So, I have been with my GF for a little over 4 months now, and if one thing is becoming more clear, it`s my commitment issues and my need for alone-time as a problem. I have done a lot of dating in my life thus far, a lot of sex as well, but relationships? Had one, with a man, that lasted for 6 wasted months, before I realized what side of the fence I should be playing on. And now I am trying to make this relationship with my GF work, but I am experiencing some issues. She is wonderful, sweet and not demanding compared to a lot of other women out there, if I am to be fair. But I am struggling a little. It`s the small things, like for example when I tell her she won`t be able to reach me for the evening, and that I won`t be checking my phone, and she sends me several SMS anyways. Or when we spend the evening/night together, and she calls me already on the same afternoon. Or, like this week-end, she suggested I`d come over and have breakfast with her before we go to the cinema. Or, when I go home to visit the family for the week-end, and tell her I am going to be pretty busy, and only have 2 days to spend time with them, before there`s 3 weeks until I get to see them next time. I have a lot of siblings, who all require time, so my week-ends home are always pretty intense. She`ll still send me messages, and has made it clear she expects a couple back, even suggest that I call her. It`s tough for me, because I am not used to constantly planning my weeks and my time after the time-schedule of another person. It`s also tough for me when I really feel like going home and rest on the couch because I am tired after work, but then I am expected to go to her place, and be all romantic and peppy and full of energy for sex and romance. I know this is my problem, not hers, and that I have to adapt to this, which I am doing. Sometimes I cannot quite stop my frustration from dampening the mood though. With everything I do, I feel like I have to ask permission, or inform her about it, or have excuses. For example, going to my sister to play X box games. I cannot simply say that I really feel like going over there to play some, because it`s fun, I end up saying that I spend so much time over there because my sister does not have friends (which is actually true), to which my GF starts planning ways of fixing that, instead of simply acknowledging it. And now she brought up the topic of how it would be to live with me, and I smiled, but inside I panicked completely :icon_redf I do love spending time with her, but in moderate doses. I like sleeping in the same bed as her, but not every night, as sometimes it`s really nice to just sleep alone. Maybe I am a bit immature romantically, or relationship-wise. It`s like I know the theory, and I can execute it, but the thought of spending 24/7 with another person for prolonged time, it scares the crap out of me. And I really do need time every once in a while where I can just relax in my own company, in a quiet apartment At the same time, I end up being more social than I find comfortable, because I don`t want to be a bad GF, I want to "do a good job". And I love romance and playtime. I just struggle with adjusting into being the other half in a relationship of 2. Anyone else been in, or have thoughts about the situation? Is this very uncommon? Are we all built to be perfect other halves? And a random other question, if she gets 3 days and 3 nights a week, and I have 3 days with friends/my sister, and one day for alone-time for me, does that sound fair? It seems fair in my head, but my head is a bit weird and I know my GF wants more time together
I've thought a lot about this, about the need for solitude. For starters, constant togetherness interferes with basic physical needs, e.g. it's been demonstrated scientifically that people who sleep in the same bed get less sleep than those who sleep alone, and sometimes there is less time for exercise, etc. More to the point, there are personal growth needs that aren't met when there is no time to develop some new interests, learning or even an enjoyable hobby. The staleness that comes from constant togetherness is primarily because each partner doesn't have the time to bring something new to the relationship. I sense you are trying to live up to an ideal, "the perfect relationship", the shoulds and the oughts can really confuse us. Yes, there can be too much separateness, it's an art to balance togetherness and alone-time. Interestingly, orthodox Jewish marriages have built-in times (menses) where the husband and wife are separate (not that I advocate this as a commandment, but there is wisdom in it). There is a rhythm to a relationship, it is an art to balance both the need to be intimate and the need for solitude. Most people can't stand solitude, it's a shame because growth is impossible without it (Thoreau said that "a man, whether working or thinking, is always alone"). Arthur Rimbaud, the poet, said something to the effect that although there is love between two people, there should be a "love of the spaces between us"
it doesnt seem you have commitment issues at all, its only been 4 months after all. everyone is different in relationships. i am exactly the same, coincidentally though ive only ever had long distance relationships....well relationships out of my town anyways. i do it purposely for the reasons that they cant then be like 'come over youre only 5 mins down the road' or w/e. i really like spending time alone, maybe because im an only child... but idk. like you the thought of actually ever moving in with someone and living 24/7 together creeps me out and idk if ill be able to hack it. you seem to be putting the blame on yourself, but really it seems both ways. you also seem to be intent on doing ever so much for her. relationships are weird, feelings change after time. after 10 months ish your feelings will prob change. sometimes you want to be with them 24/7, sometimes you dont want to be near them, sometimes you really miss them, sometimes youre okay. its just the way things go. you havent said her job or anything but if youre both independent then you both should be able to understand that youre both working and that tires people out. schedule at least 2 days alone time for yourself maybe, if you need a little more thats