OK, I posted here like a month ago about the problems I have with accepting myself. I'm still not happy about it but I know for sure that I need to explore now and not just hide myself more. I still have a weird feeling. I'm not happy. It started when I realized I was gay and it developed seriously. I don't know how to put it but I do things to hurt myself. I also intentionally fuck up things that could be very easy to deal with. I'll give a simple example. A day before some final - I had all the time in the world to study but I just didn't (even though I really needed), I did nothing at all that day but I got myself busy until like 1 AM and THEN I studied all night long, I was so tired when I did the test. There's worse but you get the point. It affects everything badly and I get into extreme moods too. I wasn't like this AT ALL a few years ago, that's why it pisses me off. There's nothing good left now. My mind is never clear... I thought about getting help from a psychologist, but I don't see myself opening up while I have to pay someone to listen to me. I don't even need to talk a psychologist about being gay cause it's nothing traumatic, I just need someone to talk to cause I've been completely by myself in the last 5 years. Like i said, I have friends... but not someone that can help me with the things I hate the most. Coming out is out of the question now, there's simply no one fitting. Trust me on that My family is not religious but they have a really twisted perception of homosexuality. They think that someone who's gay is someone who wants to be a woman. They mix it up with transexuals. Anyway, they won't know about it anytime soon. I think my incredibly unmotivated mood comes from a long depression, but knowing it doesn't help. Saying I'll change that doesn't help cause I get back to doing it all the time. How am I supposed to have gay friends in real life? =/ That should help. I'm stuck in my own little world that's so against it. But now I'm sure that it's just what I need now. Does anyone have advice about anything I wrote? I'm not even sure what I'm asking specifically, but last time was helpful.
Hi If you're depressed, please go to see a psychiatrist. Think of the positives: they might be able to give you some medication/counselling that helps with your mood, and when you have a better mood you'll be able to motivate yourself better and achieve your goals. Remember that you go to the doctor (and pay) when you're physically unwell, why wouldn't you go to see a doctor when you're mentally unwell? -Nick
I heard those medications mess up a lot of people. I used to be really different, I wasn't always like this. I don't think it's physical... I'd like to give myself another try before I do that. I'm just in a situation that I'm sick of everything and want a new start and I have no place to start. I feel so numb and I keep sabotaging everything purposely. How do I change things? -/
Hey Cloud. I won't get into the details, but I feel like I was in a place very similar to where you seem to be now, and what helped me get out of it was to come out to my parents. I don't mean to tell you that that's what you should do; obviously, we're different people with different families and all that. But maybe if you can muster yourself up to tell someone -- just one person -- who's important to you, it might help. It sounds to me like you feel pretty trapped and hopeless, and telling someone you're gay can feel very liberating and help you feel like you have control again. It's tough, though, I know. Good luck.
Thanks. It's true but my family just won't be supportive. I had a regular fight with my mother today and she was like "why don't you just kill yourself already? it would be so much better for everyone" I don't even tell her a lot about myself, that comment had nothing to do with my depression cause she doesn't know anything about me. She just thinks I'm bitter. She didn't mean it, but I don't want to give her the power to react like this when I tell her. I want to be on my own when I come out. I don't feel like I need their approval now. I want to say I'm gay to other people that are gay too, that must be liberating. I just don't know how. I can't wait anymore. Prozac nation sounds good. However I don't think medication would be right.I used to be happy, then I had lite depression but I could still do things right and the worse my depression gets, the less motivated I am. I'm not crazy. It's something I can help myself with, I just don't know where to start.
Hey Cloud, I'm new here and I certainly won't presume to know you, but I just want to reiterate that there is no shame in seeing a doctor or counselor about mental health issues, or even potential issues. Being in the closet may be the source of depression, but it may be something else or in addition to that. You ask a great question about how to find gay friends to talk with about how you're feeling. I think that would be very helpful to have someone to confide in who also understands the challenges of being gay. I don't have any ideas on how to find another gay person, especially if you're still in high school, but if you're at college there should be a gay group on campus. If all else, maybe talking here will be of some help.
I also wanted to say that what your mom said was really shitty. No one should ever say something like that and I hope that, as you indicated, she was not serious. Wow, that's really not cool!
Yes, I'm in high school. Thanks It's hard to explain but I was extremely different before I started realizing I was gay, so it's not some physical depression that I have. Not knwoing anyone like me is depressing so instead of running to get medication maybe I should try to work things out. Oh and she was serious when she said it, I just meant that she wouldn't actually want me dead, lol. The point is that my parents are not the first people I'll come out to cause they would only pull me down. I need to be happy with it and meet someone like me. But how? =/
Does your school have a gay straight alliance? If not you may want to start on. find a teacher and tell her that you want to start a gay straight alliance because you believe it would help Gay people in school feel more comfitable. Then go to the meetings as "straight". You might find that there are more people at your school who are gay than you relize. If you do not want to start the club by talking to a teacher in fear she will think you are gay, then make up a new email address and email the idea.
