So, I have been in the past six months really confused between being like 'Yeah! I like girls! Great, now I can move on past this horrible time of questioning" and then being like "Wait, am I really? Am I SURE?" and the reason this is happening is because I've been questioning my sexuality for probably my entire life. I'm so absolutely and utterly confused and I don't know what to do. I'm at the point where if anyone asks me my sexual orientation I just say I hate labels, and then I get weird looks. I'm just not sure what to do at all.... so like all the other confused people, I should probably give my story: Through the awesomeness of the Internet I found porn really early on, and I have never ever been interested guy porn. I'm not really sure if any girl does, straight or gay, so that's slightly confusing for me. The problem is I DID enjoy looking at girls or lesbian porn, and (okay I masturbate it's a fact) when I fantasize (sorry if this makes people uncomfortable) it's always a girl. But I've had crushes on guys for most of my life. It also might be good to mention that I was in a relationship with a guy over the summer and I broke up with him because I didn't feel anything more than friendship for him and I knew I would never feel anything more than friendship, and I wanted to break it off before he could EVER make a move on me, because I so badly didn't want to kiss him and even hugging him when he thought it was romantic made me uncomfortable. Before that, I went out on a date my freshman year with a guy and never made it past that because I didn't feel anything. I'm not sure if the reason they're asking me out is because I'm really sociable or what, and I don't know if the reason I didn't feel anything for them was because I am a lesbian or just because I just plain old didn't like them! I recently developed a crush on a girl, and it definitely made me seriously consider the fact that I might be a lesbian, because every single time that this idea had ever crossed my head I just pushed it away. But, I recently developed a crush on a girl, like I said, and it feels much more real than any of my crushes on guys and I am starting to wonder if the reason I ever had crushes on the guys I have had crushes on were because I needed a guy to like and I just picked one in order to fit what every one of my straight friends experience. The problem is, when I feel sure that I am a lesbian I still don't necessarily notice girls at school. I notice guys, but I'm worried that that's just from years of denial and knowing that I SHOULD like guys, so I notice them and write off any feelings I have for girls. I'm just so confused! And I just want to know so I can actually live happily from now on. I might as well figure it out before I go to college, and please don't say I'm too young to need this to be figured out! I just want to stop thinking about it, and I'm so tired of saying this too young thing to MYSELF because it's like procrastinating something that NEEDS to be figured out at one point... I've been trying to figure this stuff out for seventeen years. I just want to move on. I'm pretty sure I'm not straight, but I don't know if I'm gay. ---------- Post added 25th Feb 2013 at 06:22 PM ---------- Please! I just need someone to talk me through this and help me out...
Hi, If when you fantasize, it's always about a girl, you are probably gay. Occasional fantasies about a girl wouldn't necessarily mean anything, but I think if it's always, that's a pretty good sign. It can be very difficult to accept that, but it will be all right. Have you tried just going with the idea that you're gay for a few days, and purposely checking out girls and so on? What is the girl like that you have a crush on? How did it feel when you had crushes on guys? By "guy porn" do you mean porn with men and women in it or gay porn?
I relate to literally everything you just said. It's actually kind of scary. I've always assumed that I was straight. When I had something in the back of my mind saying I wasn't, I just pushed it away. Looking back, I remember that anytime I had a crush on a guy it was because I realized that I didn't have a guy to like and I would make myself crush on someone. I recently remembered that at one point I actually thought to myself, "Tonight at the dance, I'm going to start crushing on this guy" and BAM a crush was born! The thing is that I feel like I've trained myself so well to look at guys and find them attractive that I've lost track of what my actual thoughts are and what are the thoughts that I think I'm supposed to have. Now at present day, I've realized that I'm actually starting to crush on my best friend, who's a girl. I pushed the feelings away for months but over the past few weeks I've let myself actually feel the emotions for her. And it's been scary, I'm not going to lie. Every day I come to a different conclusion. But I am starting to think that I am at least bi or probably gay but in the denial/acceptance stages. I've also noticed that any fantasies I have are about women. I've tried to think about men, just to see what would happen, and I felt pretty much nothing. Sorry that was long, but I just wanted to share the similarities! I'm still technically questioning at this point and I know it sucks, but just try to hang in there until you're sure. I hope this helps
It's actually really nice to know I'm not the only one that feels like this! In answer to Ianthe, I mean any porn that has a man in it at all. The whole idea is just not appealing to me at all, but I've never had a real experience with a guy that was passed kissing (I'm extremely behind in sexual milestones mainly because I'm so confused that I kind of shut people off, and I've never experienced anything with a girl). Kissing doesn't feel right, though, from the little I've experienced so far. The girl that I have a crush on right now is really funny, but can sit down and talk to you if you need someone to talk to and she gives the BEST advice. She's a lesbian, and single. She's really cute! And she really likes Doctor Who! I think I have always and have always known that I can be physically attracted to women, but I don't want to say I'm a lesbian and come out and everything and end up just being super picky about the girls that I would go out with. When I have crushes on guys I mainly just imagine what our future will be like if we were together and marriage and children and things like that, but I never felt the butterflies that I have now and the actual physical reactions that make you smile. Also, I've always been a huge supporter of gay rights and acceptance because I have a lot of gay friends and I also always knew that there was something in me that had gay feelings and being a huge supporter of gay pride helped me figure out how my family feels about it. But whenever I tried to put the idea on myself in the past, I've dreaded it so much because I don't have a problem with being gay, but I had a problem with how people will treat me and how different the world is when everything about the world is so straight. Every single movie that has a gay person in it is a big deal BECAUSE it has a gay person in it! It's just so unusual in society and I don't know how to handle that. I just want community! I guess I just need to surround myself with the right people and try to help change the rest of the world so that EVERYONE is accepting and more people don't go through the problems I have gone through when facing sexuality.
For me I am just recently coming to terms with h exact thing you described. I think you are in the perfect place forgetregret8 and gem1715! Denial is so incredibly powerful! But you will find tons of people figuring out their identity at very early ages here. For me it took 31 years! I can totally relate to "pushing away" attractions to girls my whole life. I like gem1715 would either have a hetero girl friend take on this role of "finding me a guy" or I would find one and sort of "grow" a crush. Then in all my relationships it was painfully awkward to initiate physical interactions...first kisses the worst! But I really thought the forced feeling and awkwardness was just something everyone dealt with. And I would find guys attractive in some way that in my recent real questioning/processing phase I had to take a hard look at. To me I wanted what they had, success, brilliance, sexual prowess..or the self esteem boost I would get if they decided I was "worthy" of dating. And like forgetregret8 I was always obsessed with gay rights. So it hit me hard that I had internalized homophobia coming up when considering if I was gay. How could it be so fine for everyone else but for me it was bad? It, to me, sounds like you might actually be in the anger stage I was also in grieving the loss of heterosexuality possibilities(denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) I would get really extra pissed at celebrities I saw getting different treatment because they were gay, then oddly also getting mad about celebs I thought were in the closet (Oprah! Haha. I dunno.). But then I realized I can't fix the world and most important is to find acceptance myself from myself. Then try and help others in whatever way I can. Reading threads with "questioning" and "denial" in the title and posting on walls of people I related to helped a lot. (*hug*) Glad you both are here! ---------- Post added 26th Feb 2013 at 01:54 AM ---------- Plus, it felt great once I realized I can still have the life I want, partner, kids, white picket fence etc!