ok. and then the rest filled with whatever. you dont have to spend a lot of time together just because youre in a relationship, she seems to want to spend a lot of time together but you want to be alone, its about making the time when its okay for the both of you. just cuz she might have nothing on and youve just finished work doesnt mean you have to go and see her lol. you can do different things and spend different amounts of time together, maybe sometimes you can just have a quick catch up over your lunch breaks, go out for lunch (if poss). sometimes you could just go out for dinner one evening. or even go to the cinema. sometimes you could see her twice a week, then three times, then none for 2 weeks, then once a week, then 4 times a week. it doesnt have to be a set routine or amount of time spent together aslong as you communicate well and the times are convient for both of you. communicating doesnt have to be every day. communicate when its okay too. some people can go 3 days without talking to their s/o some none. everyone is different. you could text her in the morning like 'oh im off to work, got lots on for x days speak to you on (2 days time)' and maybe one night inbetween those days you could just give her a quick text letting her know youre thinking of her or something. that way youll have much more to talk about when you see each other/catch up. she seems pretty needy of communication with you though, even when youve flat out told her youre busy. if you havent spoken to her about this please do, i know its not easy though. just tell her what youve told us. (*hug*) start trying to be honest with her about what you want to do with your sister e.t.c its OKAY to say to your gf, im gunna go to my sisters for an hour to play xbox, ill call you tonight. thats OKAY. you can go to your sis for an hour or two then go home and have alone time. then call your gf when youre about to go to bed. communicate communicate communicate. sorry if this doesnt help or make any sense at all lol.
Hmm. Various thoughts here... a) It's normal for people in a new relationship to want to spend a lot of time around each other or in communication. It's also normal for that feeling to fade over time to the point where you are sufficiently comfortable with each other to not be overly bothered if you don't see or talk to each other for a bit (what timeframe = 'a bit' can vary from person to person however). b) It seems reasonable that different people will have different definitions or comfort levels for how long the period of 'can't bear to be out of touch/apart' lasts. Perhaps you and your GF simply operate on different scales here? c) Modern communication technology has unfortunately created a situation in which because people can communicate constantly many feel they must communicate constantly. In addition, recent studies seem to indicate that for many/most people the act of getting a text message actually triggers a burst of endorphin in the brain/body that is somewhat addictive. In other words when you see people who can't seem to stop texting no matter what, they are (in a sense) getting high. Does your GF constantly stay in touch with everyone or is it just you? d) Alone time is an important need in any relationship. I love my partner dearly, but due to work schedules and such there are long periods where he may be home when I leave and home when I get home and basically around all the time to the point where I start looking forward to the times when he's gone for an entire day or two. Then again, if he's gone for weeks at a time, I may enjoy the alone time for the first week or two but by around week 3 or 4 I'm totally over it and can't wait for him to get home. It isn't commented on much, but a lot of straight relationships have the idea of 'alone time' somewhat baked in. Whether it's the idea of a 'study', a workshop/craft room, or a mancave, or the idea of 'girls/guys night out', there are often a fair number of accepted options for letting even spouses get away from each other for a bit. e) Communication is key - Have you and your GF actually sat down and had a serious talk in which you've explained your need for some alone time? Have you talked about you being tired after work and wanting to rest up so you can have more energy to make your time together as much fun as possible? Obviously you don't want to hurt her feelings, but this sort of stuff isn't usually something that people just magically work out either and so some sort of discussion may be needed. f) Finally, (and on the flip side of the coin) being part of a relationship and having another person in your life likely means a certain amount of change in the routines you are used to. So some degree of compromise seems likely to have to develop. Maybe you don't get as much alone time as you might want, or have to develop the habit of periodically checking in with your GF via text, while she has to learn to accept that you aren't going to spend every waking minute together or that things like commitments to work or family mean that your time together will require a certain amount of planning and schedule management. Anyway, just some thoughts, Todd
Yeah, I guess I do try to live up to an ideal, because I am a bit of a perfectionist. I have possible reached an impasse in where my wish to excel in this somewhat new role for me as a girlfriend collides with that part of me that seems to gather energy the best when I am simply puzzling with something alone, in a quiet corner of the world. I feel like I suddenly have to be more than I actually have room for. It is possible I would make an excellent Jew ---------- Post added 24th Feb 2013 at 02:34 PM ---------- I have a full time job, she`s an unemployed student, without siblings, hence has a lot more spare-time than me. I also am getting the feeling she is spending quite a lot less time with her friends, and has been since she got together with me. I have gone a week without seeing her a few times, and it almost always ends up in a near argument, where she`ll say things like "Time moves so slowly when you`re not around" and "I miss you so much it hurts", and I`ll feel a bit guilty over it, even though at those times it has usually been because I go home for vacation with my family. She also does not seem to