I am a young adult. I live at home. My family, especially my parents, are extremely religious and are as heterosexist as can be. Anything other than masculine male and feminine female is an abomination and a ticket straight to Hell. I am male-bodied and have grown up without questioning anything because I didn't know it was even possible to question. In my mid- to late-teens I begin developing strong crushes on men but never acted on them, and this continued throughout my college years. I had a girlfriend throughout this whole period, one who was also heterosexist and completely unaware of how I felt. At one point late in our relationship (now over) I sort of hinted that I would kiss and even marry a couple of male celebrities I crush on (one is openly gay and one is thought to be gay), and she was disgusted. I also mentioned to her a few times that I would love to paint my nails and do girly activities, and she just took it as a joke. Ever since I've been a critical thinker, I've been concerned with women's rights and LGBTQ rights, and the more I explored my thoughts and feelings, I realized I didn't feel masculine, and I didn't feel straight. I am very easily befriended by women and gay men, and I'm oftentimes assumed to be gay by my dress, behavior, and mannerisms by those who do not "know" the "straight" me. I do not feel comfortable doing "manly" things and being around stereotypical men in any kind of relationship. I am open to romantic relationships with the right kind of man or woman. But having grown up in a strict religious atmosphere, which included home, church, school, and even work, I know literally no one with whom I can be open and honest about my feelings. My family are a definite "No" because I would be rejected forever. My very few close friends would also reject me, or at least distance themselves from me and never see me in the same light. I can never act the way that feels natural to me unless I completely uproot myself and cut myself off from everyone and everything I've ever known. I know what kind of advice people will give and what is supposedly best for me, but all I really needed at this moment is to actualize my feelings by putting them into words, even though nothing will probably change in my lived reality. I feel like I should be honest with someone. I just wish I had a person close to me and with whom I could sit and talk and confide in. -stuck
Well, what I have to say is that it's never late to pursue what will make you happy. If you actually feel stuck and helpless now, just try to think in things that would change your situation, like moving out. I'm not sure if you have a job, but it would be a place to meet new people, or maybe doing some kind of activity. Just don't lose your mind, things will eventually get better if you persist. And about your friends, just remember that if they don't accept you as you are, they shouldn't be your friends in the first place. You are thinking that you will be without them when it's actually the other way arround. Hope everything works out...
Work towards your future, build up foundations that you can be proud of. Grades, activities, hard work and get to a place where you can feel safe since your family seems rather unhelpful towards your acceptance as a person. There is a place for yourself even if you don't feel it there is a place out there where you can live happily and openly, it may not be easy but there is a place, a reason to work hard and accomplish something that is important to you. Don't cut yourself off; there are people out there somewhere that can help you even if it means having to occasionally meet a therapist or going to a lgbt support group. There are people and places that are worth working towards; an investment in yourself is worth more than anything else. Things don't change overnight, but it's absolutely worth working towards. I didn't see this when I was younger and now it's really screwing me over, but there's always more time to work forwards. No comment, negative words or anything is worth giving up over, you can be what and who you want to be, your feelings are as real as yourself, don't give up. It's all a process, and this here can be a part; it won't be fast, it won't be easy but it will be worth it. Identity is a difficult thing, however it's also a beautiful thing to know and understand ourselves; even if it is hard to comprehend at first.
