Hey, EC. So, admittedly, I've been feeling in a funk recently, and it seems to be getting worse. Like, my emotions just seem to be on the surface, and it's hard to feel close to anyone anymore - I can't connect with people, I'm not enjoying the things I used to, and my eyes just feel like they glaze over things instead of taking them in for what they are. I say it seems to be getting worse because now I'm being kind of cold to people, in a way. I'm not taking their feelings into regard, and I'm not as witty (if I ever was xD; ) as I used to be. But these feelings more-or-less started when I left him to come back home, after visiting him in Texas, around the end of September. It just... hurt. I loved the time I spent with him, yet my 4 break-downs on my way home were of leaving him, and the fear of hurting him. I also feel myself closing myself off more often, unwilling to talk about many things to people close to me - even my boyfriend, who's currently over in Japan as part of the Navy. But, it's like, every time I try to talk to him about something regarding my emotions or feelings... I don't know, it feels like they're invalidated or something, or he turns it around and makes it about himself. So I stopped talking to him about it, because it just seemed to provoke a negative emotion from him - in the sense of him being hurt or something. Like he would think it affected the way I feel about him and how I apparently am not truly capable of loving him. He's had a bad history with people, and it's been VERY easy for him to shut people out. And when he's hurting, I fight so hard to make sure he's gonna be okay. It just... scares and hurts me to know HE'S hurting. .____. That's just me, though, and I wouldn't say it's fair for me to judge such things because of how I don't know what he's going through right now, with his work and everything. I just... don't know. I kinda feel a bit freaked, honestly. He DOES love me - I mean, apparently I've become his world, goal, and focus. Just... somehow I feel like I hate myself and the world around me. And I can't see much of this being good. .__. I don't know... I'm sorry if I'm bugging anyone, I'm just kinda hurting and worrying and confused. Is it really depression? If so, what can I do about it other than see a counselor? I ask this because there really aren't any counselors where I live. .__. Note: I'm sorry if I've ever hurt someone or made them angry or anything, I have never meant to, and I hope you can forgive me. .w.
First of all, (*hug*) I've been through some hard times as well, and knows what it feels like to be depressed. I think one of the best things for me, is to push yourself to be busy. When you're depressed, it can be difficult to do normal every day things, that people are supposed to do everyday. Maybe go for a walk, have a nice shower, even trying out something new. Another thing I like to try is to tell myself that I am worth it, and I do matter. I have been trying to live my life the way I want to, not to worry about what others think and that has helped me a lot as well. Do you like to write? I also find that writing things down at the end of the day, like a journal or a diary can be really helpful too. If I'm really stressed, or thinking about something too much I like to write things down. I think talking to someone else may be a good idea as well, sometimes it's harder when we try to solve things on our own.
Thanks... I'll take that into consideration. (*hug*) I guess having been doing the same thing over and over and over has put me into some sort of rut. The only issue with me and 'living my life the way I want to', is that I don't know how I want to live it. .w. I've just spent a big part of my life - 14 to 16 years - pushing back my own wants and desires to satisfy other peoples'. It wasn't an easy time, as I had a difficult time fitting in and feeling accepted. Once I moved, that kind of changed, and it's something I've been kinda working on. It's just trying to find a balance of give and take. That being said, I have a few ideas I would like to try my hands at, I'm just not good at them. xD; Drawing, piano, etc., and doing not so well at them, I kinda tend to get discouraged. I'm not the most driven person out there, unfortunately. The writing thing's a good idea, too. Just gotta find something to write in... >w<; And among all this? Every now and again, I get some questioning of my sexuality. I mean, when I went down to Texas to see my boyfriend, stuff happened. ./////////. Wonderful as it was, I also felt a little worried - a little hollow - inside. Despite cuddling him, I felt this odd depression of sorts. Like I was just quite... melancholy when we cuddled. I guess maybe that was just me cherishing the moment and being really calm... I guess I was expecting more of a feeling associated with those actions. To go a liiiiiittle in depth, I did get... 'excited' when we made out and cuddled. >/////////////< I mean, if that doesn't speak for my sexuality, what would? I guess I'm just questioning things and a little on the curious side on how it'd go with a girl, to kiss her. At the same time, it's not something I want to try. I THINK I'd feel more comfortable doing something like that with a girl, but I get these really uncomfortable heeby-jeebies at the same time. Denying possible heterosexual side to myself? Maybe. ... Holy CRAP, that was long. I'm so sorry. .////////.; I'm also sorry if I said too much about certain things. >///////<
