well, I don't know where to begin. I hate myself so much right now. And the crazy thing is that I hate myself for things that I can't control anymore. I know it's wrong but in the end these things keep me from being happy and I feel like the ultimate failure. So I've been trying to get financial aid at my college so I can work in the library and I filled out the application online twice but the lady at the financial aid department hasn't received it and I keep calling practically every day to check. The last time we spoke she told me there were a few things missing which I know I entered in the two times I completed it so I figure it's just the world screwing me over yet again. But I agreed to meet with her on Thursday so she can help me fill it out again. This is one chance because I failed at getting a part-time job all summer before my lung collapsed and I had to go to the hospital. I can't go back in time so that I'd have more job experience but I really wish I could (long story). The other reason why I'm so miserable today is harder for me to explain. Basically I'm really sensitive about my size and whenever people comment on how short I am and mistake me for a child, it triggers negative feelings inside me. This has happened ever since I started kindergarten. But it's worse now because when I was 5 there was still a possibility I would grow to a normal size but now I'm 23, 5 ft nothing with no boobs and no sex appeal. I mean, I know I can't control it so the least people could do is not comment but my therapist thinks they think it's safer than if I was in a wheelchair. But still, I'm tired of spending $200 on heels online and working on my makeup and hair and buying pretty clothes and then just getting shot down because I'm still not tall enough and not sexy enough for anyone. But when I'm alone in my room and I look at my body, I'm actually okay with it, with my small chest and everything but my happiness depends on other people so I don't see the point in standing of a mirror and saying I like my body when at the end of the day, I come home alone and still have no one to talk to because I'm the only one who thinks being small is okay. Recently the worst thing that hurt me was that I was telling this girl about something really serious that happened to me when I was a kid (I might explain later) and all she said was "well I have to go study now" like nothing I said mattered at all. so yeah, I feel absolutely humiliated because I do seem to ever be good enough. And I just want a job in a library and a friend in this town, (yes, I want to be loved too). I don't want to be famous or rich. I just want these simple things that seem to come so naturally to other people. That's all.
First and foremost, allow me to declare the human race as pathetic. I'd like to apologize to you on behalf of the unfortunate specimens of our species that don't have the heart to be kind. I don't know you, but from what you've written here, I can't think of anything wrong with you. Five feet isn't that short, especially for women. Don't let them put you down for it. Don't let others change what you think of yourself. And about the financial aid forms and such... you can't expect everyone else to be as responsible as you are. Believe me, it's the story of my life. Regardless of what others think or say, you only have to be good enough for yourself. Whenever people try to put me down, directly or indirectly, I use that as motivation to rise above their snide remarks and prove them wrong in the most spectacular way possible. I hate people, but they're not all hopeless.
