I'd like to know if what I describe is similar to other lesbian or bisexual females. I'm not sure if I'm bisexual or completely lesbian. *** I am female. I'm really going to lay it out here because I REALLY need help figuring this out. Sorry this is long but I would really appreciate it if anyone can read it all and reply. I could use the help/advice. + My earliest memory of what I believe may have been attraction is 2nd grade. I distinctly remember both a boy and a girl that sat at my "table." I remember admiring how pretty the girl was, and how handsome the boy was. + When I was 11 I had the first incident that made me wonder if I wasn't straight. I accidentally looked down my teachers shirt when she knelt down in front of me. I think it was more curiosity and by accident than anything else. It wouldn't have phased me except that she caught me and gave me the WEIRDEST look. I went home that day thinking "OMG, am I gay?" I fretted for a few days and then ignored it and mostly forgot about it. + At age 13 I had my first crush on a boy. It wasn't because I was sexually attracted, I hadn't even hit puberty yet. He seemed nice and other girls were beginning to get boyfriends. + Age 15, I noticed how pretty other girls were. I wanted to be as pretty as they were. I can tell you a lot of details about the appearance of girls in my class, I can't tell you anything about the boys except that there was one kid who was a wrestler and he was sort of fat. + Age 15, I developed a crush on a boy. He seemed like the ideal boyfriend. He later turned out to be a bit effeminate and I'm not completely sure he's straight either. + Age 16, I apparently had a fine tuned gaydar because I thought this one boy was gay. No one had a clue or ever mentioned suspicions. He came out as gay after we graduated. + Age 17, Got a boyfriend for all of 2 weeks. I wasn't attracted to him at all but said yes because I wanted a boyfriend. I kissed him and it was like kissing my brother (if I had one). + Age 17, I noticed 2 boys in our class that I thought were cute. One was "pretty" (think vogue catalogue) and the other was half black and half mexican..in other words..exotic and sort of pretty too. + Age 17 - now, I always notice how pretty girls are. + Age 21, made out with a guy while drunk. It was ok. Felt good, but I can't say there were huge fireworks. He had a hot british accent. I find accents so sexy. + Age 23, met the first guy I was ever seriously physically attracted to. It was magnetic. I had never experienced anything like it before. I only talked with him for a few hours. I would describe him as sort of "pretty" as well. He has thick lips, round cheek bones, model good looks. + Age 24, was interested in another guy. Not very gorgeous but he had a sexy accent too. He never called me so there you go. I would be described at quite attractive so it seems like I should have been able to get a boyfriend. My guy friends tell me (without being asked) that I'm beautiful and they don't understand why I don't and haven't had, a boyfriend. I WANTED a boyfriend, but no one asks me on dates. I could learn how to flirt with guys but it feels unnatural, forced and awkward...just not me. It gets more complicated now... When I look at magazines, I notice the girls in them..not the guys. ALWAYS. When I'm in public, I notice the girls around me, everything about them, minute details like eye color, nice lips, jewelry, what they're wearing, how their hair is done, beautiful body structure, etc. Guys...they're ok but I don't spend my time observing much about them like I do with girls. They have to be flaming hot and looking like they walked out of a magazine for me to notice them. It's very hard for me to find guys I'm attracted to, while there are so many girls I find beautiful. And here's the biggest confusion... I would think with all of this "Ok..I may be bisexual. That's not so bad." But here's the thing. Male genitalia makes me want to barf. The thought of a penis and balls coming anywhere near me literally makes me feel like puking, and a want to run away. Like can I please, just...omg. No. The thought of one of those being put inside me is literally repulsive. I feel sick even thinking about it. I tried to rationalize it since I've never been exposed to one, and think about if it were one of my close guy friends who I know poses no threat that wanted to have sex with me, could I do it then? HELL NO. Male genitalia is just so gross to me...so gross. (Sorry guys) I am unsure whether I could have sex with a girl, I've never explored it and honestly I haven't broached that side of myself enough to really know. It's so different than what society has polarized me with to believe is ok, that it's like the forbidden fruit I'm not supposed to think about even when I try to tell myself it's ok. It's hard to get used to or allow myself to think that way..almost like a learning process. I figure since I find the female body very beautiful, I don't think I would find it repulsive like I do the idea of having sex with a man. Other stuff: I had a dream one time that I was approached by a girl while at the beach. I was sitting down and she came up to me and wanted to have sex with me. I didn't know what to do or how to react. She laid on top of me and didn't move at all and I just laid there too lol. Then my dream went on to other random things. I have never had a dream about having sex with a man, being approached for it by a man, kissing a man, nothing. I have had sections of time, 1-3 years at a time where I believed I was straight and didn't worry at all that I was gay. But in between time I have wondered deep down if I'm gay. I'm relatively flat chested and I've even worried that makes me look gay. (during times in which I honestly believed I was completely straight and wasn't worried I was gay, just worried that I looked gay.) I had a bisexual girl give me the "eye glimmer" + long smile once, and I knew what it meant right away. It was impossible to miss. I didn't know what to do. I showed no reaction and kept on talking. Ok, I'm done. Any girls out there who are bisexual or lesbian, does any of this sound familiar? Has anyone been through the same? Or does anyone have any opinions? I know only I can know for sure, but I'm so confused. I have been for so long. My family probably is too, haha. I'm sure they wonder why I haven't had a boyfriend. I secretly wonder if I haven't been asked on any dates by guys because they pick up on the possible bisexuality or being gay. Like maybe they knew it even when I don't yet. I look very feminine and I like to dress up and be girly and beautiful, but who knows. Maybe there's something about me..
