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I seriously don't know what the hell is wrong with me... [Mostly a rant/vent]

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MusicIsLife, Mar 13, 2008.

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  1. MusicIsLife

    MusicIsLife
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    & I thought coming out would make things easier :frowning2:

    Basically here is what happened:

    I was in the kitchen and my brother was nearby. Hes 2 years younger and hes got borderline adhd, so its not super bad, but bad enough that it drives everyone in the house nuts when hes off his meds.

    What makes it worse is that hes in weight training now and so hes gotten really strong, and he doesnt know his own strength. So anyway, he patted me on the head and I hit him, because i hate hate hate being touched i.e patted on the head, poked in the stomach, or touched in the general stomach or head area. It just gets me really upset.

    So one thing led to another and then i was on the floor digging my nails and teeth in his arm to keep him from literally strangling me. So then he kicked me, and left me on the floor there, almost in tears.

    So i silently went up to my room and turned on some loud music so my mom wouldn't hear me crying. And then my thoughts turned slightly fucked up:

    I was grabbing at my self ad crying and thinking things like, "If i had no tits and i had a dick i would be normal, who does he [my brother] think he is, thinking he has a hard life? i have to lie about who i choose to love, my mother refuses to accept it and hides behind the word "phase" my aunt found out and whenever i mention a guy friend, or a guy celebrity, she thinks its physical attraction, my grandparents would hate me if they knew..." and so on for about an hour before i cried myself to sleep.

    I don't know wtf is wrong with me :frowning2:
     
    #1 MusicIsLife, Mar 13, 2008
  2. Midnight Angel

    Midnight Angel Guest

    First of all, (*hug*) you need that. Secondly, your brother assaulting you is NOT your fault (or his really if he doesn't know his own strength). I know life can be hard, but when it has you wishing you were something else (male or otherwise) other than what you are, it's life that is going wrong there is nothing wrong with you at all. Times are tough for you right now, but you've done nothing to bring it onto yourself. You didn't ask for your brother to maul you. You didn't ask to like girls. There is nothing wrong with you at all. It's everyone else who has a problem.(*hug*)
     
    #2 Midnight Angel, Mar 13, 2008
  3. MusicIsLife

    MusicIsLife
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    *hugs back* Thanks :slight_smile: I guess the stress of knowing that there are certain people that i can never tell got to me, and the fight with my brother kind of brought it all to the surface or something...
     
    #3 MusicIsLife, Mar 13, 2008
  4. Orion

    Orion
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    (*hug*)
    The worst thing about tough times is when they everything comes together and just brings you down.
    Very true what Derek said. Nothing of what happened to you is your fault, and you shouldn't worry about it. You should worry in a good sense, but you can never let that get to you, and don't even think about letting that make you feel bad about yourself :slight_smile:

    All I can say now is carry on, and you seem to have done it. Just accept that nothing is wrong with you at all and people will see it (&&&)
     
    #4 Orion, Mar 13, 2008
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