understand that time doesn`t go that slowly for me, but I think there`s a difference there in how we handle separation, because I`ll miss her after a week and a half, but it doesn`t hurt me to not see her in that time. That`s another thing I sometimes feel like I should feel guilty about. I have a friend, who I see only 3-4 times a year, and I only see my family every third week, so I am kind of used to long separation periods. She`s not. After 3 days she starts feeling bad. And although I try to be understanding, a lot of the fights have occurred, because I come home after a week away, and am looking forward to see her, but can`t the very same afternoon that I come home (I am always exhausted after the traveling and the intense visits at my family`s) and she`ll say something about being disappointed, and sound irritated, and I`ll get irritated because it`s not a good feeling when you see each other again after a separation period, and you`re met with disappointment and annoyance. And I have told her all of this. We have talked over it several times. She is trying to be a bit more patient, but I am still having this constant feeling she is stretching the line, to try and change me. She says she respects that I`ll be busy and won`t be able to text her that evening, and she`ll still send messages during the evening, making me feel stressed when I look at the phone. So I am telling her exactly what I say here, but it doesn`t seem to help all that much. And it makes it worse when I am feeling a constant confusion regarding whether I should blame her at all, whether it might actually be me who`s a bit odd. It takes two to tango, so I am trying to take my fair share of the responsibility, I am just finding it hard to stretch between work, my GF, my sister and myself. It does make a lot of sense (*hug*) And I agree with you. I have told her I get anxious about these things, and that I have a big need for some alone energy gathering time every once in a while. And she has said that I can just tell her when I need time to myself, but then she gets that sad face, and speaks in a sad tone of voice whenever I try to say that I need a night off, that often I end up giving in and going over there, even when I am not actually feeling up for it. At the same time, I do love being with her, and I enjoy being in a relationship. I just have to adjust to it a bit, I think. Quite a bit. And don`t get me started on phone calls. She has said that on the nights where we are tired and can`t meet up, we can talk on the phone instead. I absolutely hate long phone-calls. My mother always makes them way too long, and my GF also loves talking on the phone. I`ve never been the girl to talk a lot on the phone, or text a lot. So, an hour and a half of talking on the phone is really tiresome, not to mention expensive :lol: I have suggested Facebook, because I have a lot easier time with typing than I have with holding and talking in a phone. Typing goes pretty automatically for me, it`s not an effort. But she says she prefers it when she can hear my voice.
Lol, we have kind of been like this since the beginning :lol: I haven`t suddenly began wanting more alone-time, it`s simply more the way I am. I get drained from social interaction, and I regain energy when I have some solitude and do activities on my own. Except with my siblings, but there I have a different role, one I have been in all my life, and which I am very comfortable with. I am good at being a big sister, I am not so good with being a friend and girlfriend. She is very active texting with friends, but she is seeing them a lot less since she got together with me. She even quit her job, to have more time (for studying she says), so now she usually suggest we get together on the days she used to work. I have talked a lot with her about it, to the point where I`ll start a conversation about it, and she`ll fill "my lines out", as she seems to think of them. I am though not sure she actually understands/accepts it, but that`s not something I can delicately ask her about, and get an honest and un-upset response. I haven`t said that I don`t appreciate it if she messages me a lot when I tell her in advance that I won`t be available, because I can`t find a way to say that without hurting her feelings. But truth is, when I am unavailable, and those messages tick in, like when I am having alone-time relaxing in front of the computer, it actually stresses me. The phone-sound stresses me, and if I turn it off, it will still light up, and I`ll experience a feeling that I should be somewhere, doing something, and I end up unable to relax properly. We might have to have a follow up discussion on it, but I am really unsure how to phrase myself in a good way. I mean, how do you say, please don`t text me when we`re having a separate evening, in a nice way? It`s not like she can`t text me, ever, I always send her good night messages, and sometimes good morning messages. Yeah, she suggested that we`d plan our week at the beginning of each week, and here`s where my commitment anxieties come into play. The thought of scheduling my weeks with her stresses me in a few ways. A) She gets really upset if I can`t show when we`ve agreed to. If something happens, and I cannot show up, she`ll be disappointed and upset. This has happened. Because I cannot guarantee that nothing will come up, I know that I`ll risk ending up in a bugle. B) I am already scheduling like crazy, to get enough days for her, a few in for my sister and me, more schedules and written up, I feel stressed just thinking about it. C) I am really disliking the thought of determining exactly how my week is going to be, before I actually know how my week is going to be. Like, say on Wednesday I have a dreadful day at work, ends up with a headache, and really need to just go home and die on the couch, but I can`t because the calender says GF- SEX. Then I`ve committed myself to go there, and be charming and entertaining, despite how I feel or my energy levels. I might be simply over-complicating it, and I guess a part of me is fighting a bit against this concept of my schedule being decided by a third person. I am feeling like my freedom is out of the window, and chains are locked around my feet. Which is ridiculous and over-dramatic, I know :dry:
