Any ideas are appreciated!

Just love him. Why do you care what would people say - your son is way more important than what some people would say.

How old is 'normal' to realize your sexuality? Well, you can ask yourself at what age you knew you were straight. Some people "realize" it earlier, some people realize it later.
How do you know for sure? Ask yourself how do you know that you're straight. You just know, right?
How do you deal with small minded people? Don't care what people say or think. Be there for your kid and make sure he knows he's loved and that there's nothing wrong with him.
And he asks 'how do you find a boyfriend?'. Just tell him what you think would be appropriate.

Love your kid - show him that you love him, tell him that you love him. It's really important. Don't ask him to do certain things that would make him appear less gay to other people. Don't make him feel ashamed.

I adore my son and want him to grow into the gorgeous, confident, grounded man I know he can. To do so, I want to be a good mom!
That's really sweet. I'm sure you're a good mom.

(*hug*)

 

I can't really add anything to what Chip has said, but I want to add that your son is really lucky to have such an awesome mom.

 

All the appropriate advice has been given already, but wow 10 years old. I definitely noticed something back then, but I would have never have come to the realisation that I was gay. Really shows how society is changing for the better.

Lastly, I must agree with the rest of posters - he is so lucky to have a mother like you. As long as he knows you're there for him when he's sure, he'll work everything out himself.

 

Welcome to EC, we are glad to have you =)
Your son is VERY lucky to have you as his mother.

I really didn't know I was gay until I was 13/14 , but then went in to a really bad denial about it about 19/20 is when I came out to myself.


How did I know? Well when you and out and about and you see people and you are only looking at the cute guys that was a big red sign.


How do you deal with small minded people? I live in a small town about 1500 people so I know all about small town living. It was hard for me but I just really let them say whatever they wanted, but know that I'm older I just tell the to go **** themselves.

also look in to see if you have a pflag (Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) near you.
once again you are a wonderful mother.

If you or your son have any questions fell free to ask i'll help as best as I can.

 

Just to throw my 2c in here...

Needing to look stuff up, and doing it as an activity with your son needn't be a 'bug', it could actually be a 'feature'. Finding out together can be a bonding experience for you both and also puts you in a position to be able to explain or discuss things with him that he may think of as a result of finding the answer to the original question. In addition, it gives you the chance to be there to discuss some of the less positive things that can sometimes come up on google search. Not talking porn here (or just porn) but rather various articles, editorials, and websites produced by the small minded people you mentioned that will seek to tell him there is something wrong with him or that he should be ashamed of what he is or should change.

Both in terms of his self-esteem and in learning that such views exist and how to address them, it could be very helpful to have you available. As an added bonus, learning how to do a solid internet search can have educational benefits down the line as he starts doing school projects that call for it. Assuming he isn't already, of course

In some cases, you may want to do a search or learn about something beforehand and then guide him to finding the relevant (and appropriate) information when he finally asks about it.

Ultimately he will hit an age where he just wants to find out stuff himself, but the above might be a start. Just a thought.

As everyone else has said, you are a great mom for being so supportive of your son and looking out for him as you are doing.

Hope this helps,

Todd

 

Hi!
It's totally normal for your husband to go through a grieving process in accepting your son's sexuality, and being resistant to the idea at first is part of that. Read that article I linked to for more information about that.

Regarding how you know for sure: you know by your feelings. There is nothing else other than your feelings, your feelings are the whole thing.

When I was your son's age, I didn't know I was gay. But I could have known, and in a perfect world, I would have known, based on my feelings. All the girls in my class were CRAZY for the New Kids On The Block, and I thought it was the MOST BORING THING EVER. Instead, I became obsessed with a series of books about a girl who disguises herself as a boy in order to enter knight training. The third book is called The Woman Who Rides Like A Man. This provides a very clear insight into my sexual orientation--that's a reasonably accurate description of every person I've ever really been attracted to.

Interests at that age are relatively innocent, but they still reflect a person's sexual orientation. For some reason, straight people often think that homosexuality is inherently less innocent than heterosexuality, but that really isn't the case. It starts out with the same kinds of feelings from childhood, the only difference is who the feelings are directed at. (Your husband may think your son couldn't know if he's gay partly because he thinks that being gay is necessarily about having blatant, graphic sexual thoughts, in a way that heterosexuality isn't.)

One thing I want to make really clear: no actual sexual experience is necessary to "know for sure." Your son's feelings are enough. Very often, young people are asked, "how do you know if you've never tried it?"

