Caught between a rock and a hard place

First of all, you can't fufill everybody's dreams, so let it go that your grandparents want to continue the line, or whatever. It is not your duty to produce children so that your grandparents or parents will be happy. Only have children if you want to, not because you are pressured into doing it.

And from your post, it sounds like your pretty gay. Unless you have any attraction to women, then it's pretty safe to say that you are gay.

Now, I'm sure that's hard to accept, in fact I know it is because I couldn't accept when I first figured it out. But I can tell you that after accepting it, I feel so much happier.

When my mind first knew that I was gay, I didn't want to be identified that way. I didn't want to be called 'gay' becuase I didn't want that to be what defined me. But in time, I stayed open to everything, and now I am proud to be who I am, and that I could face the truth.

So stay open, and keep thinking about it.

 

I just went trough with this myself, I figured it out a few weeks ago and I still am going around trying to convince myself otherwise I was 23 going on about being straight and not even trying to get a girlfriend finding excuses not to have one, what really helped me tho was that my friend was gay and I was able to talk to him about it and he made me realise things, I'm feeling more confident of who I am now, but I'm still not sure even tho my doubts are probably self enduced as I want to belive I'm not still.

 

I can definitely empathize with you there. I felt that way for a long time and still feel that way a lot. And although I don't like it too much, I am used to it because there's no use in going against it especially since it can take an emotional toll on you.

 

Same goes for me. I just wanted a life like everyone else, children, a wife, but I don't think that can happen seeing that I think I'm gay. I don't think it's a phase 'cause I've been denying it for as long as I can remember. I've been making excuses for why I felt the way I felt since i was just a child. I thought that I would one day grow out of it and start getting attracted to girls. But I was wrong
Before, saying "i'm gay" to myself was taboo, but now I just don't care. If I'm gay, then I'm gay.

 

I knew I was gay deep down when I was in my teens, and certainly by the time I was 16. Yet I denied it for 10 years and it wasn't until I was 26 that the pressure within got to the point where I had to do something about it. That was when I came out, to myself, to friends and work, and then to my parents. It was the best thing I ever did. I finally accepted myself for who I really am. Yes, I felt I should have done it earlier and felt I had wasted those 10 years, but there's nothing I could do about that.

One of my work colleagues is about 34 I think, and he came out when he was about 30. He had had girlfriends and got close to marrying one of them, but finally accepted to himself that this was not right, something was missing, and that he could not be happy with a girl. He had also known but suppressed it since his teens. He says he is so much happier now than he was before.

There are also people here such as Jim who have been married and discovered or accepted their true selves later in life.

So it is never too late. Certainly 30 is not too late. It sounds like you are about ready.

I know the younger members hate me when I say this, but I think it is easier to come out now than it was 15 or 20 years ago. There is generally more acceptance of gay people now, legally things are better for us, and there is the Internet with sites like this to help people through. I am not saying it's easy (it's far from easy), just that it's easier.

 

Hi Gareth! Welcome to EC. This is a great site for someone in your position. I'd suggest it's the ONLY site for someone in your position. This is such a great forum for people working through this issue. It helped me tremendously when I was coming to terms with the fact that I was gay - and that was only about 14 months ago...

As Paul said, I actually did get married (to a wonderful woman!) and stayed married for 10 years. We did have 2 children. And I didn't do it becuase my family explicitly suggested I needed to, but more because I just knew it was 'the thing to do' - and I wasn't really aware of the fact that I was gay. It simply never occurred to me. Perhaps I have superior 'denial skills' or something.

But I did eventually come to realize it, and came out to my wife with the help of my therapist. It resulted in us separating and moving to separate homes. I've also since told my parents and my sister and my 3 best friends.

I too thought - "Oh my gosh - I'm too old to start over! What kind of life am I going to have?!? This is going to be too hard."

But it gets better. It hasn't been easy, but the net result is that my life has improved immensely! Emotionally, I'm 100% happier than I was before. Despite having what appeared to be the 'perfect' life, I wasn't happy deep down. I was often depressed. Not satisfied with anything. Because I was trying to define who I was with what I owned or what i did for a living, rather than who I really was as a person.

So now - I'm gay. And I'm OK with that. And while some people may be uncomfortable with that - that's there problem. The people that care about me are OK with it, and that's all that matters.