Hi, Welcome to Empty Closets! Guys pick up on the fact that you are not interested in them. That's why they don't ask you out. They don't generalize this to mean that you don't like men at all--each guy can tell that you aren't interested in him, personally, because of the way you respond to him. Since no one enjoys rejection, they don't ask you out. I never got asked out by guys either. Anyway, it seems like you are pretty predominantly attracted to women. And you definitely don't want to have sex with men. So I think it would be reasonable to say that you are gay. Also, the part where you say, "Well, okay, I might be bisexual, that wouldn't be so bad." That is a classic thing for a gay person to say. Bisexuals, when they are in the stage of questioning that you are in, do not feel like it would be better to be bisexual than to be gay. In fact, they usually think it would be worse. It's the way denial works. Whatever is true is the thing you are most resistant to. (This is based on what I have seen from lots of questioning people here on Empty Closets.) Obviously, with the amount of interest you express in women, there is no possibility that you are straight. Liking women seems to come naturally to you, whereas liking men seems pretty much forced. There are only a couple of times you seem to have been attracted to men, but that is even when you were trying. Why do you think it would be better to be bisexual? It's obvious you would really rather date women than men, so it isn't that.
Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets. I think it is hard for anyone to say with confidence as to what your sexual orientation is. The only person who can really do that, is you by learning what all of these feelings, attractions and thoughts mean. Being confused, and even though it can be frightening and scary is okay, because that will allow you to understand what your sexual orientation is. One way to help you in going through the maze figuring it all out, is not to label yourself. Labeling yourself at this stage might hinder you to become aware of subtle feelings that might give you some more insights and clues as well. If something feels right, try to follow it, explore it. If you realize that someone flirts with you, flirt back and see how you feel, and what happens. That said you, and from your posts, you already have some pretty strong indicators as to where your attractions are. Explore those some more.
Since you did mention a couple of times where you were genuinely attracted to a guy, you could be a Kinsey 5. Are you familiar with the Kinsey scale? Look it up. A 5 is gay, but every once in a blue moon might be attracted to someone of the opposite sex. They're gay, not really bisexual, just not locked-in-iron-6 gay. Few people are true 0 (absolutely straight) or 6 (absolutely gay)...but they might be attracted to one person of the opposite sex in their entire life.
This sounds very similar to my story. I've dated a few guys, but was only ever truly attracted to one. And it was more of an emotional thing. (A few months ago he came out as gay) like you said no one cane tell you what you are other than yourself, and I'm pretty much in the same stage you're in. I can tell you that you're definitaly not straight, but its up to you to decide how far gone you are. More than anything I just want you to know your not alone and that there are plenty of other girls out there going through the same thing! Feel free to message me if you want to talk about it! We're all here for you! Us girls have to stick together!
Thank you for all the replies! It helps to have feedback and guidance through this process. "Since you did mention a couple of times where you were genuinely attracted to a guy, you could be a Kinsey 5. Are you familiar with the Kinsey scale? Look it up. A 5 is gay, but every once in a blue moon might be attracted to someone of the opposite sex. They're gay, not really bisexual, just not locked-in-iron-6 gay. Few people are true 0 (absolutely straight) or 6 (absolutely gay)...but they might be attracted to one person of the opposite sex in their entire life." ...this sounds like a dead ringer even though I haven't looked it up yet. It's weird. I was watching tv tonight and saw this guy who I thought "he's cute." And then instantly thought "ok...definitely bisexual." Until I noticed that he had chin length hair and is a "pretty boy." It seems I can be attracted to the more pretty pretty type guys, but still, anything below the neck, I'm not so sure. I don't think I put it in my original post that the hairiness of guys,(hair on the chest, back, legs, ...elsewhere) just...please no. It's so gross to me. @Ianthe, I knew when I wrote "that wouldn't be so bad" in reference to being bisexual that people might comment on that. I didn't mean that bisexual would be any better or worse than being lesbian. I was referring to my understanding at that time of bisexuality being more easily accepted than lesbianism by society, family, friends, etc, and therefore, not as huge of a deal. I'm aware now that being bisexual holds difficulties such as not being accepted within the lgbt community, people thinking it's just a stepping stone to being gay because it's more widely accepted, and the fact that in relationships people can be irrationally afraid you're going to run off with the other gender simply because you like both, as though that holds testament to how monogamous you will be. I may be bisexual but lean towards women more often than men, I REALLY don't know yet. It would seem easier if I could just feel like I am crazy about one gender and not at all about the other and therefore know for sure. I think I'm 90% lesbian and 10% "straight." Whether that's defined as lesbian or bisexual is what is so confusing. And it's also taking time to really get used to the idea of women with women just because it's unfamiliar and I haven't been exposed to it nearly as much as I have to strictly heterosexual examples. I have been strongly pro-gay since high school, (seriously, I was even a member of GSA to support a friend at the time) I just haven't been visually exposed to female-female relationships very much. I can say I watched Elena Undone. It was "new" at first to see women together but I found it to be a very touching movie and I wasnt weirded out by the girl on girl action, it was just different than what I'm used to seeing.
