Hey everyone, I'm 25 and came out six months ago into the bright world of gay clubs, bars and coffee gatherings. I have an athletic build so I get enough attention from guys on the scene. The predominant issue for me is should I stay single for the rest of my 20s because I'm fairly sexually inexperienced and I thought that the more guys I hook up with then the more sexually experienced and 'rounded' I will become as a gay adult. However of course I also wonder whether I should aspire to find a boyfriend now in order to have some kind of romantic stability and responsibility in my life? Would it be sensible to slip into a relationship when I've only been out for 6 months or should I try and explore myself sexually for say, the next two years? Does anyone else have this newly out dilemma?!
For me personally if I were in your shoes I would go with trying to find a relationship and explore yourself sexually with that person because I don't do hook ups. I only have sex when I'm in a relationship. To me it's just more meaningful. But to each their own and I wouldn't judge you for whichever decision you made. Be out and proud and good luck with your decision!
i havent ever had that dilemma but to me it sounds like you dont know what you want just yet, so i wouldnt reccomend getting to a relationship when you dunno what you want from one. idk i could be reading your post wrong though. if you have to question whether you want a relationship you probably dont. pretty sure the idea of a relationship is getting to know the person and liking them for who they are not how good they are at sex. if you meet a nice guy and you get in a relationship your sexual history and his are irrelevant, its the now that matters. everyone kisses differently and im nearly sure its the same for sex. different people like different things, positions e.t.c. everyone starts somewhere but the right guy will understand and it shouldnt be an issue and if it is then that guy isnt worth your time.
Hi, So you are wondering if a grounding in sex is more important than a grounding in relationship building? Are they mutually exclusive? Personally, sex is easy compared to relationship building. Stuck
While I was typing my reply, a couple of other people said similar things. Here it is anyway: There are advantages to both methods, in theory. One thing to consider is that you probably need to learn about relationships with men more than you need to learn about sex. The kinds of men you'd have sex with in the "stay single" approach might not be the kinds of men you'll eventually want to have a relationship with, so you'll be learning about the sex only, out of context. With the right relationship, you can learn a lot about sex and have both. Plus, a serious, stable relationship can include some sex with other men if you and your partner agree on how that will work.
When I was in college, I studied literature. Early on, we had lots of survey courses, where you read lots of books for one class. I very quickly felt that we were just doing the same thing over and over with different books, and I wasn't learning anything more about how to understand and analyze them. Later on, I took some literary theory courses, and in those we often only looked at one book, but we went much further and analyzed it in depth. We would use several different approaches to the same text. These classes were much more satisfying, and I certainly learned a lot more from them that I can now apply to anything I read. If you just do hook-ups, you will have only first sexual encounters. You will be doing roughly the same thing over and over with different people. If you have a relationship, you will learn more and more how to please a particular person. You will learn how to learn how to please a particular person. You will move beyond the first sexual encounter to other things. Therefore, you will gain significantly more in experience by having more developed relationships, rather than by having hook-ups.
Well said, calls to mind good vs. bad teachers: those with 20 years of deep experience and 20 times one year of experience. I did hookups for years, yet I am as inexperienced as ever when it comes to being someone's boyfriend, it is deeply unsatisfying and I no longer want to continue that way.
I have two thoughts: First, many gay people (men in particular) when they first come out feel the need to "make up" for the experiences they didn't have in junior high and high school, and so many gay men go through a "slut phase." This isn't necessarily bad, but Ianthe really hits the nail on the head: those experiences are one-time hookups, and the majority of the experience with sex isn't the mechanics of it, but the intimacy and emotion behind it, and you aren't going to get that with hookups. Relationships aren't easy. They require work, compromise, developing listening skills, and learning to work together. And developing real sexual chemistry involves many of the same skills. Also, realistically, it's not likely that your first relationship will be the one you stay in for years, only because you will still be learning those skills... and because, unfortunately, LGBT people, because of our years in the closet, and the internalized homophobia we all have from our exposure to religion, media, and our parents' judgment, get an "extra serving" of emotional baggage in addition to what everyone else gets. So that also means that it can be hard to work through the baggage that you and a potential partner have until you've had some experience doing so. So... if you want to go out ahd have hookups... that's certainly an option. But I'd agree with Ianthe that if you want to develop and grow as a person, and be able to develop a relationship, you'll do better to start looking toward relationships rather than hookups. And... no matter what anyone tells you, please play safe EVERY time you have sex. Even with a "relationship". STIs such as HIV and hepatitis are rampant, and I know a lot of people your age who make the "just this time" mistake and end up in a world of hurt.
As a Literature major myself, I'd like to say good analogy! I agree with this and personally, I value a deep, meaningful relationship with one person over trying to get a little bit of everything out there. I don't think it's wise to sleep around just to "gain experience points."
Do things you like to do. Hook up if you want to. Make and keep friends new friends and old ones. If you meet a guy you want to be with, then you start thinking about a relationship. I don't understand starting out by searching for a relationship. That makes it sound like being single is the worst thing that could happen to a person and that's just not true.
I think you should go out and have some fun. However, don't leave either option off the table. I'm as experienced as a life-long nun, but I do think it's important to let life happen. I've spent so many years looking, and I've found squat. Almost everyone says "just sit back, relax... it will happen." As much as I disagreed with this, I think part of it is true. Why can't you go out to a club and possibly hookup, if the time is right? Maybe I'm just crazy, but I think that way, you could slowly build up confidence... and then, if you see some guy out in the world, you'll be ready.
