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How do you get them to stop asking?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LailaForbidden, Feb 24, 2013.

  1. LailaForbidden

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    My family knows i'm not straight, but they don't know if i'm gay or bisexual. (I originally came out as bisexual, then gay, now... I like to have a mysterious air about me ;P) I've told them that i'm not ready to really 'come out' as my true identity yet. But guess what? They still ask me over and over again. "Hey, kar, are you a fag? No, i mean are you really gay? I bet you're gay! Why don't you tell us?! Oh well I once had this cousin who was....blahblahblah..." :bang:

    I swear every time we land on the topic of sexuality, their unwillingness to even consider what I call human decency and they call political correctness astounds me. But that's a different story. The problem here is that they won't stop asking and it's driving me nutbuckets.
    How do I get them to stop??:help:
     
  2. returning

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    Three ways: get them to stop by asking them and nagging them and whining and begging and screaming at them to stop, tell them the truth, or brutally murder them.
     
  3. DeanIsHome

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    If I were in you're position and I did NOT want to tell them I'd straight up lie my ass off until they shut up.
     
  4. Nyanko

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    Tell them you feel uncomfortable about their constant questions. It's probably more annoyance than anything...either way, they'll probably listen if they know it makes you uncomfortable.
     
  5. LailaForbidden

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    hahahaha :roflmao: you should get an award. :thumbsup:
     
  6. Pret Allez

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    You sexuality is private and not up for discussion unless they want to be supportive. And that's exactly how I'd put it, but that's because I like conflict.

    Sometimes people need to be told when they are crossing a line.

    And "fag"? Really? That's what they call you?
     
  7. LailaForbidden

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    They'd see through it though if I said i was straight...and i would feel really guilty. I dunno.. they honestly don't listen when I ask them to stop.
     
  8. Pret Allez

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    Well what's their deal then? If they aren't prepared to support you, then they need to shut the fuck up.
     
  9. LailaForbidden

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    Well, my brothers do. They know it bothers me...and they think its funny to watch me squirm. They think my objection to it is ridiculous. I would say that... except they'd assure me they are supportive while refusing to stop saying derogatory comments. Tough love, i guess.

    ---------- Post added 24th Feb 2013 at 09:40 PM ----------

    No, they really do support me in their own way. They tell me they love me and don't care what my orientation is, but they are going about it all wrong. And then they say stupid shit like "I know you'll be with a dyke because your feminine". It would be funny if it wasn't so sad. (btw, sorry for the complaining...)
     
  10. OMGWTFBBQ

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    l think is weird for adults to do this to young people.

    Since you did come out before, they're curious, though. But badgering is different, a genuinely concerned family member could ask you once and leave it at that. Gauge your behavior and sense whether you want to talk about it.

    l might not mind telling people l was bi individually if they asked in a non obnoxious way. Since you already came out twice, l don't know if there's an effective way to get them to stop. You could just let them think you're gay.
     
  11. Pret Allez

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    Unfortunately, I've met some people who seem to think that by being an asshole, you're doing others a service, you're "helping them to grow thicker skin." What they fail to understand is that other people don't know in advance what their noble plan is (and of course, the plan doesn't work unless it's secret).

    Is it possible that's what's going on? Are they thinking that piling on homophobic epithets help you to "take abuse"? The use of the word "fag" to describe you is really interesting too, because I feel like the word is being misapplied (it's derogatory to gay men, who straight men seem to viscerally hate, while they "merely" objectify the crap out of lesbian and bisexual women). So they seem to really want to make it hurt.

    I can't think of any other coherent reason for that kind of behavior (not that I'm crediting this line of thought with rationality or cohesion either.)
     
    #11 Pret Allez, Feb 24, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2013
  12. LailaForbidden

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    Yeah, i think that is the case. Often they say i'm too sensitive because "words only have power if you give them power"... which i kinda get... but it still f*cking sucks.
     
  13. Pret Allez

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    "Overly sensitive" was a phrase invented by assholes to try and rebut reasonable objections to their language. I would simply explain to them that you understand what they are trying to do, and that you reject their grossly misguided attempts to "teach" you. Even if they think that what they are doing is a service, intent is not magic, and what they are engaged in is sexual harassment.
     
  14. MtnFr3sh

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    I say option C, brutal murder :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    jk, just tell them the truth, it doesn't sound like they'd be angry with you if they knew you which you actually were.
     
  15. newgirl31

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    This sounds like such a painful thing to deal with dude..that sucks so much! Here you are brave and honest and then they are hiding bias behind so-called humor and sensitivity training.

    I can so see my dad and male older cousins doing this with me..that is why I am trying to avoid talking to them. I imagine my dad asking inappropriate questions in public / pointing out girls and being like " so is that a dyke you'd go for?" Thinking its totally just funny. Ugh.

    I think divide and conquer might help. As a group or with any kind of audience their machismo BS would just be fed by my protests. If I (though probably so uncomfortable) took each aside in a super serious toned but emotional conversation about how them saying certain things is hurting you.. "And I am sure you don't want me to be hurt so do you understand" to prevent them brushing it off or getting argumentative.

    Ps.
    went on google / wiki tangent and found "attack therapy" definition that was interesting
     
  16. FemCasanova

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    I would probably do the same to them for a little while, see if they get the point;

    "Hey, X, are you sure you`re straight?" "So, who do you like to sleep with?" "Okay, but if you could sleep with another gender, would you?" "Are you straight or bisexual?"

    over and over and over, until maybe they get shit tired of it all, and leave you alone!

    But that is just one suggestion, looks like you got some good ones above me there :slight_smile:
     
  17. Right on.
     
  18. LailaForbidden

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    It might work, but i've tried telling them this very thing and they always react with something along the lines of "get over yourself. They are just words. Stop being so politically correct"... ugh. Even when I do come out to them, they probably won't stop. Although, my brother might add 'whore' into the mix. which i can tell you will really set me off. i've spend enough time trying to convince myself that that stupid stereotype doesn't apply to me...
    I think i might give it another go though. just for good measure.

    Thanks for your advice!