what she expects me to do anymore

I give a damn , I know what it feels like to be lonely and confused, I think most of us have been there at some point. I'd like to emphasize that your therapist is not disappointed with you, part of her qualifications is extensive research and experience working with depressed (or anxious, etc) patients, so she knows that you're going through difficult times. It's not unusual for patients to progress very slowly, making one's way out of depression/severe loneliness is a long process, it doesn't happen overnight. Heck, many people can take as long as ten years to fully recover. You're trying to give your psyche an overhaul, that's something that can only be achieved over a few years, not months, especially for adults (children's minds are much more flexible and it's easier to encourage/discourage behaviors). So don't feel like you've let her down, that you're worthless. You're not worthless. No one is. Inside everyone is the potential to grow. You may have your flaws right now, but I can guarantee you that given enough time and work, you can change them.

I haven't experienced the depth of depression/loneliness that you have, but I have experienced a shade of what you have. Firstly, I know from experience that the worst thing for my motivation is to have something pressuring me. For example, if I feel like I have to achieve something, that feeling actually works against me, I end up not doing it. What I've found helped me a great deal was, as the movie "What About Bob" would suggest, "baby steps". Don't set huge goals for yourself. Some people thrive under the pressure of a distant goal, but it seems both you and me work better with many smaller goals rather than a few big ones.

Here's an example. Rather than setting a goal like "I will meet a woman I find attractive, and ask her out", set one more like "I will start saying hello to people more often.". You don't have to introduce yourself, just start with a friendly "Hi" to strangers you bump into. Trust me, setting small, easy goals and slowly escalating them works wonders. When you're just getting started, you need the constant positive reinforcement of achieving a goal, it's better to achieve a bunch of small ones, rather than spend lots of time working on a large one.

As for your feelings of being unattractive, I'd like to mention one observation I've made. I have met a lot of ugly (or very plain) guys who are dating, the same goes for girls. I don't mean that out of meanness or spite, but to point out that looks really aren't essential to dating. Yes, looking like Angelina Jolie will get you laid at the snap of a finger, but just because you may or may not be unattractive physically does not mean someone can't love you. It sounds sappy I know, but when you go out, look around. There are a lot of very plain looking people, sometimes even paired up with "hot" people.

Why is this? It's because they have the personality to override their physical appearance. Why should this be comforting? Well, because you're pretty much stuck with your looks (plastic surgery may or may not work, personally, it can make a plain person look repulsive, so perhaps not worth the risk). If the world worked in such a way that people who did not look like Brad Pitt didn't find partners, there would be a heck of a lot less couples out there. The great thing about this fact, is that your personality is something you can change, on your own time, and with the help of a therapist. Taking proactive steps (i.e trying to talk to more people, joining group sessions, etc) will always give some benefit, so there's nothing to lose.

So this leads me to my final point. I recommend taking a step back and approaching the situation logically. What are your interests? Do you have many, or have you not really branched out much? If you're sort of stuck with only a couple, the solution is simple. Try new things. Read some books. Watch some movies. Learn to play an instrument. Just try a whole bunch of things. You'll not only give yourself more in common with other people, but you may find a few that you really enjoy. Secondly, look at how you interact with people. Are you very closed? Have you developed defense mechanisms that may be working against you (such as maintaining a bland personality to deflect interest; not showing your real interests to people)? If so, use the "baby steps" method I mentioned earlier to try and overcome those difficulties. Try mentioning a personal interest to someone in conversation, rather than just engaging in small talk. Another thing I'd consider is, have you been getting out much? Have you been going to events that you're interested in, parties, any kind of social event? If no, don't be ashamed, since that's your main problem. You aren't going to meet someone special if you limit the amount of people you're exposed to. You've got to get out and meet lots of new people to increase your chances of meeting that soulmate.

I hope this helps, and I encourage you to not lose hope in life. That is the only thing that can never be taken from you, is hope that things can get better. You've just got to step up and confront the issues, and then slowly work around them.

 

My goodness, woman.

Take your time. There's no hurry...
Take the classes you feel like taking... If the options are so-so, then among the options pick a couple. Who knows! Maybe you'll enjoy it more than you think.
Give yourself some credit.

As for meeting people: Gay bars, chatrooms, LGBTQ groups.

 

I care as well, but I'm a little confused, what do you mean by this

I understand how you feel, but at some point in life you have to force yourself to do things that you do not like. I've been there plenty of times and I think I've surprised myself quite a bit. I understand that you do not like to draw, but perhaps taking this class could work in your favor. If you decide to take the class, you could use this opportunity to express yourself. Drawing can be fun and a huge stress reliever. I think you should at the least give it a shot. And I'm sure half of the supplies will be given to you, if not then there are plenty of places with reasonably priced art supplies.

And while I know that you're going through a hard time, never think that suicide is the answer to your problems. It's such a selfish choice to make and think about all the people you'd hurt. Just give yourself time because I know that it's not easy. Hang in there please, I'm here for you (*hug*)

 

What are your other options besides this art class? What chatrooms are you joining? It's okay to initiate contact, you have to put yourself out there. The sexual crap isn't cool obviously.

 

In the nicest way possible - what is your therapist doing? Are you being completely open with your therapist? I went to a therapist for roughly the same amount of time. It's just now that I'm realizing it wasn't a good fit. Maybe you need a change. Because you seem very down on yourself.

You do matter. Don't listen to other people - enjoy college. Take classes you want to take that might mean something to you. That way, maybe you'll find another path that just makes sense.

We are always here for you. Sometimes, I view threads but don't know what to say. (That view thing is kind of a hassle sometimes...) There are ALWAYS people around. Once you become a full member (if you decide to do so) things can be done privately, so if it's something you don't want to talk about in public, someone can still help you that way. Or post in the anonymous section!