Hello, first let me apologize for the long post and thank you for reading it and giving me your advice and support. I've read other threads on here, hoping for an answer. While some were close, and the advice given to those posters were helpful, they weren't my own unique, personal story. This will give me answers specifically for me, and telling someone, anyone, I believe will relieve some stress from this situation. Some background: I was raised in a very religious home. It has been drilled into my head for twenty-odd years that homosexuality is a sin and will send me straight to hell. Now while I can't believe in god for personal reasons, that still makes it hard to accept that I might be gay. Before I go any further, I have to clarify something: I pretty much know that I am gay, It's just hard to admit because I have been hiding it for so long, and saying that I am will make it true, and I can't accept that yet without affirmation. So please don't say anything like "you're gay man, just accept it", that's not what I'm seeking. I need polite, respectful replies that what I know is true is actually true, and ways to help me accept it. Reason's that make me think I might be gay: I watch gay porn, every time I masturbate. In 9th grade we got a new kid, and I thought he was cute and got hard. In college me and a few friends went to the swimming pool, and when we were done we went to the showers in the locker room to wash the chlorine off us. Two of them got naked to shower (crazy, right?) and I had to keep telling myself "don't look, you'll get a boner". Because I already knew that I would and that that would give away my secret. Sometimes I'll make a motion or gesture that just feels very feminine (gay) and I have to catch myself and stumble or something so people will focus on me falling and forget about the gesture I just did. Same thing with speaking, I'll rarely say something and think "holy shit that sounded so gay, I hope no one noticed." I've actually had about eight or ten people ask me if I'm gay, so who knows how many times someone has asked my friends that. And lastly, I'm emotional. Not like cry at the drop of a pin, but like how I see two different kinds of sex. There's lustful sex where people have sex just to get off, and while that's nice, that's not what I'm after. I'm after emotional sex, "making love", I like to say that sex doesn't mean anything if there's no emotion in it. Here's where it gets really crazy. I have had sex with both guys and girls, and I've only had relationships with girls. While I've only made love to one woman, it was close to lustful sex with men. Even though I have had sex with a couple of other guys, my up bringing and inability to accept this has caused me to never think about a relationship with a guy. But it's something that's now constantly on my mind. What would it be like to make love with another man? To have that emotion that I'm starving for while being as close to someone as humanly possible. I mean, aren't the best relationships ones where the couple is also great friends? And who else could be a great friend but someone who understands you, the way your mind works and what not? A guy could understand a guy's mind easier than he could understand a girl's mind. In pictures that I've seen of a guy and girl cuddling or whatever, there seems to be a connection, but only because of need: she needs him and he needs her. But in some pictures of two guys cuddling, the connection is deeper: it's an understanding, acceptance and closeness that I crave. Like I said, I already pretty much know that I'm gay, I just don't know how to accept it.
Hey... It sounds like your finding yourself in between a rock and a hard place... Not fun. Having come to the realisation that you are gay is a huge step, at least that gets rid of the doubt... I guess knowing whether you check guys out more than girls and whether you feel emotionally more attracted to guys than girls should affirm your conclusion. Accepting it, now that's an entirely different beast... You need to first look at your own thoughts, what you think about homosexuals. We often have internalized homophobia because that's what we've been taught by society. You mentioned that you don't believe in God yet you do care about whether its right or wrong in His eyes... Do you maybe not like or believe in God because you feel that you are being judged? I think it all comes down to the difference between faith and religion. It's completely opposites, Religion being man made and all about man made rules that if you don't conform to it, you are judged by other members of that religion, all in the name of God. Whereas faith is more about cutting trough the rubbish and believing that our Sins are forgiven etc, which really is the message of the Gospels if you take religion out of it. If you search trough this forum you will find lots of discussions and references to useful links that go into more detail. You need to come to peace with that, and then you can tackle what you think others will think, frankly we tend to think the worse and yet most people have too many of their own issues to deal with that they really don't care what you are. Spend some time reading trough this forum, the information will benefit you and help you to look at it from different perspectives. Finally, if you have the means, try to go and talk to a professional therapist that will be able to help you trough all of this and teach you to accept yourself. We are our own biggest enemies and once we learn how to deal with ourselves we learn to live!
