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So maybe I am gay..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by rabarber, Feb 19, 2013.

  1. rabarber

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    Hello again!


    So I've been suspecting I am gay for a long time. Just like the last 6 months it has been a really big impact on my life though.

    I have started to think that I am gay but then I don't know, maybe denying, it didn't feel right, it really crushed me and felt so unreal (like is this really happening to me out of all people in the world), I've been seeking comfort in that it is HOCD, and I have been very worried about stuff in general for about 5 years, it all started when I was together with this girl that I felt I couldn't show my more sensitive part with and just kind of lost myself.

    Always when I seeked comfort in it beeing HOCD there's always been som part of me telling me that its just been an excuse to myself to be able to deny it once again.

    I haven't had any real life experience of such activities, well okay, when I was about 7 me and some friends was trying stuff out not really even understanding it was sexual.

    Apart from that, I guess I could coun't up to about 6 times I felt some kind of sexual arrousal towards men I've seen in real life.
    I have never felt beeing pulled towards them though or never had a crush on a guy, that I know of at least.

    So the main reason why I come to this conclusion is that I think I realised I was very often watching the guy in porn and always liked big dick porn. And the other is having a hard time getting an erection with girls. I guess I always kind of felt that pussies are a bit "yickie" aswell.

    So now Im kind of trying to experiment with gay porn but I don't really like seeing two guys together and can't say I really like to see a guy enyojing it, neither do I feel very attracted to a mans behind or sticking it in there, maybe this is yet to be explored since Im so new to this? Maybe this is my believes that I've been fed with my entire life that it is supposed to be discusting that is talking, I don't know.

    But then if this is the case. That leaves me woundering. What about all the girls I felt attraction and crushes on then all throughout my life? What about this girl I met 6 months ago before traveling away for 4,5 months that I really felt I had a crush on? Was missing her for all this time, longing for a little chit chat with her, if even so short on facebook or whatever? Was this just maybe hope of not beeing alone?

    Last month though I think I've stopped feeling that feeling I had up until then and just been kind of feeling hopelessness. I do still feel I would wan't to be with her but I feel that the physical part could be hard as I just kind of feel this hopelessness trying to get it off to girls nowadays. Its still kind of possible though. I find it a bit harder or something though.

    I have always had this kind of problem with getting it up with girls in the beginning and once I get to know them better I don't feel that it has been a problem except for that I needed to get to know them better and feel comfortable with them before I could do anything and that has kind of limited me to not beeing able to have one night stands, only to be able to have relationships, now it feels more hopeless though with all these thoughts in my head.

    But so what now? I kind of accepted that I am gay, well, I don't know, I am more open to just do what I want I think, do get off to what I want, without lying to myself. But like I said, what about all the girls? And all the feelings I had? All that longing for a girl my entire life?

    I just kind of feel now, Im going skiing this weekend, it kind of just feels pointless knowing that Im not gonna be able to share that with a girl, same with pretty much everything else that I do. Like this job I applied to, that I might be getting soon, I don't know if I want it if I can't have a girl, is it just because I try to impress a girl with it?
    Is this a natural phase of comming out to yourself and accepting who you are?

    And then like I said, I haven't really had any real life experiences of beeing pulled towards a guy or having a crush on one. Don't know if I would want to either. It feels like I want to spend my life with a cute girl that I can love with all my heart, something like that, just spending time together, watching each other with that romantic feeling, without saying anything. I don't feel I want that with a guy. I feel if I am gay nothing really matters any more, I guess I could just sit at home playing videogames for the rest of my life, It's fun. Don't really feel I want to share that with a man, nor do I feel like having kids any more if it is with a man, it just kind of feels pointless then.
    Is this also a natural phase of comming out?

    I know that something I would maybe do now that I came to terms with my attraction is maybe beeing more open to my sensitive side, watching more romantic movies, or reading such books(getting a crush on the girl in the movie), maybe sometimes, listen to more soft, or girl-ish music without beeing ashamed of it. Maybe trying to listen to less hardcore music. Maybe daring to dress better without beeing worried about not beeing manly enough. Also just watch the porn I like without really thinking about what it means. I think that would made me watch the same porn as before I think I realised I was watching the guy in the movie, as watching gay porn just dont feel very comfortable for me, a solo guy works better though, still I'd prefer the same as before as of where I am right now, just feels better(there's still like very few percents of me that says is this really what I do? I mean, watch the guy, baybe this is the last glimpse of hope I have left of getting to spend my life with a girl cause I feel that is what I want more then anything in the world!?)


    I don't know what to get out of this once again, some thoughts about it all, some experiences that are similar so that I can be more sure of what Im going through?
    Just nice to share it with someone..


    Im sorry if I offend anyone, it is absolutely not my intention.


    Thanks..
     
  2. n00b

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    Hi, your experiences sound similar to mine.

    I'm no expert, but I doubt that you are gay. You may be bi to an extent, as everyone will say on here, it's not a black or white thing.

    Here's my advice...try to relax. Just accept what you are regardless. And stop watching porn/masturbating. It's really easy to desensitize yourself -- then you will be able to feel what you're actually feeling better. I too have had trouble in the past getting it up with girls at first til I get to know them. So what? Some people are like that, despite what everyone else says. It's easier to relax (especially when you suffer from anxiety) when you know someone better.

    Good luck and let me know if you have any other questions.
     
