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Tobacco Using Boyfriend:(

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Rainbow Music, Feb 19, 2013.

  1. Rainbow Music

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    I've been asking my boyfriend for weeks if he would quit using ALL tobacco products for me, and he said that he would stop when is ready. Well yesterday he told me that he is ready to quit, because I even told him that I would got smoker's cessation with him and I don't even smoke. Well today him and I were supposed to go to smoker's cessation today and instead of going he went to the store and spent like $80 on tobacco products, buying like 10 cans of chew and like 3 or 4 cartons of cigarettes. It pissed me off so much, that 1.) he lied to me and 2.) went behind my back and rebeled against me. I want to break up with him but I don't know if I should or not. What should I do?
     
    #1 Rainbow Music, Feb 19, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2013
  2. MatthewJS

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    How old is he?
     
  3. afraid you cant make him he has to want to do it for himself. what bothers you so much about it? i assume he smoked before you got into a relationship, so you knew what you were getting into. sorry if my assumptions are wrong.

    there isnt really anything you can do tbh.
     
  4. Rainbow Music

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    He is 21. Yes I know that I'm only 17, but I thought that I loved him and I thought that age doesn't matter. sometimes I want to cuddle him and other times, I just want to dump him. IDK.

    ---------- Post added 19th Feb 2013 at 08:06 PM ----------

    Yes, I know that I can't make him, but I thought that maybe I could suggest to him to quit because not only would it be better for him, it be better for us and our relationship.
     
  5. DeanIsHome

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    Smoking and chewing Tobacco is something that cannot be changed so easily, my dad used to smoke until i was 5 because i got an asthma attack, it took something like that for my dad to stop so stopping you're bf from smoking is a really hard thing depending on how long he's been doing it, If you're trying to convince him my mom used to ration my dad's cigarettes and when they tried to get my grandpa to stop smoking they made a deal with him to only chew Tobacco instead of smoking it since it effected all of us, if i were you i'd try and get him to low down on the amount he smokes or try not smoking and only chewing the tobacco, honestly smoking isn't that relaxing I've tried it twice and it did NOTHING for me but yeah...
     
  6. frozenandbroken

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    You're actually better off ignoring it from now on. You've already told him how you feel about his tobacco use, he knows, and he'll have to decide when to quit, and if it's important enough to quit for you. Any nagging from here on out is just going to be aggravating for all involved.

    If it's really, really that important to you, perhaps you can do something together. An ultimatum. Sort of like having a weight loss buddy. You quit something for a month, and he quits smoking for a month. Don't get upset with each other if you crave, but keep trying. The more often he tries to quit, the better his outcome is for quitting longterm.
     
  7. 4AllEternity

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    I understand being worried about him and/or having issues getting over your own opinions of smoking/drugs, but you must realize that it's ultimately his decision. What is fair is to ask him not to smoke around you, but it's not fair to be so demanding about it. If he really doesn't want to quit, and you can't get over that, than you should both split up amicably.
     
  8. mojoe

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    I'm sorry if this comes off as rude but wanting to break up with him because he smokes is quite immature. You would be completely in the right to ask him to not smoke around you if it bothers you. I will admit that I may be somewhat biased as I'm a smoker myself, but I have no problem not smoking in the presence of someone who doesn't smoke. If he refuses to not smoke next to/in the same room as you, then you might have a reason to be upset. But, you have no reason to be upset simply because he uses tobacco products. As another person already stated, he probably smoked before you were together and you knew full well what you were getting into. If you really can't get over the fact that he smokes, then maybe you should break up until you are more mature. Not for your sake but for his. Again I apologize if I come off as rude, but quitting smoking is not an easy thing to do. If you want to help you need to be supportive, and getting upset because of his tobacco use is quite the opposite of supportive. It will cause more harm than good. Just my two cents...
     
  9. CTJ

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    It makes me laugh when non-smokers turn round and just expect smokers to quit. Its an ADDICTION, meaning we are addicted. Yes, its not pretty, yes its expensive, yes its harmful. But what you have to understand is that it is incredibly difficult to just quit, especially if you're a heavy smoker like your boyfriend appears to be.

    You should let up with the pissy attitude and be supportive. Instead of thinking about breaking up with him, why dont you instead explain that the smoking makes you uncomfortable, tell him that you would prefer that he would quit for his own sake but that you understand its hard and you'll be there for him when he is ready.

    That way you're letting him know how you feel and being supportive.
     
  10. skiff

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    Immature? Quitting smoking is the mature, smart, adult thing to do.

    Having smoked once upon a time I know how hard it is to quit and I can be a zealot about quitting now.

    There is no rationalization or excuse that makes smoking good.

    I wish somebody had loved me enough at the time to beg me to quit.

    Keep it up, double your efforts, be a pain in the butt.