And is it too late for you, at 30, to come out? NO! There are others like you who are just figuring themselves out. That can relate to how you're feeling. That would be open to developing a relationship with you. How do I know that? Because I found someone that was in a similar situation to me! He's 2 years older, was married 13 years, had two kids, and just recently came out and separated from his wife. Our friendship has grown into a love that is more pure and more powerful than either of us has ever experienced before in our lives - and it's wonderful. So wonderful that I don't regret at all that I had to wait 36 years to find it.

But life isn't a race. You need to be comfortable with yourself before you can expect others to be comfortable with you - including your family. It took me a long time to tell my parents, and I haven't told my grandmother. She's 90, and while I don't think she'd have a problem with it either, I'm not sure I want or need to tell her - but that's me. You might feel different.

But hang out here and that will help you get comfortable with who you really are. You might be like I was - and have never really talked to other gay people about being gay or gay issues, or about anything. So this forum is great for that.

And don't hesitate to PM me if you want to talk one on one. I understand how lonely and isolating and confusing this time can be. So if you want to chat, just let me know.

Good luck. And again - welcome!!!

 

Welcome to EC!
Well everyone has covered everything in a uperb way, so all I will tell is to be yourself. And the only way to know that you're being truly yourself is that if you're really happy the way you're living.

It's never too late. We all know cases of people finishing college when they're on their eighties and people getting married after 50 years of being together as boyfriend and girlfriend - a lifetime. So if they can make their lives, you will be able too! You're 30, man you haven't lived even half of your life! Be happy the way you are and be open with your family.

There are amazing booklets you can print out, they're as a sticky thread on Support and Advice, the PFLAG booklets can help your family to go over the 5 stages of grief fairly easy.

(*hug*)
Be strong, darling. You can do it.

 

Life is never easy even if you are straight. I don't know if you've heard of Joseph Campbell but he recomends following your bliss whatever that may be. Do the things that make you happy because it is impossible to make everyone else happy.

 

Hi Gareth,

This is my first time here too and some of my situation is similar to yours. My parents are from a very conservative background, and me being an only son does not help matters. As recently as a month ago, I had promised myself that I was going to carry this secret with me to the grave, because I am so afraid of hurting the people around me, the people that I love most. I didn't know what I was going to do about a family, but I somehow knew that it could never happen because I never ever want to hurt any girl's feelings, perhaps one that I may come to love (though not be in love with), and I never want any child to have to deal with this because my parents have never been on the best terms and I know how much it has affected me growing up.

Even though I promised myself that, there had been a few instances when I felt like I needed to find a girlfriend, and I flirted with that idea, but in the end I always couldn't go through with it. My heart was not in it most of the time, I'm not even sure the girls like me that way, and I was afraid to plunge deeper because I didn't want to break someone's heart and probably mostly because I was afraid of being found out.

Among most of my friends, I think I am one of the few who truly believes in true love, in having a family, kids, living happily ever after perhaps. And subconsciously I knew that was never going to happen, and I think this yearning has caused me to go into cycles of depression. I am naturally an introvert and so I don't have many close friends anyway, but I have always felt disconnected to even my good friends in some way, even when I don't want to believe or think about the way I am. Being an only child, loneliness is inevitable but there's always this wall that seems to separate me from everyone else.

And now that I'm almost 24 years old, and almost out of college, and seeing many of my friends get married and settled down. It depresses the hell out of me, because I know that I'll never have what they have. Even though my parents haven't bugged me about it, and I've always kept my thoughts and relationships to myself, I don't know how I'm going to take it when they do start wondering why I haven't found a stable relationship.

Just a week ago, I read a truly wonderful story about true love. I've always tried to dismiss these things as fantasy, probably because I'm really a believer and didn't want to make myself feel worse. But for some reason, maybe it's because the story takes place at the same stage of life that I am in, and even at the same university, I couldn't help but be drawn to it. And ever since I've been consumed by that longing I haven't been able to let go of it and it's making me feel sick. Yet for some reason I keep delving into this and I have even gotten hooked by Luke & Noah's story from As The World Turns on YouTube.

I don't know if I am still in denial. There are occasions when I wonder if I am completely gay as sometimes a girl will walk by and I will start to check her out. I don't know if that is by habit (since I've been so good at lying to others and lying to myself), or if any of that feeling is real. I sometimes feel like telling someone, but even though I think there might be one or two friends I might feel comfortable talking to, I always cannot seem to find the courage and back down at the last minute. I have even started talking to a counselor but even to her I have avoided mentioning this problem. I know everyone thinks it's natural but I feel like such a coward from trying to run away and not face the problem, and it always makes me sick to know how weak I really am.