  3. Rosina

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    It does sound to me that you're straight. If you're not up to reading the wall of text below, take that thought away with you now; A straight girl thinks you are very much straight too.

    Now please read my thoughts below, it'll be worth it.

    Let me tell you something about porn that you've touched on in your thread. Whilst it's all wonderfully shot so you get the best angles for the action, it's also focused on being subconsciously stimulating - sex is more mental than people often give it credit for. Have you ever not felt horny but masturbated anyway? Compare this to when you are really horny and how much easier it is to orgasm when you're in the right state of mind. The same mechanism works with porn; it's designed so that the viewer can project themselves onto one of the actors.

    I am very much generalising* when I say the following points, but these are in relation to how you're probably viewing porn; this is why in straight porn, you know if it's designed for men when the women are very "unnatural" (massive breasts, blonde, silly - caricatures or women basically) and the men are either not fantastically good looking (as most viewers aren't going to be supermodel lookalikes either!) and can thus relate to that actor... or the actors are reasonably-to-very-good-looking with a massive penis because the male viewer wishes / fantasies about looking that good. It may well be the case that you enjoy "big dick porn" because you like the idea of having such a thing? Just my two pence at that comment you made.
    *[Of course, there's been a large influx of more natural female actors with smaller breasts etc and porn that's more realistic and has a believable plot, to cater to the demand of more realistic porn; this also goes for home-made porn and material that non-actors share freely.]



    When you said you miss certain women in your life (long to chat with them etc); don't like the thought of anal sex; watching gay porn that features this, even if the male actors there are enjoying themselves; longing to share a romantic bond with a woman for the rest of your life; not seeing yourself enjoying the company of other men the same as you can with a woman.... this all screams to me that you're straight.

    I've questioned my sexuality before, pretty much everyone does in their lives. I performed this following thought experiment, putting men and women into the two questions to gauge my different responses, and I think this can also help you:
    1) Can you see yourself kissing and making-out a man passionately and really enjoying it? Tongues, fingers in hair, perhaps hands under shirts / down the front of trousers.... the whole sherbang.
    2) Can you see yourself having sex with another man and really enjoying it? This can be foreplay, on the kitchen table, one-night stands, with a long-term partner, in a bubble bath with candles etc.

    If the answer is "no" to the above when men are involved, you're straight.
    If you mentally, or perhaps even physically, flinch etc at the thought of such situations with men, you're straight.

    Compare these reactions you just had with the same questions again, this time substituting "woman" instead of "man". How are your reactions now? Are they more enjoyable, do they feel more familiar, more right?


    As for having issues with one-night-stand sex and having a "sensitive" side, these two thoughts are linked; you can dress well, take pride in your appearance, enjoy typically "girly" music, TV shows and films and still be straight. This whole social gender role of "man" is a male who: shows no weaknesses; has no "girly" emotions; never cries; doesn't wear pink or purple; goes to watch boxing; drinks three pints of beer a day; will never go within a mile of knitting; will never cook or when they do will begrudgingly not enjoy cooking at all ... because these are associated with the typical "woman" gender role.

    For a man to act like, think like, dress like or respond like a woman is apparently very wrong, perhaps even degrading. Therefore by society-at-large's logic you're not a proper man if: you do happen to like a bit of Beyonce rather than DragonForce; want an emotional connection with a sexual partner in order to enjoy sex; seeing The Notebook instead of Paranormal Activity; would rather an affectionate and tender night in with your girlfriend from time to time rather than shagging her brains out 100% of the time.

    This is wrong.

    It is completely fine if you feel "sensitively" and have a "feminine side". You need to embrace and love yourself for that. It means you are a fully developed, mature, modern man and that's nothing to feel ashamed about at all. It doesn't mean you're gay either; sure, some gay men will love a tender snuggle watching a chick-flick with their other halves, and some won't! In much the same way some will live and breath death metal whilst others will much prefer the lyrical brilliance of Beethoven and Mozart. These two preferences can be applied to gay men in as much as they can be applied to straight men. Can you see what I'm getting at?




    There is so little, if anything at all, that suggests to me that you're gay. If you want to answer your own question, just take a look at what you wrote here...

    Rosina
     
  4. RainbowMan

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    n00b - it's interesting to hear that you say porn desensitizes you (and maybe it's true for some people).

    For me personally, getting a little man-on-man porn in from time to time reminds me of what I'm missing in real life. As for the OP, being that you don't like that kind of porn, and more importantly couldn't see yourself doing it or being fulfilled by it (not all gay guys do anal, BTW), then I pretty much think you're straight. As the quote that Rosina pulled above says, you want nothing more than to live your life with a woman. I want nothing more than to live my life with a man. I know that about myself, and it is who I am.

    Of course, there is variability in sexual orientation - you don't have to be completely gay or completely straight. You might be interested in the Kinsey scale, which might be able to help you put your feelings with a "number". I personally self-identify as gay, but I'm really probably somewhere around a Kinsey 5. Perhaps you're a 1, who knows? Only you can say that.

    Good luck to ya, and we'll all be here if you wanna talk further!!!
     
  5. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    OCD. It's a tough mental nightmare to deal with. I know, I personally have it as well. People with OCD generally don't do well with grey areas. They need black & white answers. The Kinsey Scale may in fact fuel his OCD. Technically, it measured "sexual behavior history," not sexual orientation. I'm still not sure why people use it to measure actual orientation.