Have I always been gay and the last to know?

Sigh....so here it is...So I finally found the courage to admit to myself I may not be 100% straight.


Background (Just in case you were curious):
I was born and raised in California to two loving and supporting parents. Growing up I noticed I always wanted attention from attractive girls. As a child and an adolescent I always thought I just wanted these girls to like me and accept me into their group, but looking back now maybe it was more than that. From my early years till I middle school I didn't think much of my thoughts about liking girls or my sexuality, I mean I had crushes on BOYS. Sure, I was a little of a tomboy as a little girl but that soon stopped going into middle school and skirts, makeup, and jewelry starting filling up my closet. Life was good in middle school I was one of the popular girls, well liked by everyone, stayed closed to childhood friends and met one of my best friends up to this date. If you asked me then about my sexual orientation I would say 100% straight. At that age I was infatuated with
boys, male singers, and celebrities.

Soon my happy little life changed as my family relocated to of all places Dallas, Texas. This had to be the most polar opposite of my childhood home. This place was different, the people were different, and I didn't like this change. As I started my first year of high school I tried to re-gain my as much as my old life as I could. Slowly but surely I started making friends and even dated a few boys but it never seemed to work out. As high school went on I found myself envying other girl's attractiveness, which was supposed to be a normal thing in high school, right? However, what didn't seem normal to me was being flustered or nervous when an attractive girl talked or touched me. I guess, I pushed these thoughts behind my head and moved on since I wasn't the most emotionally stable person during my second half of high school. During this time my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and most of my thoughts and energy went into thinking or not thinking about it. It was also during this time that some of these girls I was becoming flustered by starting flirting with me and I don't mean being sweet or nice like your sister. I even got asked out on a date by this beautiful girl once and received an offer to make out with her too but I declined stating I wasn't gay but still wanted to be friends. I must say a part of me wanted to say yes. I was surprised she even liked me, I wasn't the most drop dead gorgeous girl at the school but I was still cute but she was def. 9 on a scale 1-10. Maybe it was the whole I looked innocent thing, or maybe she thought she could turn a straight girl gay.


Fast forwarding to senior year I was happy to finish school and with good memories and most importantly my mom was heading towards a full recovery. Prior to the beginning of my freshman year of college my boyfriend of almost one year broke up with me and for a while it felt like "the end of the world" but I made it through. During college I would turn to porn, straight porn, on lonely nights. Fast forward again I finished my undergraduate degree and was on my way to grad school...


And so the real story begins....
A little bit over a year ago I finally lost my virginity. I was taking my last final and took a friend on an offer to hang out and do a few shots to celebrate his graduation and the end of the semester. He picked me up and we drove to his house. Through the ride I was a little nervous because I used to have a major crush on this guy and had my hopes we could finally become a little more than friends. As we reached his house we found out his brother had a girl over so we couldn't quite interrupt their "alone time" so we did the best next thing and waited in the car. We talked for a little bit and suddenly it turned to a make out session. I could feel him getting hard as he pressed up against me. As clothes came off (it was winter) we were down to our underwear. I hesitated at first but I let him unclasp my bra and kiss my body. As we continued to make out he ask if it was okay to take off his pants. I agreed and down came his pants and his genitals touching my body. I thought we would just fool around (something I did to an extent in the past). Continuing our make out session I finally made my way down and gave him oral. I didn't find it too repulsing. Afterwards, he asked if I wanted to go all the way and I declined. We kept grinding up against eachother (with my panties still on) and I finally admitted I was a virgin and I was on my period. He gave me a smile and a kiss telling me he didn't mind and he would go slow. With that I agreed and 1hr later we were finished. I didn't say a word on our way back. Finally we made it to my car in the parking lot and he asked me again if I was okay with everything I forced a smile and said yes and we parted ways.

In the car it was a different story. All the emotions that I bottled up that night came out. I started to cry and called my two best friends. It was around 2 or 3 AM but they picked up and I told them all about the incident. Repeatedly they asked me if I felt forced or if I was hurt in anyway but I assured them I wasn't, It was at my free will and maybe I was just feeling sad because I wanted my first time to be with someone I loved. After a long talk home (1hr) I crawled into the shower and cried. I felt dirty and shameful, although I didn't know why...Wasn't sex supposed to be this great thing? Then why was I crying? I couldn't understand myself at that moment. For a few months I was down in a slump repenting for the "sin" i had committed and hated anything sexual. After half year since the incident I finally accepted what had happened and told myself I just wasn't ready. After that I tried online dating but I just wasn't interested in any guys and I guess I was a little disappointed with men in general.

