Sorry to be repetitive but.. seriously.. Where to begin? I've been fighting my sexuality for way too long, finally I accepted myself and now my only worries are about the things to come, and how my life will change now that I'm gay. I need to come out but I just don't have the strength to do it, and I know I won't be able to cope with whatever comes down after that. Deep down I know I will handle it, but only beacuse everything comes down eventually. I wish it was because I found the courage to face everyone and myself. Now I have to decide what problem to tackle first. My sexuality? Or my weight? I know it sounds cliché but my weight has always held me down. I think it is because I've been keeping myself out of the light for so long, I don't even know who I am anymore. I just wish I could take a lot of decisions back. And that is a mistake. Life should be without regrets. And that is just the point of the iceberg. I'm a horrible person. It seems all keeping me from myself has caused this shitty side of me to evolve. I constantly call for attention. Hell, this post is a monument to that. People come to this thread to seek help, not to read my crap. I feel a complete fake offering a hand of support saying that everything will be ok, when I'm falling apart inside. Now I don't know what to do, pursue my coming out or finally find myself across all this weight. Maybe I should explain myself. I used to weight around 235 pounds and maybe more. At a time I didn't even weight myself to avoid the trouble. In the course of two yaers I managed to lose a lot of it, and now I am around 180 (used to be 175 though) and I'm only 5'8" so you can imagine. Now my body is all messed up and I still have a long way to go, If I ever want to be happy with my self. Now I feel like crap for throwing myself a pity party. I don't want to be reminded as the fat guy. The fat gay sociophobic guy. Tell me about stereotypes. And yes, I am slightly sociophobic. My hands become a river when I'm in public and I blush in every ocassion. And to add some drama (I'm a crybaby, attention-seeker and drama queen) I tried at least three times to close this tab and not post this at all. Lately I've been having some worrying anger times. I think I posted about it before (I wonder if I started more threads than I posted in other, effectively screwing up my helping karma) I get mad at everyone for anything. Earlir today I got astoundigly mad because my post was erased in the post your pic thread (and I know it was my fault beacuse it had nothing to do with a picture of myself and was essentialy off-topic) and I logged into the chatroom exclusively to complain about it. Who on earth do I think I am?? Hell, and afterwards I just felt guilty about crashing the chatroom conversation. And for being a jerk to everyone, including Derek who really doesn't deserv it (sorry) and then I got all paranoid, etc. I honestly don't have the strength to deal with all this right now and I don't know what to do. I'm honestly thinking about putting my sexuality at bay for the moment and concentrate on my weight. So I don't want to get into EC anymore, until I do it. I know that is beyond crap though.. In fact I bet I'l refresh the page a minimum of ten times to see if I get any responses. I'm such a fake. I seriously don't know what to do. I hit a plateau with myself and I can't get out of it. (I honestly understand if you don't want to read this)
You are right there; no matter how hard you try you will have to handle it someday, but don't think that just because you haven't come out yet, or don't see yourself coming out in the near future, DOES NOT mean you are weak or cowardly. Yes, you can feel slightly pressured, especially in a community like this where it seems everyday there is a new coming out story. But just because others were ready to come out, doesn't mean you are yet. Everyone has to find the right time and place for it, and just because that hasn't happened for you doesn't mean it won't happen. You will know when you are ready to come out. "Everyone makes mistakes, that's why they put erasers on pencils" Yes, everyone has regrets. Everyone wishes that they could take back or re-do something they did. But you can't lets the regrets hold you back. I'm sorry if this seems blunt, but you can't dwell on them, what will you acheive by doing so? Think "What can I do to make things better today?" You're not a horrible person. Everyone makes mistakes. Try and learn from them to benefit in the future. You obviously feel like you need help, so why not post here. Nobody is here to say "your problems don't matter", if they are a problem then they DO matter. And the Psychologist Lucien Freud had some weird theories but I do agree with one of them; talking helps. You feel like you're falling apart... that doesn't sound like "crap" to me. And even though you say you feel bad you still offer a supporting hand, contradicting your earlier self veiw of "I'm a horrible person". For one thing, to drop to 180 from 235 is one heck of an acheivement. It is great that you are concerned with your health than just being nonchalant about it. But about being "happy with yourself". Okay, yes, there will be a target weight that you want to be, but that doesn't mean you can't still be happy with who you are. You will get to where you want to be. I'm sorry, I can't reply to the rest of it right now (Lessons interfering with EC time).
I don't think you should choose between your weight or your sexuality. Your weight is very much affected by your emotions and happiness. So you need support for both! Cutting yourself off from EC won't help you. Losing 55 pounds is a huge accomplishment! Be proud of yourself for that and keep up the good work. We're here to offer support!
Ok I'll pick up from Pirateninja, she has a lot of good points, listen to her. You ask if you should deal with the weight or the sexuality... you can put your weight on hold, you have already done a great job in losing weight, give yourself a break, what you can't do is put your sexuality on hold. This is surely one of the reasons you have a weight problem. If you can sort out your sexuality, accept yourself for who you are, accept the weaker points of your character as well as the stronger ones the weight will eventually sort itself out. Like Pirateninja says, what is done is done, you can't live in the past or with regrets. You can't change the past so there is no point feeling bad about it, turn the page and don't make the same mistakes in the future. The whole point of EC (apart from having fun) is to help people who feel like they are coming apart. You are not the only one who asks for help and this is far from being a pity party! I for one love reaching out and giving a helping hand... EC did wonders for me at a difficult time in my life. So, in reply to your question; Where to begin, I would say start by accepting yourself, warts and all sexuality and all and then when you are ready go from there. When I say accept yourself that does not necessarily mean coming out to the whole world, rather coming out fully to yourself.
Orion, I admire you for taking off those pounds. You're a power of example for me .I'm trying to go from 205-to 175. You say you're on a plateau.That's great. A plateau is a place to rest and assess where you are and what to do next. Don't worry about asking for help on EC. That's what it's here for. Today, to help you and give you strength. Then some time in the future, when things have settled in your life, you will have the experience to reach out and help another. Every human being is a unique and special person.As you are!
Whew! Well I read and re-read your answers (a day later, to give myself some time) and now, I'm in a much better mood. I seem to have found the strentgh to fight it all at the same time I have no idea where that came from, but maybe it was you guys! thx, really (&&&)
Aww you weren't a jerk to me and you didn't crash the conversation don't worry. Remember we're all here for you whenever you feel down (*hug*)
I'm glad it's going better... And I agree with the other people here. It seems you were beating yourself up in your post. I get those moments too, when I feel I've messed up my life and I can't get out of it, which in retrospect, is always pretty ridiculous. You can always improve, and going from 235 to 180 is really awesome! About coming out... I was a little like you when I first came to EC. Like everyone was further along than me and bla bla bla. Honestly, what will come after you come out will be probably very benefitial to you. Just start small... the first person is super hard, and it gets better with time. Good luck, and please, don't think you're annoying people by asking for help: that's the point of EC!
