Hi, I'm new here. I recently started coming out - slowly - but t's finally happening and I'm fine with it. However, like I read in many posts here, I too have the straight (?) friend for whom I fell in love, and I started reading many things about the behavior of someone denying their sexuality. I'm not sure if my friend is (and probably will only find out if I ask him), but I eventually found a site by a man called Joseph Winn. He's a psychotherapist and here's what he says about this kind of behavior: Processes reported by men denying their homosexuality Sexuality is much more complex than what one does with one’s genitals. Sexuality is a central component of ones identity and influences how we think about, experience and interact with the world around us. Intimacy and trust compose two of the most important aspects of a committed relationship, and often culminate in the expression of emotional, spiritual and physical connection. These processes allow us to risk being “fully open” and “known” by another. When one feels they must sequester their sexual orientation, a variety of self-destructive behaviors may emerge. These behaviors are often utilized to dull the realization that one does not feel “whole”, or “authentic”. These behaviors often manifest as; Increased use of drugs and / or alcohol Avoidance of emotional intimacy with significant other Avoidance of emotional intimacy with friends Avoidance of emotional intimacy with family Sexual aversion Erectile dysfunction Anorgasmia, the inability to have an orgasm Becoming hypersexual with women, to “prove” that one is not gay Engaging in “anonymous” sex with men, to meet “sexual needs”, while having “emotional needs”, met by wife and family” Avoiding emotional intimacy with other men Somatic complaints, e.g., headaches, body aches, gastrointestinal discomfort Contempt for “effeminate” gay men Contempt for “out” gay people Internalized homophobia A new sensitivity for the struggles endured by gay people A refusal to remain silent when confronted by homophobic speech or news Recognizing the links between homophobia, racism, sexism, and the other “isms” Depression Anger Weight gain Weight loss Emotional withdrawal from family Physical withdrawal from family I'm not sure if this has scientific value, but some of these do ring a bell (but it can be about any kind of denial, I guess). But one really intrigued me: "Becoming hypersexual with women, to “prove” that one is not gay" Yes, ok, I know there are people who stay married for years, and I know there are gays who slept with women and all... But being hypersexual with women? It just seems so hard to believe! This was the only place I read this particular stat, what I want to know is if someone knows if that can actually happen. Thank you in advance!
mmm by hypersexual with women, maybe he's referring to the idea of constantly, i suppose, have the concept of straight sex on their minds? as opposed to actually feeling horny for women
It's an interesting point, but I was really unsure about that. I guess I just have the curiosity of how an homossexual can keep a sexual routine with not some, but many people of the opposite sex (or even many times with the the same person).
Sex in it's self is not really difficult act for many people, if you do not place expectations or relationships on the same level as sexual acts then those acts can be considered separate from romantic relations and make them appear as two different things. So if a gay man is having sex with a lot of women and denying the consideration that he is attracted to men then the acts of sex with women could be considered a form of denial of any physical or emotional relations that the man could have with his gender. Ex: Men who have sex with women are not gay, so a man who has sex with a woman is not gay and does not have these feelings or sex with other males. This isn't really true, but it can be regarded as a common though process to many people. Heck you could flip it back around towards gay people (men who have sex with men are not straight, thus they do not have sex with women or have feelings towards them) so it isn't just a simple one sided issue. Bisexuality is a way of acknowledging these feelings for both genders however it can be limited to physical or types relationships that are formed between genders. The use of sex as denial is generally not necessarily indicative of bisexuality since there may not be any significant attraction between the denying gay male and the woman.
Cool info! I did so much of that! Especially thinking so many people were "obviously gay and just in denial" haha. And I can see being hypersexual as yeah, having lots of sexual activity and obsessions with sex related things to prove how hetero you are. The first time I got off after years of self love I swore I was fantasizing about a guy and that was what turned me on ...when later I was thinking how actually sharing a dorm room with this girl who was sleeping across the room every time was probably the catalyst. I became obsessed with masturbation and watching straight porn which of course meant I was hetero! This one weekend I was dating this guy and we spent a whole weekend straight in bed hooking up to which all my friends cheered and still recall my sex marathon weekend...but the truth was it wasn't good for me and almost torture trying to work at enjoying it. But I was obsessed. And then I even worked at a porn magazines for straight women laying out pages of erect penises...I was like "what gay girl would take this job?!" So though I bet it is harder to be in denial for guys and still get aroused and keep up the facade...I guess there are other ways to be hypersexual.
