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Have I ruined my chances?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Lewnatic, Feb 23, 2013.

  1. Lewnatic

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    There's a guy I've been seeing, and he's the most wonderful, lovely, kindest guy I've ever met. We have so much in common, and our dates went really well -void of any kind of awkward silence. We literally spoke every day on the phone or Skype, through texts or Facebook. But then something strange happened...it all stopped. Out of nowhere, he seemed distant and uninterested. I did let things flow for a few days - I thought maybe he was going through something, but I eventually asked him about it when my attempts to set up another date failed.

    I found out that it was much to do with his ex/best friend, who's father had very recently died and he wanted to be there for him. He assured me that he made it clear to his ex that he was only there as his friend, though he was quite sure his ex still loved him. I thought I was quite calm about the situation, after all someone had just died. My problem seemed so small once I learned that. He continued that, although he likes me, he can't 100% emotionally commit to me because of his ex. He doesn't want to hurt him, or lose their friendship. He told me that he doesn't want me to move on, but that I also shouldn't put my life on hold. Like an idiot, some days later, I finally cracked and said that "while I understand I shouldn't put my life on hold, I can't understand why you are." He said because they're best friends and he isn't going to leave him in a rut for anything. I apologized and stepped back, though I knew I'd pissed him off.

    I would be fine if he cut ties with me and told me it wasn't going to happen, but instead he just says things like "I like you, when it's the right time it will work...HOWEVER you shouldn't put your life on hold." It's really messing with my head, and actually intensifying my feelings for him. Last night I asked him straight if there was still a chance for us, since I knew I had pissed him off. He said "I don't know. I can't handle this pressure!" I apologized and said I could see I'm being too intense and said I'd cool it, but I also made it clear that he was messing with me and because of how little I knew about the situation, the more I was asking about it. He said he understood what I was feeling and knew it's all unfair on me, but that he can't deal with two people at once and "no one understands how hard this is on me."

    I plan to step away for a while and stay out of contact, but what should I do next? Is this fixable, or have I ruined it? Is it even my fault, or is it just an unfortunate situation?
    Even as a friend I want to stay in touch with him. I don't want to forget he exists.
     
    #1 Lewnatic, Feb 23, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2013
  2. Dublin Boy

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    I have tried to come at this from different angles & it's quite tricky, so I have put myself in your shoes & tried to be as honest as I can, personally I would understand his need to help out a friend in need, but I would also know that the best people who could help him are his family, people who are grieving for his Dad as well, unless you have lost a close family member yourself, it's hard to understand, sympathy & empathy are to different things, because it's an ex-partner & not just a friend, that's were it starts to get complicated, I personally would start to become a little jealous that my partner was spending time with his ex, it's just human nature, especially if the ex still had feelings for him, this is when the trust breaks down & the cracks start to appear, I don't think your partner is being fair asking you to put your life on hold, he needs to get his priorities right, when a family member dies, the family rally round to help each other through their grief not ex-partners who have moved on & are now in a new relationship & no it is not your fault, your partner can still be sympathetic to his ex without putting his life on hold with you!
     
  3. Lewnatic

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    Thank you for replying. The more I think about it, the more I agree with you. I wish I could approach it from that angle but I'm scared of angering him again. AGH, I don't know what to do!!!
     
  4. Kgirl

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    I was recently in a very similar situation. Stepping back and leaving a message basically saying "Sorry if I've been too intense... please get back in touch with me if and when you feel ready. I won't bother you again until you're ready" worked wonders for me. I guess it'd make or break the situation. Let him know you want to be with him (in whatever capacity you do) but that the ball is in his court to make the next move, so then you're not 'harrassing' him or whatever.
     
  5. June Cleaver

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    I think you are crazy if you continue with him. Anytime someone tells you they can't commit due to a ex. It means they are not ready for a relationship with anyone but the ex. He told you who he is directly with that statement. Trust his word! You may be a perfect package, but you are not the ex. So get ready for heartbreak ahead. That "hard on me and pressure" statement shows he is playing games with your head to keep you in the background in case the ex rejects him. Get over it and find a guy who is available without the head games is my advise. Good luck, June
     
    #5 June Cleaver, Feb 23, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2013
  6. Gravity

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    All of this, 100%.

    YOU haven't done anything wrong - from the sound of it, things were going great until this happened, so I don't think this needs to be a "what do I change for next time" situation.

    My guess, based on what you wrote in your post, is that this is his way of trying to break up with you in the nicest way possible (the difficulty of this, of course, is that it sounds like he's still interested). He's even being clear about the "two people" involved here - you, and his ex, and we know who he's spending his energy on now.