I got back on with my normal life. One night I got in the mood for a tv show marathon and I popped in a South of Nowhere DVD. It wasn't the first time watching this TV show and I was looking forward to seeing one of the sexy male leads. I always found this show to be awesome because it reminded me of home and had the whole true love wins in the end plot. So as I began to watch it and something resounded with me...I didn't know what it was but I found myself aroused and excited by the chemistry between the two girls on the show even more than the sexy male lead. I admit I was a little turned on in the past but that was just teenage hormones seeing any two people getting hot and heavy, right? I finished the dvd and moved onto my next obsession, Degrassi. I started watching from the beginning and move to my favorite season, season 5. A lot of storylines happened during this season but the most memorable one I remember watching was the Alex and Paige relationship and how Paige came to realization or at least partial acceptance she had feelings for another girl, yes this girly popular chick liked a GIRL maybe not girls but a GIRL. I moved on to season 6 and once again was invested into a fictional relationship but what took me by surprise was my growing attraction, sexual attraction, to the two girls. I remembered my flustered self in high school and college with my interaction with beautiful girls (or at least the one's I was "drawn" to) but now I wasn't burying these feelings or labeling something else I admitted to myself it was an attraction. I quickly picked up degrassi femslash fanfics and in no time was comfortable enjoying them but again my scared self came out and tried to tell myself it was just the "romance" i liked about these stories...sure I may be attracted to the characters but I wasn't gay.

The last stop to coming to this forum started about two months ago. I finally mustered the courage and watched the L word....not a lesbian or bi-curious story line in some teen tv show but a full blown show about lesbians.. After a few episodes I was hooked and found myself aroused in almost every episode. Since then I can stop thinking about girls. I check girls everywhere I go and get aroused to the point I could actually cum. I've told one of my best friends that I'm always aroused but I didn't disclosed it was by girls. I'm afraid to lose our friendship...

So here I am....I think I may be more comfortable with girls, maybe all my life it has been like this and I crave a emotional relationship and perhaps even physical relationship with them. I started looking up reasons for why I might feel this way while going around I'm gay but I think it's time to beating around the bush and really let myself figure out if I'm a lesbian or bi or whatever it may be.

Since I'm not sure what I am still, should I keep my family and friends in the dark till I finally know? I mean my extended family is pretty conservative. Sure, I have a gay uncle but we don't talk about it and a gay girl in a catholic family is something else....I don't feel its fair to put my parents in the position to lie to our family or take any criticism if they disclose my sexual orientation. I really want to at least talk to my friend about my confusion but I don't want to lose her.

Has anyone gone through my situation or have any words of wisdom?

 

SheldonCooper,
Glad to know I'm not the only one out there with these feelings. And your words really encourage me to be true to myself. I think we all deserve the chance to be happy. Talking about it is just the first step, one of many but with support it makes it a little easier. Hope you'll be able to sort your feelings out and can find your happiness.

P.S. LOVE the username..BBT is my favorite show right now. =)

---------- Post added 24th Feb 2013 at 11:18 PM ----------

ConfusedMan,
I suppose I've been in denial or a part of me has. Newgirl31 is right, denial can be powerful. To answer your question yes I am religious in some ways and fear of what being gay will mean. My parents are very supportive and brought up my brother and I to have the utmost respect for others regardless orientation or physical appearance. My mother doesn't believe homosexuality is a sin and sometimes I think she hints she knows I like girls. So, I think fear has probably been my greatest obstacle. Lately I've been coming closer to confirming my orientation with one question.
"If society and religious groups did not condemn homosexuality would I openly date a woman?"
My answer keeps leaning to yes but like you I just joined and I'm still trying to figure my stuff out.
As for your other question, mostly in the past I've only dreamed of men and only the past year or so have I started dreaming about woman. It's like after I lost my virginity something awoken inside of me.
Well I hope I'll see you around this site and we can follow up with each other. I dunno how much help I'll be but I wanna at least be able to be there for those who want to vent or finally open up.

---------- Post added 24th Feb 2013 at 11:32 PM ----------

Aww Thank you new girl31!
I feel like I've made the right choice joining EC. There's a lot of support here and already starting to feel comfortable. Your story has basically summed up how I feel/felt. Being with guys sometimes feels forced but when I think about women it feels safe. Sometimes I think how it would feel to be with another woman. I used to be grossed out about going down on a woman but now its not seeming like the worst thing in the world. The anxiety you described when you were around girls is coming back up in my life and stronger than ever. Even a friendly comment like "Oh so you want me to sit on your lap?" makes me blush.:icon_redf like I'm freaked out she knows exactly what I'm thinking about.
As for coming out...I think you're right. I have to accept who I am before I tell everyone else and I think I haven't done that yet and maybe won't for a while. I might even freak out and say I'm straight tomorrow but I won't lie to myself any longer.
Thanks for all the great advice.
(*hug*)

 

P.S. I Felt the same way about the L Word:icon_wink
and sleepovers...well unless your family or one of my best friends that I think of as a sister just having you brush up against me makes the night intolerable.

:sleep: Well I better get off to bed. Thanks again!