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I have to come out to someone.. someday

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by pacific10, Feb 24, 2013.

  1. pacific10

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    Growing up I always thought I was different. Even though I thought this I would always go along with what my friends were doing and kept all of my different thoughts that I had to myself. In elementary school most of my friends were girls partially because the town I was from was outside where I went to school and there were six of us kids that lived there, two guys four girls. That’s who I hung out with and partially because I just got along better with girls. I was a bull shitter and I enjoyed hearing smack about individuals. The guys always thought that was weird and called me girly boy or fag. Those were the two main insults. Ever sense that started to happen I knew that I had to act more manly. As manly as a third grader could act. I started doing sports, which I was really good at, and started making friends. This went on to about Jr. High until people really started calling me a fag and questioning my sexuality. So in 8th grade I lost my virginity. I had to prove to myself and my friends that I wasn’t. It didn’t feel right and I kind of wanted it to stop. She did have great tits though. At this point I didn’t realize that I was actually gay or maybe I just didn’t want to accept it. So now that that was out of the way I didn’t have sex with another girl until almost my senior year. Between when I was 13 to Senior Year it was always on my mind. Don’t look at that guy, did I delete my internet history, does this outfit look gay, I’m going out is it going to be all girls, and just so much more. It was always on my mind. I almost told my best friends and my mom thousands of times. It’s been on the top of my tongue not that I was even gay but that I had a crush on a guy or I thought someone was hot. I’ve almost had a few slips when my friends would see a guy and would think they were attractive and I wanted to join in and say yes he is! But during those years I would think a guy was hot and just think to myself that this is a phase, this was hormones, and it’ll go away. It never did. It was something that I never wanted to be and absolutely hated myself for. Senior year came and I was NOT gay. That wasn’t going to be me. I hooked up with a lot of girls. Thinking of guys the whole time to make myself actually have a boner. But slowly it stopped working. It just wasn’t getting hard. I wasn’t enjoying it and wanted it to be someone else. I graduated and started working over the summer. I still hadn’t told a single soul that I was gay, no one knew the real me, and I was still happy with that. I moved away and started attending a state university. I started thinking no one will keep tabs on me and I can do whatever I wanted here. I had my group of friends that I would go out with and hang out with and then I actually started talking to guys. At which point I hooked up with a few of them. It was the craziest experience in my life because it felt right, I wasn’t nervous, I was excited, instant erection and it lasted, I was comfortable and had a blast. I met someone that would change my life. He was an alum of the University that I was going to and was in the military. This was a VERY secret relationship that again one knew. This started right at the start of winter vacation. I would sneak away from home for the night and go stay with him. I think we did this five times during the three week break. It was amazing and I was actually starting to be happy and enjoy someone a way that I’ve never enjoyed and cared about anyone. We even went on a little weekend mountain getaway. It was amazing to wake up next to him every morning. Even though we had only known each other for a couple months at that point it was like I’d known him forever. He’s moving to San Diego for more schooling at the end of March which makes me sad but he comes and visits me quite often at school or vice versa. I’m starting to get freaked out because of the feelings that are developing for him. But were making the most out of the time we have left. I think I’m finally coming to terms with my sexuality and I’m almost, almost to the point where I’m ready to tell my closest friends about who I really am. I’m scared how they’re going to take it and think of me now, especially my guy friends and roommates. So spring break I’m going to do it. I’m scared but I have to stop lying to myself and to my friends. Wish me luck.
     
  2. pacific10

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    i'm not expecting anyone to actually sit down and read that whole thing but man it felt good to just even write what i was feeling.
     
  3. DeanIsHome

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    I did read the whole thing and it was wonderful and sad to read that you've hidden yourself for so long, I'm just glad that you're happy now.

    I really wish you goodluck on coming out to you're friends! I think you should start by testing the waters and asking them on there opinions on gay marriage, same-sex couple adoptions, or if they had a kid that was any of the LGBT and say it's for a persuasive essay.
     
  4. Naren

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    Good luck. I actually read it, lol. And what Dean said, test the waters. That's what I do.
     
  5. pacific10

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    thanks guys. we'll see if i actually do it. i think it's going to be a big shock to the people i tell. but i just want it to stay with them and see if i'm ready for more people to find out. which is why i'm hesitant to do it yet.
     
  6. gador

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    I know the feeling to just have to tell anybody or you're going crazy but so far just as you I couldn't get myself to tell anybody.
    I wish you all the courage you need to be able to come out and that whoever you tell will accept you and support you.

    (PS: reading would have been easier with paragraphs, just as a tipp for next time)
     
  7. Dublin Boy

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    Well i'm Dyslexic & I read it :slight_smile: I wish you all the best in coming out, as Dean said "test the waters first" :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  8. JJAA

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    haha i read it all the way too :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    actually your story isnt too different to mine. reading it through brought back some not too distant memories...

    im not going to pretend that coming out for the first time easy, i found it incredibly hard. but the one thing that made me actually go through with it was the fact that for the first time in my life i could drop the facade, and to be honest the relief was great because for the first time there was someone in the world i didnt need to lie to or pretend i was something im not.

    i think the most important thing is to ask yourself whether or not your ready to come out, and from reading your post it seems to me like you are, so go for it, and dont look back lol!

    i wish you the best of luck for your spring break. you'll be fine :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    lotsa love

    j

    xxx
     
  9. Last Gentleman

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    Another person whom read the entire post.

    My first coming out wasn't planned, I'd never even said "I am gay" to myself before.
    I was with a friend sitting maybe 2 meters away from a lot of other people at the gun range.

    Earlier in the day she asked me to share a secret with her (any secret). At this point I sort of blurted out that I'd had a one night stand with another man and wanted to do it again. My heart was pounding and I was on the verge of tears.

    If anything, it has brought us much closer together.

    I wish you the best of luck and remember, closets are for clothes....