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stuck in between..

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by rojo, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. rojo

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    austria
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi to you all out there.

    I have to admit, i sorta hesitated to share my story in a long time now but i am finally at a point where i really need support and opinions by others but the involved people in my life.
    I want to say a big thank you to everyone who is about to read my story and can give me support in either way.

    I am in my 29th year of living and was brought up by a loving and caring family with my sister, who is three years younger than me and now expecting her first child in a few months. i have a loving mother and a loving father, to whom i never really got close as he used to work lots to allow myself and my sister to attend university and do whatever fits us best, profession- wise. I graduated med school a bit over a year ago and am now working as a doctor full time, a job that is highly demanding and does not really allow any self reflection or thinking.

    I always had a tendency to turn towards man, this started in very young years whilst i have been exploring sexuality, first silly playarounds with cousins and later on, at the age of 16, i joined the www to get in touch with other boys, that felt similar to me. i have never been the sort of boy that could identify himself with the others from his school but never had any problems with popularity or such. i could easily connect with girls, as well as boys but a friendship to boys was something that never really got into depth, meaning, feeling integrated, liked. i was, and this does not appear to unusual concerning the questioning of my sexuality, never good in sports, have always been the last one to be picked in sports teams etc.; well, to continue further..
    by the age of 18 i was graduating from high school and fell in love with one of the girls from my class. at first it was just making out but later on our relationship developed. we started dating and i soon got the feeling that this girl is exactly what i am looking for in life. smart, good looking, with an amazing sense of humour, we could laugh for hours and be serious if needed. we had the same goals in life and so things got better as time went by. we started our relationship at the age of 18 and even tho there were times it got eventually a little bit ruff, we always sticked together. even studying in different places made us deal with the distance, we have always been lovers, best mates, soulmates. As time went by and we both did our studies on the same university we decided to move out from home and get an apartement together. my girlfriend started working two years earlier then me as i started economics before for a year and did my civil service. so we finally could affort to get our own place, a place that we spent so much effort in to make it a home, our home. A home all of our friends would be jealous of.
    during our time together, and especially during the first years my desires for getting close with a man subsided more or less. they never actually disappeared but i could get my head free from any homosexual fantasies.
    by the last year of my studies i went to do an internship in the US for three months. My girlfriend joined me for a vacation before hand and left after a couple of weeks so i stayed with my uncle, who is american, for the rest of my internship alone.
    i can clearly remember the moment i sayed good bye to my girlfriend on the airport. i gave her a kiss, we shared tears and as soon as she disappeared behind the gate i experienced an unknown feeling. i dont know how it should have been rated, was it freedom, was it numbness? i went back to my aunties place and started thinking about my life. Short before my girlfriend left we attended a pride parade. to state that i would not have known that this was an LGBT event would have been a lie, but i just wanted to go there and feel the vibe, see that amazing thing everyone was talking about whilst we have been there. we have seen the parade, dressed up, had fun and even went to a gay party (of which i honestly did not know before that it was 99% man partying the night away, men topless, trying to get in contact with me whenever they could but i was with my girlfriend.)
    my girlfriend left and as days went by i started to look a little bit into the gay scene and got to know a very kind american boy. it was weird. i can totally recall every detail from the scene where i first met him. he was with a girlfriend in a bar and we decided to meet after a couple of chats online. actually i would have never talked to him elsewise as i am quite shy when it comes to talking to strangers. we met and had an amazing night. when we said goodbye we shared a kiss. i was numb, cold, hot, excited and frightened at the same point. what was happening here? how come i would kiss a guy in a foreign country whom i knew just for a couple of hours? damn it, i have a loving girlfriend just waiting at home for me to come back.
    but things developed. i started meeting this handsome boy a couple of times and we shared wonderful moments together, we cooked together, went to the movies, went to the beach, went out for a night of partying. it was all just amazing and fun. all the people we met stated how good we would fit together. he integrated me into his life, introduced me to his friends and let me stay over at his house. to my auntie i was telling that i was out partying that long but actually i was staying at his house.
    i missed my girlfriend, i missed her actually quite a lot.
    short before my departure from the US i felt like i could not do this hide and pretend thing anymore and came out to my uncle. he was very loving and understanding and assured that everything would be alright.

    So i stepped into the plane back to my country, with an almost clear mindset of what had to be done. I graduated from med school the month after and still lived in the relationship with my girlfriend. but things got worse somehow. we started to argue and i started to feel depressed.
    the boy i fell in love with in america decided to come and visit me in my homecountry by winter. so he came to me and sleeped in hotels whilst i told him that i was about to end things with my girlfriend. well, i sorta did. that one day where i just couldnt stand the confusion any longer i said to her that i was unsecure about my sexuality. she took it quite as a shock and we decided that it would be better for me to leave the apartment for a while. So i moved into my sisters house and lived there for a couple of weeks. a time where, even tho we separated, i used to talk to my"ex" girlfriend on every second day. she was, all in all, not taking it so well. the state of confusion i left her in, made her depressed and when my visit left again i moved house again, a short term lease for an apartment where i could be by myself. i fell into a major depression and got suicidal. so i seeked out for help and saw a therapist.
    I told the therapist about my encounters in the foreign country as well as my still existing love for this girl and he said to me that this was rather an action, that i did because i felt alone overseas and needed someone to feel being close to. he advised me to do some strategies to improve my former relationship and encouraged me to work on the relationship with my girlfriend. so i decided to move in again. we had several talks but never again really got to talk about that specific topic any more. things got better again and we started to have one of the best years in our relationship. what needs to be added here is the fact that i still kept contact to that one boy in america by daily sent texts, weekly skype calls and plans we made for a future together. i could not let go of him in some aspect. so he decided to look out for additional work and come to austria by the spring of 2013 to start a living together. As said, i had an amazing year with my girlfriend even tho we did not get intimate too often.

    i am standing in between two people. i am covered in work and start to feel depressed again. i dont want to loose my girlfriend nor give up my dream to be a father one day. to be able to call kids my own. everything was already planned in detail and now i dont know what to do. i am lost, i feel alone and can talk to noone. but the things is i also dont want to break up with that beautiful boy from overseas because i could imagine having a life with him together, a life we share that is fun and full of excitement.

    i dont know what to do.. i feel numb. i dont know whether i am gay or straight. i just dont know... i feel fooled by that therapist and my life :frowning2:
     
  2. somemiracle

    Regular Member

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    Out Status:
    A few people
    This is just my take on it, but I think you seem to be in love with this American boy however you're clinging onto your relationship with your girlfriend, to the prospect of normality and having children etc. You sound like you might be bisexual, considering your love for both your girlfriend and this boy. The truth of the matter is that you can't keep trying to uphold a relationship with both your girlfriend and your American guy. One way or another somebody is going to get hurt. It sucks when we get stuck between two people we love, I know :frowning2: But eventually you're going to have to decide.

    Additionally, this therapist sounds like he may have misinterpreted the situation. If you're not happy with your girlfriend, that should say enough in itself. Maybe try thinking about who you really want to spend your future with, who you can picture yourself happy with?

    Good luck!
     
  3. Italy or Bust

    Full Member

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    Bad therapist, get a second opinion! I am 50 and wish I had explored these questions at your age. The fantasies and attractions will not go away, and they are telling you something about yourself. Listen. Maybe you are bisexual, maybe gay. You have your whole life to figure it out, but discussing these issues with a therapist who understands LGBT issues would be the place to start. My opinion!