Hey all, Over the past few months, I have become known for posting inspiring/heartwarming coming out stories and questions as I have explored what it means to be a Bisexual male. Everything has gone exceedingly well up to this point, but I should not have dared to think that it was actually going to be so easy. Especially after reading so many stories of hurt, rejection, and pain on this forum; why on earth should I have thought that mine would be any different? As some of you already know, I came out quite forcefully to my parents and everything has gone well since then, except for the worrisome detail that my extremely religious mother has been silent on the subject. That changed today. My mom and I have never really gotten along, I do love her, but she has been the only human being on the planet who has consistently made me feel bad about and doubt myself and my intentions. She told me she was willing to talk about it today; and I should have known better than to take the bait. Throughout the conversation that followed, which I won't detail in its entirety, it became more and more clear that she was dead set in her ways. She started in with the dangers of disease in the gay community, and I do acknowledge that the risk is heightened, especially if I am to engage in anal sex. She knew that detailing that homosexuality is a sin according to that dusty, horrifyingly archaic, text the bible, would hold no power over me so a different approach was necessary. She told me that she could not fathom why, since I had the choice, I didn't simply date women and live a normal and fulfilling life. She refused my argument that my life could be fulfilling with a man as well. She told me that, from a personal and not religious standpoint, she thinks that bisexual "fucking around to try to figure out who you are" is inherently wrong and disturbing. When I described that I was more attracted to guys than girls (Kinsey 4-5), and didn't want to ignore half of myself simply to adhere to her concept of "normal", she just didn't even try to understand it. She told me what a difficult child I had been to raise, what damage I had caused her and our family (damage expressed only by her and no one else), she made it sound like it was only by her good graces I was allowed to do anything at all... I am very sensitive to the idea that I could be a burden, that I caused hurt to my loved ones in the past; I have always hated disappointing my parents, something I have been terrified of since day one. Then she put the final nail in the coffin. She told me that, not religiously but viscerally, she found male homosexuality to be the epitome of disgusting. She said that, sure she would play nice if I ever introduced her to a partner, but that she would always have to suppress a shudder after shaking our hands. She said that as long as I was sexually active with males, then she would refuse to eat or stay in my home; wherever it may be. As if everything will be completely covered in shit at all times. She said it was biology, an evolved disgust, that made her feel that way. Nothing I could say could persuade her otherwise. I asked her if she even wanted a continued relationship with me, and she said yes, but that my choice in how I expressed my sexuality dictated how close we would be at all. I told her that I couldn't change, I didn't want to, and that I finally felt free to be who I actually was. That I am happy this way. She said "yeah, you seem real happy", in a tone that just dripped contempt and sarcasm. There were a couple of things said after that that I don't remember, but they were irrelevant. What I took away from this was that, if I chose to live true to myself, I would lose my mom. But at this point, I am thinking that maybe I want to. I can't do this with her anymore, I can't keep letting her mess with my self-esteem like this. It's no coincidence that I finally figured my shit out while I was living 6000 miles away from her! Does anyone have anything to add? Any advice you can give me? Is this a stage of grief, and if so, which one is it?! I hate that she would dare say all this to me, but it has been said; no taking it back. Thanks for listening, sorry it's long, The Seeker
I agree, you can't let her dig into your self-esteem. She does seem set in her ways... but, she's never seen you in love and she hasn't met someone you care about yet. Her prejudice might change when she truly sees you happy. If not, it's her that needs to adjust to who you are. So, don't look down. Don't back away and just continue to be you. We shouldn't have to apologize or feel ashamed for who we are.
