Hi, all- I'm supposedly starting hormones in two days, and the closer I get to my first T shot, the more nervous I get about whether or not I'm doing the right thing. Last month I would have cut off several fingers if it meant transitioning would happen faster, but now it's actually here I'm freaking out about basically everything. I really worry that transitioning is not going to help me, or even worse, that I'm using it as a way to escape from myself rather than to address my issues. I used to have such a sense of surety about transitioning which I no longer have and I don't know why I've lost that certainty. Does anyone have experience with similar doubts about transitioning? Is this normal? I don't mean for this to sound needy but I could really use some advice.
Hi! I think we all go through that a lot. I had some what am I doing moments yesterday. I go through all my memories - yup, still got caught en femme by my little brother when I was 15, yup, still has nothing but female friends until 3rd grade - but the doubts are still there. I even had to talk them out with someone in PM not too long ago. I don't know if it'll work for you, but what I've found works for me is just let to them run their course. I think "okay, I can still say no. Let's imagine just going back to the way things were". That usually does the trick after a little while. I remember what brought me to this point. None of those things went away when I got nervous. And I know I'll end up right back here again. It's a huge step for you though! It sounds to me like that's what changed. I mean it's one thing to talk about it and imagine what it would be like. But it's way different when something is for sure going to happen tomorrow. I'll probably be nervous too. Let us know how it goes for you? Good luck!
If you are not 100% sure (and I'm talking 100 freaking percent, no doubt about it, rip roaring and ready to go) then give yourself extra time to think about it. You need to step out on this path with assuredness, confidence, resolve, and downright EXCITEMENT! If you are not sure that this is what you want, then take some time to discuss those feelings with your therapist. This is not something you can just step back from once the ball is rolling. I have witnessed firsthand the powerful effects testosterone can have on the body and mind, and you have to be looking forward to those effects in order to truly take comfort and reprieve in their development. If this is what you want, then there's no more looking back.
I had some fears once I was actually holding the medicine just thinking that it would be hard to go back once I start. Even after I started taking them, in the second or third week of taking them I wondered if it was the right thing for me or if something else about myself needed to be dealt with. I did stick with it and am very happy I did, it's not the sort of thing that makes everything better but I know for me it's been well worth it. I think those thoughts aren't unusual, though I know for me it felt like no one ever wanted to hear any doubt and so I never spoke about it. And I know it's a stressful stressful time for you but whether you take the T or not I think it's okay to be having those thoughts. It's an important decision to/not do HRT and it's understandable that thoughts like that cross your mind imo.
First I have to say I don't really have experience with what you are going through - hormone treatment. I do however have experience with running away from issues. Sit down and write a list of all the things you dislike in other people. Write until you cannot think of anything else. Then write a list of qualities you want in a partner. Do this until you cannot think of anything else. When you are totally finished, and only then, look back over the lists with new eyes. The list of things you dislike in other people is the list of things you deny in yourself. When you deny things in yourself, they control you and tend to come out in destructive ways. This is your shadow side, which is something you can read up about how to work on healing. The other list is a list of qualities which you should look at as things to cultivate in your life so that you are also able to offer them to your partner. This little exercise is a good way to become aware of some of the things you are denying in yourself and begin work on healing and repairing. It might also give you a good idea of how much you are running away from and whether it is a good idea to begin this treatment. Without knowing anything about you though, I would say trust your gut instinct above all else and don't beat yourself up, you are very young with plenty of time to explore who you are. Take your time and enjoy the ride!
What really helped me in a moment of doubt was trying to imagine myself middle-aged or older. Maybe you should try it. Can you imagine yourself being a mature woman? Can you imagine going through menopause? When looking at an elderly couple in a TV commercial, would you rather look like the grandma or the grandpa? Trying to see the bigger picture on the changes rather than focusing on the here and now can really help. If you're really confused, then I second DhammaGamer's opinion. Testosterone works very efficiently and its effects might be hard to reverse if you change your mind later. You mentioned some issues you need to address. Maybe you should talk with a therapist about it? I just read your post again and now I'm the one who's confused ;d Are you having doubts about the whole transition thing or only about medication?
I had very similar doubts. I was lying in bed about to back out out of fear. Then I thought about living the rest of my life always wondering and feeling unhappy like I've always been, and I decided that if I didn't do it I would rather not live. That kind of made my decision for me.
You know I think I like the way DhammaGamer said it better. I think I came across like I was encouraging you to go for it. You can still say no right now, and if you need more time, maybe you should. You have doubts and you're gonna want to let them in and deal with them one way or the other. They'll only get stronger if you ignore them. You control what's happening. You can always reschedule an appointment later. And what everyone else said about where you wanna be in 10 years.
I'll probably be the same in 2-3 months, but it's just fear of the unknown. Embrace the excitement! It'll fade once you get used to it. I want to relish the fear.
Hi everyone- Thanks very much for the advice. I have everything in place for hormone therapy but talked with my doctor and basically I'll call when I'm ready. Tbh really regretting not just saying I was ready today and feeling pretty regretful that I didn't "push through" and insist on starting today. Part of the problem with using the visualization strategy of "ten years down the road", at least for me, is that I'm so utterly depressed I can't visualize a month from now, let alone ten years :-( Basically I'm going off the assumption that the way I feel now is not acceptable to me and is not acceptable to continue in.
I dont really have any input but i just wanna say i feel exactly the same. Like i know im trans, and know 100 per cent i want to be a man and have always wanted me appoitments to come quicker so i can get T quicker. But now that i have my gender therpy referals im bricking it, and putting off making imporant phone calls about it. Im questioning if it will make me feel better or just make other parts of dysphoria and my confidence worse. I guess its just the fear, or doing something and not totally knowing the results.
When I started I was scared I was making the wrong decision, but I knew I couldn't live with myself if I said no. I totally relate to knowing that I can't keep going the rest of my life always wondering what could have been, so I jumped in.