Cloud. I am/have been going through the same exact thing. It just makes life really frustrating. I started attending GSA meetings like twin said and that helped some of it. Even if I can't shout that I'm gay in everyone's face, it's still nice to know that there is someone else in the room that you can relate with. This site is really helpful for advice and support from others, but I too wish I knew an actual gay person in my town that I could sit down and discuss my feelings with. My advice to you would be to try to find at least one gay person at your school (through GSA or other means) and try to talk to them. If they share some personal experiences with you, it can be really useful for dealing with these highschool frustrations.
We don't have a GSA in school and by the time we will have one, it will be too late. Emailing is a good idea but chances are it won't happen because it doesn't seem like an open minded school to me. I need to change things up soon. I think my house is another reason for my depression, I have my own issues while I don't even like living here. I have so many school hours and I fail school anyway. Days go by just like that. What's the point in living this way? cyclopsrock are you in highschool too?
Hey Cloud, Ok, how 'bout this? Check to see if there is a PFLAG group in your area. That sounds like a group that could give you some well deserved support. If the closest one is too far away to attend inconspicuously then maybe contact them and I bet they'll have a suggestion for you. Maybe they'll know someone closer to you. I just feel bad that you seem so down and I'm trying to think of an idea that can help you. When you said, "I used to be really different, I wasn't always like this." that really hit home for me. I've felt that way, particularly in the past few years. Before that, and even after I figured out that I was gay, I was reasonably happy and I had interest in the things that I did. For example, I really got into home imporvement projects when I moved in 5 years ago. But now I just keep up with the basic chores that I have to do and very little else. It's been this way for the past two years and my bathroom is still not completed! I have lots of ideas, but very little gets done. I've blamed it on the stress of my job, but I think that feeling of stress and my lack of motivation around the house is due to being depressed on some level. I'm quite certain that the depression is due to my unwillingness to have confidence in being gay. I think that talking to someone who wouldn't be a jerk about it would be really helpful. That person wouldn't have to be gay, but he/she would have to be trustworthy to not reject me and to keep our conversation confidential. I should see a therapist, and I think about it fairly often, but then I'll get in a better mood and think, "Nah, I don't need that." Next thing you know I'm down and thinking about it again. I shold really take my own advice!! Take care, man.
Thank you. What you said about changing your mind and getting depressed again, I'm EXACTLY like you. People here do help a lot with what they say and make me feel better when I read the posts but at the end of the day, off the computer, I am alone. I've been like this about 5 years now but now it's blowing up. I still try not to show I'm depressed but I'm much less motivated. After failing some tests last year I had to tell my teacher that I had some private issues that affected my grades and now my grades would be better, and she told another teacher about it (and some other negative things - me not being serious in school) this year because I think she wants a new student in class and the class is full. She's been a bitch all year. I shouldn't have said anything. It's going to be tougher than that but I can't get too personal here because I don't want anyone to recognize who I am. Same with PFLAG... i can't go there. Thanks for the suggestion though. Have you not told anyone that you're gay too? Maybe you should take your own advice You have your own house already, that's a HUGE start. The same way you blame things on the stress of your work, I blame it on being gay. It did start because of that but now it's more than just liking guys.
I do understand your predicament - you feel that you must keep your secret from others. Therefore, I suggest that you go to a bookshop and buy yourself a self-help book about beating depression and then start working through your issues. Good luck! -Nick
Thanks but a book won't work with me... a book is not a subtitue for a person. cyclopsrock do you have MSN or AIM?
I think if you have a specific idea of a solution to your problem -- and it seems like you do, Cloud, and that is to find another gay person w/ whom you can discuss your issues -- then the next step is to make that idea into a reality. I know it's tough to find other gay people, and it's made even tougher when you're young, your access to certain venues is limited, you're living w/ a family that's unaccepting of homosexuality, and you're in the closet. But ultimately, if you want this solution, you're going to have to find a way to make it a reality, even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone a little. It's highly unlikely that gay people out there are going to be actively searching you out specifically, so you've got to take it to them and find your solution! (On the other hand, it sounds like maybe you and cyclops can relate to each other and are in a similar place, so maybe you can be each other's support!) But sometimes what we think is exactly what we need actually doesn't solve anything. So I think it's not a bad idea to try some of the things that people have already suggested -- like finding books, PFLAG groups, etc. You may think they're not the solution for you, but you never know until you try!
^good post, thanks... It's more serious than that now. Something really big and depressing happened to me that I don't want to post here.. a terrible day. What's more depressing is the fact 2 people I wanted to tell it to right after it happened (2 gays online) didn't care. Like I said I don't want to say it here but anyway... guess I had to say something about it here before I explode. I HATE IT
