I don't like to put too much negativity out here, but I went down to the Gay Bar that I've been trying to frequent since coming out last night. I felt very anxious and uncomfortable. I couldn't really connect. I sat at the bar for a little while and sipped my beer, but left after about 30 mins. Guys were standing around talking and stuff, but I didn't feel right about just barging in and talking to guys that I don't know. I struggle with some BPD, so I wonder that it wasn't interfering last night. I guess some nights don't go too well for us. I'm going to go to a pot-luck event tonight with about 25 other guys. I'm hoping to fare better. Does anyone have advice to offer about being a recently outing male at a club? How do we break into the scene a little bit with some grace?
Find something you like to do so that you're more comfortable interacting. Do you like sitting in loud rooms, getting boozy, and trying to hold conversations over the noise? I'm trying to get out there as well, and gay bars are the first place my mind jumps to, too. I don't drink, I don't like loud, crowded places. It doesn't suit who I am, so I think it's a lousy decision for me to go there. I found a group of gay men who run several days per week, and I decided to try that out at the next chance I get. I'd feel comfortable because I'm exercising, and I will have something else to focus on, rather than focusing on the difficulty of striking up conversation. Just an idea.
Thanks a bunch for this. I'm working on doing some of what you're suggesting, and maybe I just place too much pressure on myself to connect. I'll see how the event tonight goes. I hope I fare a little better. Once again, thanks for the advice and God speed to you in the process, too!
Bars and clubs tend to be sort of cliquish, and people there are generally not looking for relationships. In short, generally a pretty terrible way to meet people for any sort of quality relationship, for all the reasons you described. The potluck idea is a *much* better one, because the evening is built around conversation and interaction more so than at the bar, and people are there inherently to be social. Activity-based groups, such as running or hiking clubs, game nights, and that sort of thing are also much better, as people often find it easier to first connect and relate to one another over an activity. That way they can sort of "break the ice" talking about whatever the common activity is (food, running, games, etc) and more slowly move into more personal things. Hope that helps! Keep us up-to-date
Have you considered checking out MeetUp's in your area? A lot of larger cities have LGBT MeetUp's whose sole purpose is to help introduce new LGBT people to each other. It might be a bit easier in that setting, since you won't be the only new person around, and the entire point is to get to know each other - so you're more likely to be approached. Since people have to signal whether or not they're going to the MeetUp event, you might even be able to strike up a conversation with someone prior to the MeetUp - an early ice breaker - so that when you arrive in person you'll be able to talk to at least one person there comfortably. Also, don't be afraid to be honest about what you're feeling. Just pointedly say that you've recently come out, and are feeling rather shy. Provided you're not dealing with absolute assholes (and it's actually very rare to meet an absolute asshole), they will likely go out of their way to make you feel more comfortable. Once you make one or two friends, your options open up a bit. You can split off from the larger group and do your own thing. It's always easier to do things in a group - especially new things - than doing it alone.
First of all, you went... that's a big step - congrats! Yes, its not that easy to start just talking with people. Mu suggestion, order your first drink and immediately introduce yourself to the bar tender and chat him up a while. he'll almost certainly introduce you to others around you, or if not, it'll make the convo easier. Get out your phone, ask him about gay dating apps you have (you do have some?), and that's also an easy seque to talk to the guys there, too. Or something else about your phone or apps. Believe me, somebody is always an expert. And always, always, shortly after you start talking, reach out your hand, intro yourself. Also, if you go into a bar and don't know anyone, take a gay newpaper/magazine with you. That's also a way to break the ice, talking about something in there. Its not "easy" -- if it were, a lot more guys would be there all the time. With some practice, you might well find it fun.
Thanks againg for all of the feedback - I'm grateful as hell. I went to the potluck tonight (it was an event found through a group that uses MeetUp). It was great and I enjoyed myself. I connected with 2 or 3 guys specifically and that was very positive. I also encountered 2 guys that I already know whom I didn't realize were coming to this event. Once again, I really appreciate all of the guidance and will consider all of it. Thank you for this site.
Yeah, I pretty much flopped at the first and only gay bar that I went to as well. However, as people have mentioned, the people that are hanging out at gay bars probably aren't the ones that you want to meet anyhow (and in my limited one time experience, I'll second that based on the conversation that one regular patron had with the bartender that I won't repeat here). However, then I went to an LGBT board game meetup, and felt much more comfortable, not that I play board games or anything on a regular basis before then (but that's going to change - I liked the group ALOT and felt very welcomed there. Maybe I'll pick up a new board game hobby!)
