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It's Amazing How After Telling the Truth, You Find Yourself Still Living a Lie.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by 4ever Hearth, Feb 22, 2013.

  1. 4ever Hearth

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    Well, I just want to start this off by saying that I, as cheesy as this sounds, have always done my best to be caring and understanding of those around me for the simple fact that I know how it feels to be "Left behind" and "Overlooked" as well as "Looked Through." For example: Growing up, I was very multi-talented but the main talent at the time was singing. Now of course that sounds super cliche but it isn't trust me. When I wasn't singing I was a roughneck kid all the way(flipping off dressers, beds, jumping over banisters, hopping fences, jumping over walls with my cousins, very much physically active).


    <p>Now from the outside looking in, I seemed like a very well-adjusted kid(8-10). I spoke in fluent, coherent sentences when explaining myself, I had an above average vocab since my mother made me read 24/7 and I was always very charismatic and bubbly towards strangers. In reality, that well adjusted kid was very much f**ked up especially since he saw his first porn around 5 or 6 and realized that he wasn't turned on by the insatiable blonde with head-sized boobs that moaned like a rooster in the morning. Nor was it the adonis that walked into the room a few minutes into the movie, tearing off each layer of his three piece suit before he "worked" on the former. No, not at all. Not only did he discover that there was something he very much enjoyed about men but he found that husky, hairy guys were his thing. The guy, who in the movie, didn't get to "work" on the woman but instead acted as her sexual doggy treat, warming her up before she endulged in the real puppy chow(you have to admit, I have a way with words :lol: ). Anyways, being a kid that didn't lack in perception or comprehension(seemingly cursed with both beyond my age) I quickly picked up on the fact that only was being attracted to guys unacceptable but I never once mentioned said attraction to anyone especially with the voice in my head that kept saying "Dnt be a f**king idiot kid, dnt you dare tell anyone!!!"(Yes, I was also a very intense kid as well. When you hear your parent's go at it every night, all night as described in "Family Portrait" by Pink, you develop a "terrible" vocab to match the horrible nights).


    <p> Fast Forward to my 8th grade year(when the monopoly began), I had just coped with the school itself and felt I could have an amazing year. Until rumors were spread that my father, a well-known Security Guard, had relations with a minor during the summer program(Not a student who attended the school, which raises the question why was she there but I digress). So that sent my year into a whirlwind of constant fights, arguements and defending of my own family name(I swear I felt like dude from that movie about the last dragon rider......and his dragon name was Saphira(just to help jog memories)). I was fourteen at the time and honestly thought well this is the worst of it. I mean I had beaten myself to a pulp over my sexuality so it seemed a little poetic now that I would be getting tortured for the sexual sins of my father. After awhile, I got used to it. I adapted. I became stronger. I refused to let them win and though my mother offered a chance to transfer, I simply replied "It's just going to follow me and i'll be damned if I give them the satisfaction." To which I am still proud of. A couple of months later, this new kid arrived and for some reason he was drawn to me. I didn't get it at first and I found him quite annoying and naive but after awhile he grew on me. One day after a slight fit of jealousy on my part, We had a talk and established that we "liked" eachother. From that point on my world seemed alot brighter, I laughed more instead of constantly snapping on everyone for anything. And I told him everything that was upsetting me and he always knew how to make it better. The kid was my rock. A little while after, the romance turned sour. We butted heads, words were said and(ofcourse words would be said on a friday) that monday he didn't comeback to school. I then found out he ran away and that was my first nervous breakdown(Picture: Imagine some short, husky black kid throwing desks and books(before the classroom emptied by force of command from the teacher), screeching in pain like a wounded eagle with tears flowing down his face. So intense it took three teachers, a security guard and the principal to calm me down). You can safely assume the rest of that year was hell on earth yet after graduation, I felt like bigger and better things were coming my way........Boy was I mistaken.



    <p> 9th Grade: I had used so much energy during 8th Grade I had no will to fight so I was pushed around by peers and faculty(since I had become the quiet bookworm type that just wanted to get by). I was charmed by a snake and once that asshole left me alone to my misery, I drank away any semblance of an emotion. And I failed my math class, though I informed several "superiors" that I couldn't keep up in the class then I was told it was my fault by both, my mother who said "You were being lazy and didnt try." And my terrible G.Counselors whose defense was "That wasn't our fault." So yeah, I lost my kindness that year. And my anxiety from the previous year worsened drastically.

    <p>10th Grade: This year seems very vague to me because I didn't buttheads with ppl since I just ignored them most of the time. I had acquaintances and very few friends. I enjoyed being alone more than anything and I developed this ability to use my words like razorblades though that wasn't enough to keep some of the "bada**es" at bay. I failed the make-up math class this year though the teacher informed me that I had improved, that threw me way off.

    <p>11th Grade: This was the big shabang. I was so pissed and so backed up with "Words I Never Said"(yes, its a reference) that I exploded and everybody got a piece(most justly, few not so much), my school officials, my parents, anyone who irritated me. Though I was very much "out of control"(my drinking shot through the roof, my mouth needed a muzzle and my hands and feet were unpredictable). My outlets weren't working anymore so I just said everything as was. I was constantly in something with two of my four teachers because they, believe it or not, were not properly teaching us their subjects. For Example: Chemistry is supposed to be hands-on, well my chem teacher never did anything hands on with us and she never made the book seem interesting either. Fast forward, at some point in this year, I lost control and my anger took the wheel. I was attacking friends and foes alike without regard. As well as destroying school property. With the help of some dear people who KNEW me, I was able to beat it all back.

    <p>12th Grade: This is almost as vague as tenth except for the fun moments I had with new found friends but this year, now that im older, I see that I was very cowardice and called it being "Mature." Instead of tackling some issues like I should have, I avoided them which cost me even more dearly. For Example: My guidance counselor had a terrible attitude and because of fear of relapsing back to Manic Mike, I just avoided her as much as possible and lied when I couldn't. Which caused me to miss out on some great opportunities. Basically this year I had become very passive and nonchalant but called it being Mature and Decisive. "Choosing my battles wisely" I said. At the end of my 12th Grade year, I had an epiphany about myself. I was afraid to go into the real world and not know enough about myself, so I decided to lock myself in my room until I knew myself inside and out.


    <p> Present Day: Well that experience took two years and I can say that I am in someways better for it. I have genuinely matured and do not flip-flop on my stance as I once did. But at what cost you ask......(pretend u asked)? I have become a hermit. I spent so much time alone that I have no idea how to co-exist with others. The daily routines of life and interaction seem very asinine and untruthful to me now. It feels as if i'm a vessel and my soul is clawing at my insides for one more chance at happiness. Weirdly enough, the people I have around me tend to enjoy my company(mostly because I don't show this side of me I guess) but I find myself asking why bother at this point. Somethings excite me but when it comes down to me, getting along with me. It's like apart of me goes: "F**k that, I would rather take a blade to the nuts and one to the back door."


    <p>Basically: My main point is this. I have been fighting battles for forever since they date back further than fourteen, no different than most. But the only thing that seems a constant, isn't the battlefield but the fact that I am alone. My family has never once stood ground with me or made me feel as if my life wouldn't be a constant fight. Hell if anything they reassured that from the get go but they have definitely played pivitol roles in each, especially my mother, but never for the better. To this day, I can sit with them and laugh and joke yet they would never once realize that I am in endless pain. Part of me keeps making excuses for them while "Manic Mike" keeps yelling "Dnt be a f**king idiot kid, they're ignoring you. It's easier than saying they were wrong!!" Basically, I was hoping that anyone could help me cope with this because lately, mike has gotten alot louder and is very much relentless. :help:
     
  2. FashionDisaster

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    I won't say that our personal stories are the same, because they aren't, but I was in a similar place of hidden pain, anger, and a general fuck it to life feeling. I ended up getting really good at faking being happy as well; my family never seemed to come close to realizing how much pain I was in.

    For myself, I had to come to term with my own inner demons. This wasn't an easy task by any means. I had to learn to move beyond a past of child abuse, a homophobic father, mentally unstable mother and sisters (as in legitimate diagnosed disorders), constantly moving (I could count 17 moves by the time I was 20), and a lot of shame in being gay.

    The first thing that helped me was moving away from home. I know that it seems like I was just isolating myself further, and to a degree I was, but I needed the distance so that I could finally begin to calm down and think on my past. For a long time, even after moving out, I was still really withdrawn and depressed. Eventually though, I realized that I needed to try to be content with myself. I had to start doing what I wanted to do so that I could be satisfied. I needed to figure out a way to let go of the things that made me angry or sad.

    I just want to stop real fast and say the reason I say content with myself and not happy for myself is because I decided that contentment, and not happiness, was the goal to a good life. This doesn't mean that I don't want a life filled with happiness and joy, but that I understand that I won't always be happy. So long as I can say that I am content with the choices I now make and who I am, that will get me through the hard times.

    Of course to do that I had to let go of all of the emotional baggage that I carried. Which leads us back to how I figured out how to let go of of my anger and sadness.

    I began to practice meditation. I would focus on breathing slowly in and out. At the same time I tried imagined my mental self as being in a place of complete nothingness and/or calmness. For me, this usually took on the form of of a globe in which everything was dark and still. Sorta like a completely placid pool of water inside of a quiet, cool cave. I would imagine I was just floating in this pool; both submerged and completely still.

    To keep my mind clear of thoughts it became helpful to move from focusing on my breathing to trying to focus on my heartbeat and the feel of the blood flowing thru my veins. It was always helpful to be positioned in such a way that at least two of my fingertips were touching so that I could start trying to feel the beat from there.

    Once I felt that I had more or less mastered this form of meditation, it meant that this place of utter calmness was a permanent spot within my mind that I could go to whenever I wanted. From here I allowed myself to begin to think upon the things that troubled me while trying to stay in this calm state. I thought about all of the pain and anguish each member of my family had caused me, and I realized that they were just people. They had tried to do their best, but there was so much pain and sadness in their own lives that, while it wasn't always enough, it was to the best of who they felt they were. I realized that almost no one tries to be cruel or evil just to be that way. They have things in their life that shaped them and made them feel justified in what they did. This isn't even always that they think what they do is right. They may even hate themselves for the things that they do, but they feel that for one reason or another it is beyond their control to stop.