Wow man, I'm sorry. That sounds like it was really hard... Even though you two may never have been close it always hurts when such a close family member doesn't even treat us like a human being. Even if we bury it deep down we all want that connection. How often do you talk to her? It sounds like if you want to have a male partner you may have to cut her out of your life. She has just been using religion as a way to hide her disgust of homosexuality. I'd say that this is suffering the loss of family ties, and that would be the depression stage of grieving (which is self explanatory and I'm sure you're feeling it). You may feel every emotion when grieving as this is a major loss. She has given you the choice of her vs. you being happy. Message me if you need to vent more. ~<3
Yes, she does seem rather dead-set against people with "unusual" sexualities. Fortunately, my parents were sort of like "meh" but since I live in a suburb in the Midwest, I doubt that my conservative community will be too accepting. Do you have any supportive friends (other than us) that you could talk to? I know my friends would beat whoever made fun of me to a pulp (and they're all girls.) Whenever my family makes me angry, I just text my friends and they always make me feel better, so maybe try that.
How long have you been out to your mother? It may just be that because of her beliefs it'll take her a long time to come to terms with everything. Having a bit of distance from her for a while might make her a little more appreciative of you and will give you time to gain a bit more confidence in your interactions with her. It might even help if you come back to her with a partner you're happy with so she can see how happy you are. (Once she's had more time to adjust.) Though you probably don't want to get into a theological argument with her you could maybe look up some of the arguments made by gay Christians on why homosexuality is acceptable. It probably won't help but its maybe an argument she can understand better than an ethical or personal one as she doesn't seem to care much about your feelings. Finding arguments against her other points, such as the danger of disease might also help. Sorry if this doesn't help much, just thought I'd throw a few ideas out there. I know my dad would have the same issues if I ever came out to him, though not for religious reasons (he's an atheist) which makes him a little harder to debate with.
This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. I'm sorry to hear (in this case read) what your mother said to you. I see that she was pushing the bisexuals should be with members of the opposite sex. I've noticed that a lot of people think that since we have the ability to be in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex then we should ignore any same sex feelings and focus on heterosexual feelings. That view is homophobic and incredibly unfair to us. Like everyone else, we should be able to with who we love. We cannot choose who we fall in love with. If you happen to fall in love with a woman, then that is great. If you happen to fall in love with a man, then that is just as great. If you're referring to the Kübler-Ross model (five stages of grief), it sounds like anger to me. She is angry at your "choice" to engage in same sex behavior and she is expressing her anger by refusing to visit your home, voicing her disapproval of your future mates, and letting your "choice" negatively affect the relationship. Honestly, if I were you, I'd continue to live my own life. If she is continually hurting you emotionally and tearing down your self esteem, I'd put some distance in the relationship. I'd tell her something along the lines of: "It saddens me that you're letting my sexual orientation get in the way of our relationship. Unfortunately due to (list what bothers you) I have to put a bit of space between us. It isn't healthy for me to be exposed to (whatever you listed) and I need to keep my emotional and physical health a priority. I do love you and hope that we can one day move past this and that my sexual orientation will not always stop up from having a decent relationship." If you mother is making you chose between her love and your happiness, I think that you should pick your happiness. This is your life. You shouldn't have to live it trying to please someone else. That will lead to regret later on. Also, personally, I'd avoid getting into a theological debate with her. This isn't about religion. Good luck! Let me know if I can be of any more assistance
Sorry about that! Hope thst it gets better for you. My advice (although I haven't had a similar experience) would be to be true to your mom, living a lie (especially with a bf) just ends up in permanant pain. Be optimistic, and try to vent out as much problems as you need. Good luck! ride:
“You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance — you don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go.” - someone on facebook I'm not suggesting that you should completely give up on your relationship with your mom (unless you want too), but it is up to her to change. And like others have said, maybe she will change her mind, when she sees how happy a male partner makes you, so hope is not lost.