    Keep up your good efforts. If he chooses smoking over you, you will know where you really stood with him.

    Smokers, give this guy a break, you know he is trying to do the right thing for the person he loves.

    Smoking is like unprotected sex.

    Bravo for caring so much. He may be 21 but you are the mature one in the relationship.
     
    #10 skiff, Feb 20, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2013
  11. MichaelB

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    I presume you engaged in a relationship in the knowledge that he smokes?

    Well then, you knew his habit and you made the conscious decision to engage with him nonetheless. I don't understand why people enter relationships with people, when they know the other person is doing something they won't be able to tolerate.

    If he smoked and you knew you wouldn't be able to tolerate it, that's your problem and not his. If he started smoking during your relationship, then that's different, but even then he's an adult. He can and should be able to make choices based around what he wants, without judgement. As much as you hate smoking, the only thing that really affects you is the smell (really, they over hyped this second hand smoke bull shit to the extreme. You're more likely to develop cancer over car fumes)

    Plus, not gunna lie, if I had a boy/girlfriend that insisted I change for no other reason than to please them, I'd dump them. So another factor you should consider, instead of asking us if you should dump him, be warned that he may also be thinking the exact same thing; should he dump you.
     
  12. skiff

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    I bet there are people out there who insist on unprotected sex too because STD's are over hyped and their previous lover did not require it.

    That argument makes the same level of sense.

    There will be a lot of noise on this subject from smokers, count on it. Noise does not make a position correct or good.

    Know in your heart you are doing the right thing for somebody you love.

    But the smokers will tell you; get his health proxy, his durable power of atourney, and his will in place. Just practical requests.
     
    #12 skiff, Feb 20, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2013
  13. Rapter

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    Quitting smoking is harder to quit than heroin. I had to get REALLY sick ( to the point I was unable to smoke) before I quit... Its like quitting ever eating pizza again or candy but theres also a chemical addiction to fight as well. Addiction makes people do stupid things(like lie to their partner) Instead of doing something drastic, help him through it, tell him how you feel about it and dont get mad when he has a slip.
     
  14. 4AllEternity

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    You are correct, that smoking is a bad habit and is unhealthy. That does not however mean that others have the right to bully one into making a personal decision like quitting. It's fair for people to ask a smoker not to smoke around them, but what the smoker does with their own health is their own business. Urging a partner to quit is one thing, but bullying them into quitting is another.

    Also, quitting cold turkey is really, really overrated. It makes quitting almost impossible for the addicted, needlessly. A much better, and sustainable method is to slowly wean oneself off, starting by scheduling smokes each day. If you're smoking around a pack a day, start spreading each cigarette throughout the day (rather than two in a row, if you do that). Smoke one less cigarette a day, for two weeks. Then cut back to two less for another two weeks. Then 3 less for two weeks, etc, etc. You might even have to go slower, but it's the best way to do it. It's not only easier, but it has a much higher success rate. The mechanics of that is that you're cutting back a little bit of nicotine, then allowing the brain to adjust to the slightly lower level. Then you cut back a little more, the brain continues to adjust. It makes the withdrawal much less difficult (almost imperceptible aside from getting over the habit itself). Suddenly stopping will make life a living hell for at least 3 days, and you will be miserable for at least a month as your brain slowly returns to homeostasis.
     
  15. BudderMC

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    I disagree - quitting is more difficult for some people than others. My mom up and quit cold-turkey one day (admittedly after years of thinking about it), but did it with little problems. Had a couple of nic-fits, but besides that she was fine.

    Anyways, smoking is still addiction. Like all addiction, it isn't as easy as saying "this is the logical route" and going with it.

    I think where you're at is a standstill. You've told him you want him to quit. He says he wants to, but can't just yet. There's not much more you can do without risk of harming your relationship to get him to quit. So weigh for yourself - is it worth sticking with him even though he'll keep using tobacco?

    This is also a bit of an example of that "power difference" people talk about in relationships with large (relatively) age gaps. You seem relatively mature for your age. But he's 21. He's entering a new stage of his life - being an adult, moving out into the free world, making his own decisions. One of those is that he's governing his life still, as indicated by his "I'll quit when I'm ready".

    Bottom line - if a relationship is causing you more stress and anguish than the returning happiness and enjoyment, it probably isn't worth sticking around for unless there's some deep-seated history with the person... and even that's questionable at best.

    Just some food for thought.
     
  16. im not being rude but you sound like youre trying to change him. i dont smoke and ive had gfs who have been smokers, i knew what i was getting into when i got into that relationship. kinda like if a girl i dated was overweight yes its not good for their health but i cant make that person change i just accept it (bad analogy i know haha).
    you cant make him quit as others have said, support him if he tries dont nag him. if you want to dump him because he smokes then do. i know you like him and everything but you cant make his problem your problem aswell. dont stress over it.