    Once I understood this, I began to be more understanding of everyone. I was even able to emphasize with those that I dislike. This allowed me to accept the small annoying things people could do at times, and, further, it made me able to not hold on to anger for those who I felt had crossed a line.

    That doesn't mean that I never get angry, but when I do I don't hold on to it and let it become hatred. Neither does it mean that I think that people should be forgiven without punishment. Rather, I now feel that instead of current standard forms of punishment, people need to be helped with their own inner demons and only locked away while they are a danger to others.

    Finally I had to do the hardest thing; which was to forgive and accept myself for who I was. I had to realize that there was nothing wrong with being myself; that includes being gay. I had to start being true to myself, even if there were those who wouldn't accept it. I had to come out of the closet to those around me so that I could start to feeling comfortable being myself completely because what is the point of satisfying others' desires if it comes at the expense of all of your own. I learned to truly understand that there are certain parts of you that are intrinsic to your being, and other parts that can be changed. I developed faith in myself and that I could find a way to accomplish my goals while staying true to myself.

    That is more or less how I overcame my anger and sadness that was leaving me very withdrawn. It wasn't easy, at times it felt near impossible, and it took the past five years of my life to reach this point. I'm still sorting out some aspects of my life and trying to apply this understanding of life to my own. There are even times when I fail to live up to these ideals, but I always try to correct my mistakes without dwelling on being ashamed of them.

    I wish I could explain in more detail how I made some of my leaps in logic, but many were so personal to my problems I don't think that following the exact same path that I took would work for anyone else.

    I hope that you will be able to use my story to guide your own journey. I leave you with these general statements:

    1. Remember that other people have their own problems and pain that can affect how they behave. Even if you don't always agree with their motivations, try to emphasize with the pain they feel because it is real to them.

    2. Don't try to do anything to purposely cause others pain, but at the same time remember that you must be true to yourself. If someone can't accept that, and who you are hurts no one, than it is fine to disregard their opinion of you.

    3. If you regret any choices you made in the past, realize that it is to late to change them so it is pointless to continue beating yourself up. Rather, apologize to those you hurt; even if they don't accept it right away, it will help both you and them. Try to figure out how to correct any mistakes that you can, and make amends for those that you can't.

    Lastly, have a great day :icon_bigg (and I do mean it, this isn't just fulfilling a social convention).
     
  3. 4ever Hearth

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    You know what, this post is very eerie considering that I have had similar thoughts about forgiving but brushed it off as me just "making excuses" for them. I also have a similar process but i'm not sure it could be considered meditation. Yet when it's over I usually feel slightly refreshed. Several times I have sat alone with myself, in my room, as my family laughs and enjoy eachother's company downstairs and "retreated" into my head. When it happens, it's like i'm seeing everything from third person. And it's a conference room that is nicely furbished(I guess that means I still I have some sense of an inner-structure). Then two of me appear, one is wearing business casual attire(Logic/Rational) while the other is wearing casual attire((Emotion/Passion)snapback, cargo shorts, "modern" sneakers, etc). Basically it takes the tone of a brotherly sit-down. Both start off reflecting on incidents that date back to the beginning of my insecurities, chronologically it extended from 5 or 6 to 21(my age now). Now here's when it gets interesting. When it comes to my family, they both agree that trying to "make it work" with them any longer will end up destroying the little sense of self we have left but, as I stated in my original post, one part of Me(Emotion/Passion) gets upset and decides that it wouldn't work if Me and Myself(Logic/Rational) tried to function together. Which is very much a distrust that holds warrant since pretending to be such a "Well-Adjusted Kid" came at the cost of my emotional needs.


    Luckily after having read what you said, the possibilities seem alot more in reach. Though our experiences aren't the same, your advice definitely means the world to me. Especially since now I know someone else has felt like this and beat it or coped, whichever you prefer. So thank you so f**king(I mean this endearingly, I swear :thumbsup: ) much for the level-headed advice. :eusa_danc (*hug*) :icon_bigg :smilewave
     
    #3 4ever Hearth, Feb 23, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2013
  4. FashionDisaster

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    Your very welcome :icon_bigg

    Also I think the mental imagery technique you use is great. At the end of the day, meditation is really only about finding a way to relax yourself so that you can think or not think as needed.
     
  5. FashionDisaster

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    Just wanted to add, and new post since the edit button doesn't seem to be working for me, that if both sides of you are in agreement on something you might want to really consider it. If you feel completely its is what you need to do, don't let doubt and insecurity from your emotional self deter you. That is something that definitely delayed me getting what I needed done for awhile. Eventually I realized that if the only thing stopping me was that I felt afraid that I wouldn't succeed, than I would always be worried about not being able to accomplish my goals and never get them done.
     
    #5 FashionDisaster, Feb 24, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2013