I am sorry for such a long post, but I guess I am really confused and worried and frustrated. Because of this I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and I'm really tired of dealing with this but I just don't know how to stop. I cannot believe how brave everyone here is, and I'd like to think I can be like you but I'm so afraid of doing something and yet also of not doing anything.

This post has not been easy for me to write and I don't think it's easier for anyone to read it. I don't even know what my purpose is in writing it, how it can even help. I just hope you won't think the less of me after reading it, and thanks for bearing with me.

Jeff

 

I can totally relate to that story, I did the exact same things and I am 23 and I pretty much just accepted the fact that I am gay, the reality is about checking out the girls I find out that if I go and look at them while I can say they're hot I never see myself doing anything with them (which I didnt), one of the turning points for me was having a friend that was gay and showed me that he was happy, and I tough well then maybe is not as bad as I tough it would be.

Whenever I put in my head that I was gay I would be a lot happier you have to scan trough your life and see if you ever had a feeling for a girl and I mean a sexual feeling, lying to others is not really the case in this situation as your really just lying to yourself if you are gay, so you cant lie to others if you believe yourself to be straight.

There isnt much that can be said here really in the end, beside that you should look deep and hard back at your life and try and realize whether or not you are gay, you are an introvert person as you said and so am I, so I know you can spend hours thinking about your life and try and find meaning to everything you do and have done, so I suggest you to do that, and don't be afraid of the result because once you are true to yourself you are just gonna be happier, you are gonna have some troubles after but you can get trough them no problem.

 

Welcome to you too hartfan2! I'm glad you found this site. It gets easier - really! And the fact that you've (almost) come to this conclusion about yourself at your age is great! I subjected myself to an additional 12 years of depression before accepting that I was gay. Hang around here, and get comfortable with the concept. It really isn't such a horrible thing - it's just that it is different from what you always expected your life to be like. Accept it and see the possibilities.

And to you as well - PM me any time if you want to chat more. I know how lonely and isolating it can be...

 

Gareth 'n' Jeff, welcome to EC! You look like you're both dealing with the same sorts of issues. And this is a great place to talk them out, and hopefully work your way through them. You've gotten some good advice and some good pointers above. So I'll just toss my two cents in.

I'm luckier than many, I think. My parents are both very religious, but quite open-minded. Neither ever pressured us kids much to get married, or have kids, or do anything other than live our lives exactly as we felt we should. In addition, I had siblings (a brother and a sister) to take any residual pressure of having kids. So coming out was made quite a bit easier for me. I still was nervous - my parents were still religious after all - but they've been wonderful.

As you both no doubt know, BEING gay isn't a choice. That's how you were programmed. It's part of your wiring. The choice that you DO have is whether or not to LIVE gay. And I don't mean "toss on a rainbow shirt, buy a Prius, and blast Britney". Do you keep it inside, and not tell anybody? Do you tell your parents? Your friends? Do you look for a boyfriend? Do you push it down, and find a wife so your parents and friends won't know?

I'll tell you this. I have yet to hear from any guy who thought he might be gay, got married to either please his parents or to "cure" himself, and later said, "That was the correct choice." Not one. All I've heard are tales of misery from guys who wasted half their life (or more), and from wives who were dragged along for the ride. It ain't pretty. Jeff, you seem to have intuited this - way to go.

My main thought is this - life "out" is easier. Even if the parents aren't approving. There's no lying, no hiding, no wondering if we're "letting it show". There's no forcing ourselves to live in way contrary to our programming. Living in the closet is like forcing yourself to walk on your hands everywhere you go - yeah, you might actually get good at it after a while, but you'll always want to walk on your feet. So do give it a lot of thought. There's lots of love and support on this side of the closet door. No, your life won't be problem-free as an "out" man. But you can focus on the problems that actually matter rather than on the closet ones. Will your parents be disappointed? Possibly. But the only one you're truly answerable to is yourself. You get one lifetime to have a good life for yourself. Do you want to deny yourself something as huge as this because "what would the parents think?"

It's gonna be tough. I won't lie to you. But I think the destination is worth the journey. We're all here for you to help you through it should you decide to give it a go.

Lex

 

Thanks everyone for the replies. I really appreciate them. I don't know if it gets me any closer to some kind of an answer, but the display of support and solidarity does make me feel better a little bit.