This is a terrible mistake. It leads them to have sex with random people they are not attracted to, on the premise that they can't know if they are attracted to them without actually having sex. This is dangerous for obvious reasons, and often just makes them more confused. I am willing to wager that you knew you were attracted to your husband before having sex with him. That is the normal way that it works. So, don't let anyone, including your husband, give your son the idea that he needs to have some kind of experience to "make sure" or to prove something. He doesn't. His feelings are real, and they are enough.

I also want to say something about coming out. You are right that some people might be cruel to your son if he comes out. He might lose friends. But if he doesn't come out, at least to some people, he will forever be wondering whether his friends would be his friends, if they knew the truth. That is awful for relationships, and for his social development. If he comes out, the friends he has will be people who accept him for who he is. People who love who he really is, and not just someone he's pretending to be, in order to be acceptable.

Consider how much of peer bonding at that age is about sharing their experiences--I mean, starting at that age, I know that pretty much all girls want to talk about is boys. And I'm pretty sure boys start doing the same thing, in their own way. I don't know how to explain how isolating it is, to be excluded from that. Understand that people are likely to ask him who he has crushes on, and things like that, and so, you aren't just asking him to not say anything--he'll have to actually lie, when asked directly. He'll have to lie, about something that is basic to who he is.

I don't think you should push your son to come out, but I do think you should be supportive of him telling people when he feels safe to, and when he is ready. His friendships with people will all seem false, if he is keeping this a secret.

You really are a great mom, to have accepted and loved your son so easily.

 

I think you are doing a great job so far! Keeping an open line of communication is so key in making healthy relationships not just between you and your children, but as an echo/footprint that all their future relationships will be based on and effected by. Being accepted by your family is paramount to your self image as you grow up. Living in a small town I imagine he may have to deal with issues down the line. I think it might be a good idea if he had a place that he can go to discuss with people that are in the same position, such as an online community like this. A place to air frustrations and questions that is safe and yet still connected. (Im not sure if there is an age limitation on this site though so you would have to look in to that.) I just know that having a good online community has made a big difference to me in hard times, even though I might never know any of the people face to face. This could also give him first hand advice and communication that he would otherwise be lacking. I suppose this is the extent of the advice I can offer, but I think you are doing a wonderful job in all your open mindedness and support and love. Keep it up!

 

Just wanting to be another voice to say;

You are doing so amazingly. Your son is lucky, and you are being a wonderful mother. Your children seem surprisingly mature and aware, which I think is great. I think the chances of your children growing up to be well-adjusted and confident is very high, because of your efforts. I am impressed by their maturity.

I do think you ought to give your husband a little time, and don`t react negatively to him needing more adjustment time. It can be difficult for parents to accept things like this, it does not mean he`s a bad father, or a bad person. We handle things differently. As long as he`s not saying negative stuff about LGBT topics near your son, or get angry when the subject is brought up, then I would let him adjust in his own tempo

 

Can I just say what am awesome Mom you are?
You deserve an award : )

On how to react to this, I would say use him as YOUR guide. You have a very smart kid! And regarding other people, I would empower him with confidence and tell him while some people may not approve, it's because they haven't yet learned, and you can teach them being gay is ok by being a very nice person. Until he's older (12ish), I don't think it needs to be any more complicated than that. For the pain that may follow from un-accepting people, I love this quote from The Help: 'You is kind. You is smart. You is important.', I would change the "is's" to "are's" and get it printed out on paper in a design he likes and put it on his wall. Every night go over it with him before he hops in bed, and remind him of it on the hard days.

 

Something I had wanted to mention, but I forgot with all the other stuff I mentioned, is to read from the blogger Amelia on Huffington Post, about her son who came out when he was seven.

 

17/18??? Really?

Is that when your husband first became attracted to women? :roflmao:

Seriously though, your husband is still a little in denial. As your son continues to be gay over the next several years, I think it's pretty unlikely that it will take him all the way until 17 to move out of denial.

You should prepare yourself for the rest of the grieving process in advance, because stronger denial can sometimes be an indicator that the rest of the process will also be kind of intense (but not always). But I linked to an article about that in post #9 above.


WAIT, are you saying you always wondered about your HUSBAND'S sexuality?

 

Oh.

Why is that? Is it causing any problems? Do you fear that your husband isn't satisfied in your marriage? Are there sexual problems?

We do think there is a genetic component. So family members of gay people are more likely to be gay than the general population.

What has made you wonder about your husband's sexuality?