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Looking for advice coming out to parents who live away

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by handonthehandle, Mar 2, 2013.

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  1. handonthehandle

    handonthehandle
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    First off - today I doubled the number of people that I'm out to! Told my best friend & his wife, and they were completely supportive, as I had anticipated. Now I'm working towards breaking the news to my folks, and I don't know how to do it.

    I'm 28, and have been away at school and/or working for the past 10 years. I visit my parents only a few times a year, as they live a full day's drive away. I'm hoping someone out there might have some similar experiences and can share their story or give me some advice.

    In a nutshell, I'm not sure how they're going to react. I have a great relationship with my parents, but they are very religious and I know they do not support or agree with homosexuality. I'm afraid if I make the trip on a weekend to give them the news, 1) I might chicken out and not go through with it, and 2) if I do tell them, things may not go so well and I'll have a long, shitty drive home by myself. #1 is my biggest concern, as I've nearly backed out of telling each of the friends I've told so far, and I knew without a doubt that they would be supportive of me.

    So...I've written a letter (one to each of them, as they're divorced), thinking that it will give them the time to process what I'm telling them before we talk face to face or on the phone. Ideally, I'd like them to have some time alone to read it, but I'm not sure how to best facilitate that, as my Mom lives with & cares for my grandparents (who definitely will not take this well, so I may never come out to them as it is), and they both share custody of my much younger brother.

    Do I mail it to them and give them an awkward heads up on the phone? Do I email it and hope they get it at an opportune time? I just feel like I don't have any control over the situation unless I do it in person, but I'm afraid I'll never get around to it if that's my approach.
     
    #1 handonthehandle, Mar 2, 2013
  2. Sinopaa

    Sinopaa
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    In this situation I feel that a letter might be the best approach. Is your family Christian? If they are then you will want to use Bible scriptures about how Jesus walked amongst the sinners and loved everyone equally. Reference that the diciples of Jesus were all outcasts from various walks of life. Yes homosexuality is considered a sin in the Bible, but so is everything else. We've all fallen short to God. Make sure to reference that Jesus "loved the sinner and hated the sin", but that he never outright condemned someone. Also, make sure to let them know you were born this way and "can't be fixed" into being straight.

    Do you have a GLBT church anywhere near you? If you do I'd also suggest talking to one of their pastors for advice in what to write. Chances are your parents will be hurt and not talk to you for a while; but it is something that we all go through. They will take your coming out as if they are dealing with the stages of death. So be ready for a lot of anger and questions as to "why you can't just be straight". Good luck with your letter.
     
    #2 Sinopaa, Mar 2, 2013
  3. Ianthe

    Ianthe
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    After you send a letter, you will be all full of anxiety until you hear back from them. Seriously, it will drive you mad. I think it's a good idea to write a letter, but you should either give it to them personally, or send it in email after texting or something so you know they can get it right away.

    Since they are divorced, it's really not necessary for you to tell them at the same time.

    Do you have any friends in the area that you can come out to before your parents? It would be good if you had support nearby when you tell them.

    Congratulations on coming out to your friends!
     
    #3 Ianthe, Mar 2, 2013
  4. RainbowMan

    RainbowMan
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    How I did it (almost a month ago now) with separated parents is sent an email to both of them. As Ianthe says above, it drove me insane that day - but I heard from them in the evening and a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

    My parents are also quite religious, and I thought that the reaction would be extremely negative, however it wasn't. I think it's different when the person is family - the response that I got was love and acceptance.

    I just got an email from my dad this morning actually in response, saying that "you sent this almost a month ago, your mom and I responded immediately, but we haven't talked about it since. I want to talk to you, call me tonight". So that's what I'm about to do, but I don't suspect anything significant will change.
     
    #4 RainbowMan, Mar 2, 2013
  5. handonthehandle

    handonthehandle
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    Thanks for the advice everyone. Sinopaa, I did make sure to include some religious nuggets, although no direct scripture as I don't need to get into a bible verse war lol.

    Ianthe, I hadn't thought about the "anxiously waiting" aspect, so thanks for that reminder. I've got a lot of stuff going on in my life besides this mess & can't really afford to be a nervous emotional wreck for more than a day at a time, so I think I'm going to do the email thing. And I hadn't really thought about telling my parents on different days, which is a great idea and may make some things easier timing-wise, so that was an excellent suggestion.

    Rainbowman, I've kept up on your posts since my coming out journey begant this year, and your story has been a huge motivator for me. I'm crossing my fingers that I'll be as surprised at my parents reaction as you were. I hope everything goes great with your call tonight, I'll keep you in my thoughts.
     
    #5 handonthehandle, Mar 2, 2013
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