After I graduate this May, I want to buy a one-way plane ticket and go far away. I don't care that I can easily find a job with my degree. I don't know if that's what I want. I am really tempted to go spend the rest of my life in the mountains, becoming a Buddhist monk. I don't want to do it if its only purpose is to not deal with my life. I have never known who I am. I don't hold dear to my ego, personality, thoughts, and beliefs. They're always changing. I want to know who I am, and I want to know what that means. I don't want to have to have my family learn to tolerate me (acceptance, whatever). I don't want any of this. I really want to leave this summer after closing this chapter of my life. I don't know if I even want the connections I have with people anymore. I have ideas of myself, my values, my orientation, but it's all so fluid, that I would rather connect to the person I refer to as "I". Selfish? Whatever. I want to let go, and find the awareness that is moving inside of my being. I'm having these thoughts, and I'm really considering them. I don't think I have a place in society, or my family, and I'm tired of trying to fit in.
Who say's we have to fit in? sure everyone wants to feel like they belong, like they have a place in this world, I feel like i belong because otherwise i wouldn't exist, I still don't 100% know how i want to go about, like waiting for acceptance and stay with my family or leave and go far away? When i am old enough I want to go to Vietnam and go to the monastery in Daclac and live there to meditate for some time, you can be a monk and decide to leave, many people do that to find themselves, in my culture public display of emotions is taboo so a way of dealing with our emotions is through "Walking meditation" it helps us try and seriously think about things deeply, I did that when i wanted to commit suicide and when i wanted to run away it helped me see thing's get better rather than just hearing others say it. OH and i forgot to mention, my friend helped me by making me write out the pro's and con's when i was deciding to run or not.
I think that you should continue to consider it and think it thoroughly through and think of all the consequences. You should do what you think is right.