    There may not even be any "bad guys" here. I highly doubt his ex planned his father's death in order to bring the two of them back into contact, and it's hard to envy him, having lost a parent. But that's the way it's worked out, and the best thing to do might be to start accepting that he's more interested in this ex now, as sad as it may be. (*hug*)
     
  7. Aldrick

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    I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to agree with June. It seems rather clear to me that the guy still has feelings for his ex, and he's basically trying to keep you as backup in case it doesn't work out. It may not be intentional on his part, he likely feels torn. He probably genuinely likes you, which is why he feels the pressure that he does.

    You shouldn't beat yourself up. None of this is your fault, it's about him, not you.

    My advice is to first accept where you stand in the situation. You don't have to be angry at him, he can't help how he feels. Then stay friendly with him, create some distance, and then begin to see other people. If he comes around and decides that he wants to pressure the relationship further, then you can have a reassessment of the situation at the time, and then have a frank discussion with him about his ex.

    If it doesn't work out, then you might have the potential at least to have a good friend. After all, you both still have a lot in common. Putting some distance between the both of you will help with sort out your feelings, and if you meet someone else you'll find it rather easy to move on.
     
  8. Lewnatic

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    Thanks for the advice everyone, I've found it really helpful.
    Although I would like to wait to see if he contacts me, I don't think I can. I can't stop thinking about him, and I want to stop. I can't wait to hate him. How can I move on from this quickly? Right now, I'm so crazy about him, but I want so desperately to be over him.
     
  9. Perrydaplatypus

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    Personally, if someone told me to wait and then went out with Somone even as a friend, I would be slightly peeved to say the least, but ten again I guess if you truly care about him it's worth the wait!
     
  10. Lewnatic

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    I just get the impression it's me waiting now... I don't think he's interested in even talking to me by the sounds of it. I really hate it when guys do this - hide behind their phones when you ask them about it.
     
  11. Lewnatic

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    Alright, I'm sorry to double post... But I gotta move on. How can I move on? I know from experience that deleting them off Facebook or Twitter just doesn't work. The last two times I've done that, I've just ended up stalking them on it from afar...
     
  12. City

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    If you REALLY have feelings for him do NOT let him go that easy, if you truly love him he will be "that one that got away" not to be cheesy. Approach him one time and talk to him and just say "I love you and I don't want to loose you like nothing, and I'll let you handle this but I can and will wait for you if I need to". If he loves you like you love him than that will touch him deeply, you need to be true with him even if he is not being completely true with you as well, It will be hard. Since I am just a 14 year old kid obviously I am probably not going to be the best answer here but definitely be true:slight_smile:. Good Luck! But if you Honestly feel you NEED to move on, do what your gut tells you.
     
  13. Gravity

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    "Stalking" them from afar may still be better than having the impression of still being in touch by virtue of being facebook friends.

    In general, the fewer reminders of him that you keep around, the better. If you don't want to throw things out, then at least pack them away where you won't see them. If a particular place reminds you of him, don't go there for a while - set some new routines. Get out with friends whenever you can. Start a new project at work, or on your own for fun. Keeping busy is the key.
     
  14. Aldrick

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    There are only two things that I know of that can rid you of a crush. The first is time; the less time you spend with them, the easier it is to forget them. So, reducing your contact and reminders of them is one way. The other way, is to immediately throw yourself back out there. Go looking for another guy. The worst thing you can do is sit back and mope and pine over what you can't have... don't go out there looking for love. Go out there looking for someone whose company you'll enjoy.

    I know a lot of people think making yourself busy works, but in my experience it doesn't. You just keep reminding yourself that you're forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do because you're trying to avoid thinking about the guy you aren't supposed to be thinking about... "Oh shit. I just thought about him again, damn it."

    It's like someone telling you, "Don't think of an elephant." You can't avoid thinking about the elephant. So, in my opinion when you can't have what you want, look for a replacement.

    So, the best suggestion I can give you - give yourself the week to cry, mope, do whatever you have to do to express what you're feeling. However, make plans for the weekend, and get out there to meet some people.
     
  15. Poetic Star

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    I don't think you've ruined anything. This guy seems unsure of his feelings and to me it kinda sounds weird that he can't date you because of his best friend, if they're just friends.. I don't really get it. But overall, I think you deserve someone who can at least make up their minds. Also I applaud you on telling him exactly how you feel. that's really brave :slight_smile: