Hi all, I am having a bit of a meltdown today because after some events occured over the weekend I have come to the realization that I like my straight life but I'm not straight. I was married but am no longer which has nothing to do with my orientation. We had a child who lives with me full time which is great. When I was married I definitely fantasized about men but never acted on it. To me cheating on a spouse was wrong regardless of the reason (my former spouse didn't feel the same way but that is a whole other Oprah!). Anyway, after the divorce I found myself busy taking care of my child and that was enough to keep me busy and satisfied with my life. I truly loved being married and love having my child and the so called "normal" life. I have experimented with men some but nothing more that a few separate occasions that went nowhere. Now I am at a point in my life where my child will be leaving home soon and I am trying to figure out what my life looks like after they are gone. So even though I am so far back in the dark corner of the closet I decided to test the water and go to a couple of LGBT events to where if for any reason I knew someone I could play it off as I was there for another reason etc. I found that I had trouble connecting with anyone and really started feeling like I didn't belong anywhere. THEN....this weekend something totally unexpected happened to me where I ended up in a sexual situation with someone I know at a party. OMG the wheels in my head are turning now....I have intermixed my "regular" life with my "secret" life and what am I going to do. Nothing serious is going to happen with this person because they are actually married to someone of the opposite sex (Yes this is the point where you point the hypocrite finger at me because cheating is cheating!) But even though I know nothing will come of what happened this weekend, Having that intense sexual moment with someone you have an emotional connection with was so much stronger than anything I had ever experienced with basically strangers because I was so afraid to be who I am (this other person actually started by coming on to me because I would never risk such a thing....alcohol helps too ) So since this weekend the wheels in my head haven't stopped turning. That experience was so mind blowing how could I ever deny that I am gay. But at the same time I like my straight life. I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life explaining and justifying my life to others.....I definitely don't want to hurt my child or the people in my life that I love...But I know I could never go back to a straight relationship...which leads me to believe I am going to be alone forever :icon_sad: Sorry to have gone on and on but I really needed to get this out and any advise or similar situations would be much appreciated.
Here's the question: what's all that different about a "gay" life vs. a "straight" life? I'm sure many people here will attest to the idea that there isn't much different. But I think it'd be more beneficial if you made a comparison (a list, perhaps) and then collectively we can help squash your fears.
I just wanted to stop by and say I totally understand. It is difficult trying to spend so much time explaining your life to people. I think the best thing to do though is to get rid of some of those people that aren't encouraging you. Do you have any supporting friends that you are out to?
Believe me it gets miserable in the closet pretending that everything's just fine. I went down that road for many years. What happened to make me come out was the fear of being discovered became worse than the fear of coming out. If you're going to continue having these encounters then you will have the fear of being outed. If you come out as gay or bi' you wouldn't have to justify anything. You would only have to explain the things you want to explain. It sounds like you just want the whole issue to go away. The only way that will happen is if you are celibate with men.
Hmm, you like your straight life better... but you haven't even experienced your gay life yet. Just wanted to point that out. What I'm saying is, you're comparing a comfortable "normal" life with the immediate uncomfortable feelings of coming out - which is not, sir, a gay life! In fact, my life isn't dramatically different, except for the fact that I'm more comfortable since I came out. I stopped hiding. In addition, lgbt events, like Pride, are for people who have come out and are proud to show who they are. Of course you felt out of place, because you aren't out. That being said, you are taking great strides towards figuring out who you are. Is there anyone close you can talk to? You will realize how freeing it is to actually have someone you can confide in, I know that it ate me up bottling it up inside. Good luck!