Wow you guys are so great. I love you all, not kidding... Now for some replies: Absolutely, thanks. I don't plan on backing down; I have in the past, simply to "live to fight another day", but I am not backing down on this one. She can't bully this out of me. Gosh, have I ever told you how much I love your posts. I have seen quite a few of them, and always admire what you have to say (even if I am busy spewing atheistic vitriol--sorry about that). Yeah, that is exactly how she has been treating me. Subhuman. And yeah, I really do want that connection with her, even though I keep telling myself how unnecessary and juvenile it is. I don't need her validation, I get plenty from myself and others. It would make it easier though... I think you hit the nail on the head in the sense that she is hiding behind christianity as a shield and justification for her inherent homophobia. As for the loss of family ties, I think she knows by now that I won't cut her out of my life entirely, but there will be a very deep rift between us unless she changes her mind. Yeah, I have a huge network of very supportive friends. I came out to all of them before telling my parents, and they have been incredible. One of them called me as I was writing this post, in point of fact. I am headed out to the pub with one of them this evening, and can't wait to vent and drink copiously! Your community could surprise you, but on the bright side even if it doesn't your parents are fine with you as you are. Communities can be changed, but you don't get to pick your family. I have been out to both parents since Thanksgiving Night. It was a pretty epic coming out and it's posted on EC if you care to dig a bit... I know she falls well within the window of acceptance, but I wish she'd keep her opinions to herself until she figures out something a bit less damaging. But you are right that she's never seen me happy and in love. I'll give her a pair of latex gloves if I ever choose to introduce her to a potential partner. I don't think she cares as much theologically as I thought, and regardless she would never accept even the best of apologetics from a dirty atheist like me. She raised me to be christian, and I know she considers herself at least partially a failure for me turning away from god; not to mention suddenly being a raging queerosexual... Thanks so much for your input, and I wish you luck with your Dad if you when you decide to come out to him. Thanks everybody again for the support, throw in any additional advice you may have and I will attempt to keep you updated. -The Seeker
I'm sorry you had to go through this. Just keep following what you want in your life and don't let her tell you what she wants you to be.
Thank you for the post compliment! I really appreciated hearing that no lie~<3 and no worries. I accept you've had bad experiences and guilt as a result of growing up Christian and it's within your rights to be an Atheist. Freedom of Religion and all that. I underlined and put in bold what I found to be the most important points in your response. You are being treated worse than I would treat a dog. My dog is gay, and I treat him better than your mom treats you. She definately uses the bible as a way of putting down others. That is a huge red flag! (I think you know those points though) However, I really wanted to focus on the last bit though. How much of this do you believe is grieving and how much of this do you think is how she truly feels? How long has she known about your sexuality? If it was recent it's true it may take her some time. However, the way she used such harsh words to describe her feelings for homosexuality is probably a result of her upbringing. I don't know her so I can't say. I will hope for your sake she will adapt a healthier attitude over time.
Think about what this means. You came out to her a while ago. She had time to process this. So, after considering it, she is now telling you that she categorically rejects you. And any male partners of yours. And she's tried to soften that by saying you could have a "continued relationship" but essentially on her terms only with no input from you. Additionally, she's told you she has bigotry that she's not willing to examine. I'm really sorry to have to say this, but it's honestly how I feel: I could never love someone who treated me like that. Remember, this is all after considering what you've told her. She had time to do the research and be the compassionate person I assumed her to be and come to the right conclusion. She didn't. She came to a very considered, incorrect conclusion. That's an ethical show-stopper.
If my Orthadox Penacostal mom can come around, yours will too. My last BF's mom did everything over our 4.5 year relationship to break us up. She wanted gradchildren and the church shit too. I saw her this weekend after 1.5 years we have been broken-up. She hugged me a million times and said she was so sorry for being so ugly. She said she wishes he was with me still and I was the best woman for her son. I was shocked. He is with a woman in a womans body now and is married to her. So anything is possable! You are her flesh and blood and that can't change. (*hug*) I know how insulting the eat and sleep thing is, but it will change over time. My stepmother forced my father to get hiv tests every 6 months when I was still at home. Like because they think I am gay I must have hiv and gay hiv must spread in the air or by doorknobs. So people can be crazy. When I had my first house, Dad and my stepmother stayed many times and ate lots of meals there without worring about hiv. So even they changed. I have lived with 4 men over the years so for me it is the best option for happiness. Follow your heart and you will find happiness. June
Thanks for the replies everybody. I had time to skim the new ones, but now it is late and I must sleep... I will reply at length tomorrow. You guys are awesome support; thank you for ensuring that I am not alone. Peace, The Seeker
