Yes, me again, and if you vaguely know me, then you know this will be long. Like most of my threads no one will probably comment with anything more than an "I'm in the same boat as well" and if you are, it would help to know I’m not the only one. I'm going to be mostly talking to myself and answering my own questions, I just, need to get this out in a way that it won’t easily come back to me. TLR- I'm very, very, depressed, at first I didn't see the entirety of it, but now I know I need some serious help if this is ever going to be dealt with. There is a risk for minor self-harm, but I'm at the point that I am so depressed that I can’t kill myself, I don’t have the energy. The self-harm is essentially causing bruises, cuts, I’m hitting myself with a rubber band every now and then to the point the marks don’t go away for more than a month. I would cut but I don’t want the attention that brings or having to deal with open cuts. On top of what has been happening my phone recently died, and due that essentially it caused my parents to call me the worst child ever and them to cancel the credit card I use to buy school stuff and gas. Alright, now to the point. I'm going to try to make this as fast as I can 1. I get the constant feeling that everyone in my class major hates me 2. I have 0 friends 3. The few people I could talk to I pushed away except for one, pushed away to an acceptable distance in that I won’t get too hurt when they leave come end of year. I have tried making friends in architecture and that has not panned out, since they are the only people who will literally be in my life for the next 4-6 years with near certainty. the one person I have yet to push away from I won’t because she’s in my major, but what I did to everyone else Is basically flip a bitch switch and be aggressive, cold, cynical, and make fun of them. Perfect recipe for getting someone to dislike you. I laid off it after my neighbor/friend shoved back pretty aggressively when I tried to playfully push him out the room, we’re slowly talking again, but I have to be careful not to get any closer than that, I’ll probably just ditch him every now and then and stop asking if he wants to go eat. Also, people in my hall who I have tolerated I no longer do, I ignore basically everyone. I guess partly because that is what the rest of the world has done to me for the past 8 years, and because it’s pretty effective 4. since housing for next semester needs to be decided now, and I have no friends, so I have to go random again and I probably won’t get what is best for me, and I’ll have to come out to another random person I do not know, knowing where I am, it is likely I will have a roommate reassign to deal with. 5. My general ambiguity to female breasts is causing me to question my sexuality again, if they are too big or if the nipple size is too large (usually the nipple size) I get unplugged. I am also not immediately turned on by girls, but when I masturbate I think about having sex with one and I really like vaginas but I’m slightly off put by the unknown of I don’t know what they smell/ taste like, but I still want to have sex and go down on one.Whereass with a penis I already know cuz duh I have one, and that one night stand made me realize that dick tastes like nothing. So I don’t know if I’m still pansexual or not. If this isn’t it then I’m probably gay and I would prefer not to be. With guys I’m mainly attracted to the face and I get hard easier but only if its video/gifs of guys having sex, I am mostly unphased by anything else. I filed it off as "I’m breaking the rules, the newness of exploring this side without extreme trauma" but now I’m not sure. I easily get turned on if something gets kinky, doesn’t really matter what gender. 6. Like I said earlier, my phone broke and has been broken for a long while, I have told my parents this a lot of times. We contact through email now, and I’m not so sharp with checking it on my computer, so sometimes I can go days without checking. One day I realized my comm silence and decided to email an apology and ask how everything was. I came onto my email to find my dad sent an email that made me so mad and angry and sad at the same time. He said that if I was ignoring their calls then I’m the most horrible son to have ever existed and that he was canceling my credit card and taking the money he put into my debit card out and that he would come and take the car away. This really upset me because first off we never had a relationship to begin with and he insinuates that they miss me? What? No. you were barley there during my early childhood and only around consistently on the weekends after junior year, I saw my teachers more than I saw you. You and mom are not as open minded as you think you are and it pains me to think that I’m going to risk everything coming out to you. I’m beginning to think I can’t hold it in anymore, I think I’m going to snap and turn into a monster if I don’t soon, but if they cut me off then I may as well be dead, if they do there are no ifs ands or buts, there is no one nearby that I can talk to that I trust enough to save me, I will kill myself if they don’t accept me. My sexuality has acted like a big jenga wall between me and my parents, and if I dislodge that one piece, everything will be so much better, so much better. 7. It's gotten to the point that I can’t cry unless something is really funny, twice now I have felt like utter shit and I could barely get my eyes to water, so I just sat in misery as my thoughts continued to build up inside me 8. I can’t seem to tell any of this to even my best friend, I refuse to seek a counselor on the fact that I know they will send me to a hospital, I hate lying and the only thing they seemed to push was if I was cutting or if I wanted to kill myself 9. I feel like an alien, I feel like Logan lerman in his role in the perks of being a wallflower, except my guilt is not with the death of a relative, it’s a bunch of other deaths and things that are my fault and mine alone that I must live with. 10. I’m so depressed now that I’ve started eating fast food at least 3 times a week now and I have lost the will to keep going in school, I quit on a project, not something I take lightly, especially in school. All I know is, if I get past this, and I ever have kids, I’m going to be an awesome dad, I really hope I get the chance. That’s all I can think of for now, to be honest I'm going to be a little disappointed if no one comments, but as far as I know I'm still on Earth.
I find your post sad. If you find vaginas so thrilling you should try it. As far dick not having any taste, each guy has his own taste and smell. Your parents are bound to come around sooner or later. Have you tried to make friends? I am sure there must be some one at your school you can be friends with. I hope you re-think the killing yourself thing and call someone first. June
I'm only going to kill myself if my parents cut me off financially, it sounds horrible but without their money I will have to quit school and they will probably take the car, so no money, no car, no phone, no friends, i might as well. I don't want to dwell on that though, I have already started a letter i will send via email to my dad, and im going to spill my guts out, i have one chance and one chance only to get this right and i have to hope that it goes the way i need it to go. I've cotacted three people i know, 3 friends, two besties and a third that offered an ear in case i needed to talk, and shit, i need to talk.
I'm still progressing on the letter, its getting pretty long, i dont know who is going to proof read this. my only concern with sending this right now, when its finished, is that I dont know my sexuality to the point. I really want to say pansexual/ bisexual/ half gay but im so weird. literally i sat down to breakfast with a person who used to be in my major, and her friend was there and i thought she was pretty cute and she seemed genuine, then i get back to my room to play a demo of a gay dating sim (which funnily enough pushed me to think about coming out to my parents) and the main character and his friend are really good looking. It's like i switch so easily and its really aggravating, id say pansexual but i just dont know, is it okay to not like one thing about a gender and love another part? it goes with guys too, i dont particularly care for the dick all that much as long as its not ridiculusly small or ridiculously huge. but if a guys got a toned body then im all for, same for girls (toned, not skinny) i dont particularly care for butts either. am i just not materialistic as most people? is it possible to be a panromantic demisexual? like, I dont really care about most physical aspects, and i dont really care what they are, all i care about is their face and who they are. ill have to call myself bi in my letter though, to avoid confusion. i dont know, i think it fits, itll probably still nag me for awhile but i like that (is it normal to still have some doubt?)
