So I broke up with my ex a few weeks ago, long story but in short we were more FWB than boyfriends. So I've been seeing this other guy for about a week and half or so, and I told him I wanted to move slow since I got burned jumping into something really fast with my ex. At first things were moving at about the pace I wanted, then he started calling me baby and telling me how much he liked me and he wants to spend tons of time with me. I mean I like spending time with him, but I want to see my friends too and I have a hard college workload, I'm an engineer and he's a sociology major, so I tend to spend more time on course work than he does. I'm kinda of introvert and enjoy my alone time too, and he always wants me to spend all my free time with him. I've told him that I feel like he's clingy and he says he'll try to tone it down and that lasts for about an hour or two. I don't know what to do, I like him and I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know if I can deal with another insecure person, my ex was super jealous. I'm also a bit of a people pleaser so that makes it hard for me to stand up for myself sometimes.
Tell him everything you told us, and if he doesn't let up for your sake, then say goodbye. That sucks, but if he can't respect your need for time and space now, what makes you think he would in any kind of relationship you might have?
^This. Sometimes it must really be explained, especially if he doesn't have a lot of experience being in relationships. But, he tries for a few hours to respect your space. That's something.
Does clingy mean insecure or simply attentive? Man, I could go for a attentive relationship about now Clarify; insecure or too attentive? Both can be self resolving in time. Stuck
Like people have said, you've got to tell him (nicely) what you've told us. Don't say it in a critical way, rather go about it more like "I just want to know I really like you, but I'm feeling a little cornered right now. I'd appreciate it if you could tone down the affection, at least for now. However, I still want to keep dating, so I hope you're not hurt ". Keep in mind that some people just get excited/anxious during the first little while of dating someone new. It's an exciting experience, so it can be hard for some people to restrain themselves. Give him some time to relax and know that you're not going to just dump him out of the blue, and he'll likely chill out.
Clingy is not equal to attentive. Someone genuinely attentive is sensitive to the other person's needs, and can understand when life situations intrude over the relationship. Someone who's clingy and insecure has a deep-seated belief that they don't deserve a healthy relationship, so they cling on for dear life to any relationship they are in, and generally smother the other person (and the relationship) in the process.
I need to just get a stamp that says "learn a lesson." You need to give just as much back - as in, if you don't want someone clingy, then you need to not be such a people pleaser. Trust me - I know it, because I used to be the biggest people pleaser. I realized, earlier last year, that it was my own doing. So stand up for yourself. Enjoy your time dating.
This is very true and very important. After coming out, I gained a female friend who was both clingy and extremely domineering. Because I wanted to please her, I eventually threw out my back because of the stress of always doing what she wanted. I started seeing a counselor, and she said that if you are constantly trying to be what the other person wants you to be, then you are not being your true self. Which means that they are not getting to know the real you. Which means that they cannot truly love you unless you are willing to be yourself and take care of yourself in spite of what they may want from you.
