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trying to sort out emotional vs. physical attractions

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by afraidtomove, Feb 23, 2013.

  1. afraidtomove

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    i am a female, who doesn't identify with being gay. I have had 1 relationship with another woman once many years ago and it wasn't out. since then, i have had multiple physical interactions with men. i like sex with men. I haven't been with a woman since that one relationship.

    i do however have much stronger emotional attractions to women and find that i almost never have an emotional attraction to a man.

    what does all of that mean?
     
  2. Caudex

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    I sometimes feel similarly (the opposite way, of course), but I'm as much in the dark as you…
     
  3. Skhal

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    Well if you are looking for a label, it would seem as though you are homoromantic bisexual (i think im not exactly an expert) but here where I am supposed to say that labels don't matter and just follow your heart. Unfortunately I am not very well versed in things like this so I'm afraid an ambigous "follw your heart" is all i can offer lol. But if it is any consolation i am sure everything will be fine in the end and i am sure someone else will give you better advice than what i have said.
     
  4. catmistress

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    Do you enjoy sex with women as well? I know you mentioned being in a relationship with a women many years ago but did you also enjoy having sex with her?
    If so, you could possibly be a homoromantic bisexual.

    I wish you the best in your quest to find happiness!
     
  5. afraidtomove

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    at the time i was in a relationship with that woman i did enjoy the sex, but i was also very much in love with her, which came first and she initialted the sex part as at that time it wasnt anything i had done yet. i was not sure at first, but i did like it, however, even after that relationship, continued to enjoy sex with men, yet never fell in love with men..............enjoyed their sex but never emotionally connected.
     
  6. pinklov3ly

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    You could be homoflexible like, moi. I absolutely hate that term, but it best describes me. Or heteroflexible, where you're more attracted to men, but occasionally to women, especially since it's been so long. Unless you've been denying your feelings for women all this time, which takes me back to my first suggestion. After all you're the only one who can label yourself.
     
  7. afraidtomove

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    I seem to "click" better with females - almost all of my best friendships start out as a crush and then just turn into just freinds. By crush I mean i cant get them out of my mind all day long. I would be with the 24/7 if i could. They make me all warm and fuzzy inside. These crushes usually end when someone new is introduced into the mix, hence causing a new crush and the previous crush would just then become a great freind (no more crush).......its a crazy cycle.

    i hang out more with unattached females who are not gay - at least i dont think they are (my one best friend hasnt had a boyfriend in decades) - her and I get along really well, talk to each other at least an hour a day on the phone - but nothing physical. it wasnt until this last friend, who really got me, did i start questioning things.

    however, if one of my guy (friend with benefits) would call to hang out (which would end in sex) i would go and do so. but no emotional strings. A good male friend of mine (we've been messing around for 20 years now, maybe 1x - 2x a year) is married, and i dont care. We mess around and he goes home to his wife. I get sex and then i'm happy. But I crush on my female freind, wouldn't tell her about the guy because I would feel like i cheated. weird stuff.
     
  8. Perrydaplatypus

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    So I'm just slightly confused, do you enjoy sex with women too, just not as much as you enjoy it with a man? Maybe some of the sexual interactions you had with women were with inexperienced people?
     
  9. afraidtomove

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    I only had sex with one woman - our relationship was for almost 4 years - but i was younger (in my 20s) and we were both heavy drinkers.

    now in my late 40s and been sober for over a decade.......its been almost 20 years since i have been with a woman and have slept with many men since.

    I prefer sex with a man, but I never emotional connect with them. I have a crush now on a woman friend of mine, and if she were interested (which she's not) i might extend myself to try it again. But as far as just wanting to have sexual relations, it's usually men i would perfer with.

    It's the women though I get emotionally tuned in with.
     
  10. newgirl31

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    I am new to coming out so prob not the best advice giver...but it sounds like you aren't letting yourself be fulfilled with women the way you desire and so this friend is your way of trying to fulfill the sex part while your female friends are what is fulfilling everything else.

    For me I sort of think I only enjoyed sex w guys because it felt like I was getting some power out of it. It was like this performance I knew I was pretty good at and it felt powerful knowing I could please someone. It was exciting but it didn't feel fulfilling. I would feel disconnected and now I am seeing how my attraction to women, even my "straight" female friends it just feels like it is powerful in a different way. Until I decided to be my true self and go out and look for women who were in fact comfortable and more open that they too are attracted emotionally and physically to women...I think I too was looking for more than I could find in my female relationships.

    I think when I have relationships with women it will be more than that..I will feel connected physically, mentally and emotionally.
     
    #10 newgirl31, Feb 24, 2013
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  11. afraidtomove

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    not sure your on point newgirl31 - but i appreciate your input :slight_smile:
     
  12. newgirl31

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    Oh, sorry! :icon_redf

    I tend to just share stuff about myself that might relate...might not.

    Just want you to find happiness and fulfillment.

    I got the feeling the guy you were hooking up with was fulfilling something (which my situations w friends w benefits or even hetero relationships always were about that power I was talking about having over pleasing them or performing well). The fact that he is married I though might even add to the power you felt getting a guy that is already attached. And just thought maybe you were wondering why you were drawn to him when the females in your life you were connected to emotionally.

    Some people are homoromantic bisexual so could just be that. In my situation it was also hard to see what was what during my active addiction to alcohol and pot. So awesome you are sober too! I have 17 months of sobriety so I am a baby in that respect too! :wink:
     
  13. afraidtomove

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    The guy i have been hooking up with for years is truly a very good friend - probably one of the few guys i had any sort of emotional attachment with. We worked together and just so happened he was always dating (now married) to this other girl. But the attachment is not so much that i ever felt the need to FIGHT for the relationship. I enjoy being with him and i like the sex. Doesnt really have much to do with power.

    17 months is big - good for you...........i have a little over 13 years - and it does get better and better each day :slight_smile:
     
  14. 4AllEternity

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    I understand the feeling. Although I am bisexual in the entire sense of the word, I usually feel more romantic attraction to guys. I think that feeling stems from me feeling more comfortable around boys. I've always felt pressured to perform when I had a crush on a girl, and that pressure usually caused my feelings to disappear pretty quickly.

    I think many bisexuals often feel an affinity more for their own gender than the opposite, since we're so used to relationships with our own gender. I never find talking to an attractive guy difficult, since we often have at least something in common. In western society the genders tend to be so different. That's not to say that interests are exclusive, I've met a lot of girls that share interests with me, but it's always still easier to just get to know guys. I guess it's because I don't really like just leaping into a relationship, I prefer to be friends first.
     
  15. newgirl31

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    13 years woohoo!

    Yeah, I am so new. I only dated or hooked up with guys. I lived in NYC and LA and it was so common for my female friends to be single so I just thought I was focusing on my career and hanging out and it was fine. But it was hard to have some emotional attraction (and secret denial-laden physical attraction) to them. I had guy friends who I felt comfortable just being "one of guys with" but when they went off with their girlfriends I felt really alone. I used alcohol as my girlfriend/boyfriend I now see...going home to it, partnering up at social events.

    Now I am really trying to find additional friends who are female and bisexual or lesbian and out so I can comfortably and safely explore my needs. Since bars and parties are not safe for me and my new sobriety I was talking to people on here about ways to meet. I value my current friendships but I deserve to find an additional set of friends that can understand my attraction...and safely inspire attraction :wink:. I am just tired of guessing or hoping girls are lesbian or bisexual so it is taking getting out of my comfort zone.

    Again, all this is my experience so might not be of any help or reaction to what you want or are going through!