A gay in Yemen, life of fear and pain.

This is what I know about myself:

I am a gay Muslim, living and studying in Yemen. As a child, my parents made sure that I had an easy and happy life since I am their only child, but that was not my deal. I was molested when I was 6 by several men and teenagers, when I became 13 one of my friends asked me if I want to have sex with him. It was a total shock for me because that happened after I moved with my family to a different city, was my homosexuality that obvious?! Well, I didn’t know that I am gay so, how could he?!!! Anyway, my friends and I had the same interests, we would hangout all the time in school and out. After my 15th birthday, I started having feelings towards one of my classmates, It was pure love, no sexual desires nothing except love. We became best friends, and I couldn’t hide my feelings from him. A year after, his family moved to another country so, to keep in touch with him; I began to explore the world wide web, it was fun to surf online and chat, but one day I got curious about chat rooms specially, gay chat rooms. I started chatting with lots of older men who were looking for sex with younger boys, but I didn’t meet anyone until my curiosity led me to it, it was my first time to have sex with a man. I had guilt and shame all over me because I made one of the biggest mistakes that a Muslim can do, I didn’t tell anyone about it. I was so ashamed, and I prayed to Allah to forgive me.

The next month, I began to notice cute men and I knew what’s being gay is like, I had all sorts of infatuation, but I couldn’t tell anyone about my homosexuality so every time I got horny, I would hook up with a random man online. The guilt started to fade away and the sex started to feel good, but the shame of being a Muslim who does that did not go away. I was so afraid that my parents would know that I am gay, and I still do; that’s why I kept my sexual activities hidden from everyone. However, I didn’t stop having sex with strangers, and it took me a while to know that I have an addictive personality. During those months, I got my gay radar on and I realized that all my best friends are gay, That was weird for me. Ironically, my lost love came back, I was 18 back then, happy and ready to reveal my truth to him, but I didn’t because all I saw in him was a homophobic guy who is not in love with me anymore. He broke my heart even without having to know that I am gay, and I spent months recovering from that, but I already had lost myself to the sexual gay world. My life got pretty messed up academically and socially, I was graduating from high school at the time, and I totally blew my dreams of getting a scholarship or even studying the major that I wanted. I still blame myself for losing my ambitions, but I found a way to stop my addiction. I stopped having sex for a while, and I started hanging with girls, dreaming to meet someone who would change me to a straight guy, but I never found one.

I began college and with it my infatuation to guys turned on, I actually moved to another city just to be away from all the gayness in my life, starting with my friends and hook ups, I thought maybe if I went to a place where no one knows me, I would have a clean straight new beginning. I was wrong because my life didn’t get any better. I am still struggling with my sexuality, and I still have a problem finding what I want. I am trying to be optimistic about the future, but it doesn’t look bright if I keep living in my home country. Having this secret side of me that I am trying to accept makes me feel like I am in a prison, I can’t wear what I want or brush my hair the way I like, I can’t be myself when I am with my friends or even with my family. It makes me feel tired and fake. I want to be free, I want to live a real happy honest life, I want to be in love, I want to be successful, I just want to be myself.

As I get older my addiction fades away, but the pain of living this straight life is growing. I have tried everything that could help me to get out of here, starting by corrosponding with LGBT organizations, and ending it by surfing gay dating websites. No one seems to be able to help me directly or indirectly.

 

Yes, I have done all kinds of research on asylum, but they only offer asylum to people inside the country, and they don't really think that Yemen is no gay zone!

 

Thank you for your support and suggestion, I will try my best to not lose hope ... Thanx

 

Indeed ... Hope is the greatest reason to keep living.
Keep dreaming until you achieve that dream. My dream is to live somewhere I can be accepted, fall in love and be loved!

 

Thank you, and I hope so!