You don't have to be bi or lesbian if neither label fits. I'm starting to accept that I'm somewhere between the two. I have some attraction towards men but it's mostly if I see a hot guy I'd like to kiss his face off right there and then, but I wouldn't want to see his ****. And I cam have strong emotional connections with guys but I wouldn't call them romantic, even though I enjoy cuddling and being close to hot guys. And there are no 'butterflies' with guys... but the right girl can give me some crazy butterflies
You sound like me. Except there are very few guys where I would actually want to kiss them. I feel more comfortable having guys as close friends than girls, it just seems to always work out that way. I think it may be because I dont see them "that way." My best friend is a straight guy. I've never ever felt for him "that way." Seems like if I were straight, feelings for him should have been inevitable? I saw Channing Tatum on tv tonight on Jimmy Kimmel. Very attractive. So now I'm once again confused. Can you be lesbian and still find some guys attractive? Or does being lesbian mean you never find any guys to be cute or attractive? I feel like I may not really know unless I try out relations with a girl and see if it's like..the one thing that's been missing from my life type of an epiphany. For those who know their sexuality already, do you think trying out dating your same gender etc. is necessary to really know in most cases? I understand there are a lot of people who just know they're gay and always have, but for those who are questioning, is it necessary to try it out to know? What is the best way to figure this out when you feel confused?
I'm not sure what you mean by "attractive." You can recognize that people are attractive, meaning that they look nice, without being attracted to them. Thinking someone is cute is not the same as being attracted to that person. If you never want to kiss guys, I think it's reasonable to say that you are not attracted to them. You are resisting this idea because, on some level, you don't want to be gay. There is no question of you being straight. You've already established that you are attracted to women. The question is between gay and bisexual, right?
Yes, the question is between gay and bisexual. It doesn't scare me to be gay aside from potential breaking of family relations, which I don't think is probable. It may take time once I tell them, but I think it will be ok. I'm wanting to figure out if I'm gay or bisexual so I know what I'm looking for. I don't want to zoom in only on dating women if I have the opportunity to date men as well and should instead be looking at both genders simultaneously. I don't want to miss any chances with the right person because I could be under a misconception that I can only date women...which is why I want to be sure of what I'm looking for. I hold more fear that I could be WRONG about liking women only and missing the other half of the available fish, than I am about being gay. It honestly doesn't matter to me what I am, I just want to be happy, and I know that involves being with who I'm supposed to be with; that's why I have to figure this out.
I'm pretty much where you are tbh. I find the idea of sex with a man utterly repulsive now and I have done it thousands of times with the man I am married to, not lately admittedly. I have never fancied men physically, emotionally I have liked a couple, but physically it's never been there for me. Sex is something I've never enjoyed much, it has been ok sometimes, but it's never lived up to what I want it to be and I've never felt satisfied. I slowly tried to get myself to think about having sex with a girl, it was a bit wierd and unnatural feeling to start with, I soon got to like the idea though, it's just a case of allowing your mind to breach the boundaries we have instilled in us. This is why I am pretty certain that I am gay now, I am about as certain as I can be without testing it out for real and I'm working on that one This realisation would have been utterly unthinkable for me a year ago, I would have never allowed the thought to enter my mind and this is why it is so unsettling. I am actually quite comfortable with being a lesbian now, it still takes a bit for me to say the l word out loud, but I'm getting there. I need to sort out my life, that's the hard part. I've made the decision that I will not live a lie any longer though. I want to be the whole me, not just half a person, acting out a stereotype because it's easier. I understand that this post is completely unhelpful to your situation, but you are the only person who can know what you are. Rest assured though, you are by no means alone.
