Thanks for taking a minute to read my story and to share your advice. I really appreciate all of you and the support of this forum! My coming out process has picked up steam over the past year or so from what was pure denial and non-acceptance of the fact to the point where I feel like I want to put myself into a position of where I can come out and carry on as an honest and happier person. I graduated college about 2 years ago and have been living in a sort of liminal state since then. Neither here nor there and without any clear direction. After graduating, I became unsure about what career path I wanted to choose since my studies didn't particularly lead to one, so instead I chose to do some traveling and working abroad in hopes of finding some sort of direction to follow. While abroad, I found myself disliking the experience immensely while longing for home and for friends and familiarity. After returning home early, moving back and being initially relieved, I found myself without a real plan once again. Just sitting there hurt and burned from the experience I had. I signed a lease to again stay in the college town I've lived in for years now and began just working odd jobs to pay the rent and get by. Not being sure what I was going to do with my life at that point and feeling like I had gotten myself stuck and struggling to get by, I began to break down emotionally and eventually my deep dark issues began to get coaxed out. It was during this difficult year that I began to admit to myself that I was gay. It came from analyzing why I couldn't be happy. Why didn't I enjoy my experience abroad? Why when I got home did I feel equally as suffocated, anxious and apprehensive? The weight of it piled up and I sort of let it come crashing down when it became apparent to me that I had some serious issues that I needed to exercise before I proceeded with anything in life. So now I feel like I have this big weight exposed to my thought process everyday, but I also have more broad life decisions that are added on top of it and it just seems to paralyze me. It stresses me out to think about how to proceed. One of the paths I have looked at and actually applied for leads me to a new city and a new job and new people for a year. But it's away from friends and things that I really like. Instead of that, I could also move back to my small home town and take a more financially secure path and help out some relatives who are begging me to help them in their business, but that option is also one that makes the prospects of coming out difficult to imagine and it would entail living in a small town which I'm not thrilled about- though I do love nature. I could also stay put in this city that I love with friends who I love but friends who know and love the straight me and I could work part time jobs and hope that something pops up. I've been pretty happy doing it and love having the support and fellowship I need around me every day, but also it has been a bit stagnant, suffocated, financially burdened. I don't feel like I'm going anywhere in life here but life is still enjoyable. The first idea of moving to a new, bigger city and taking the new position in a program that has a lot of idealistic, inspiring people in it seems like a romantic opportunity, and I have thought about using it as an opportunity to sort of re-invent myself as a totally honest person and start out as an openly gay man. Maybe coming out right before I leave and starting fresh. I worry about that option because while it's a new job and a new opportunity, it's an Americorps program and only lasts a year and is sort of loose-ended. What if by the end of next year, I'm just sitting there not knowing what to do next? I also worry about how I will handle being away from my friends and all the things I missed so much being in a different country. I absolutely don't want to be homesick like I was, but at the same time I want to pursue the option that will lead me to true happiness and opportunity. It seems so easy to say come out and follow the new opportunity in a new city. But I'm telling out, the last time I tried to push myself in that direction, I just felt so defeated and burned by it that I'm just so unsure. And so I become unsure about all options. I get paralyzed and don't make any progress. I write lists about what I want in life, what makes me happy and how I might get happy. It just seems to add a few more murky clouds to the picture. So what would you do? Take another leap into the unknown pool or play it safe for a while? I've driven myself nuts for the past 6 months pondering the question.:bang:
(*hug*) It definitely sounds to me like you really need a change or two in your life. I think a lot of us have been where you are. On a positive note, you have so many options and possibilities. On the negative, it can get too much and you struggle in a sort of "ocean of choices". It`s a tough spot to be in and I completely understand that at this point you feel a bit paralyzed. That said, the romantic notion of reinventing yourself is both positive and negative. It is positive, because sometimes in life we really do have to make some big changes to get to a place where we can be happy and content with our lives. Reinventions can be sorely needed. It is potentially negative, if you do it under the illusion that it will somehow make everything better. Often we find that we switch out one set of issues and negative feelings for another. Still, it can improve how you feel about your life, just be careful about expecting too much, because that can really lead to a crash. However, like you stated yourself, you have been feeling this for a long time now and spent a great deal of time in that dark space feeling unhappy and non-content, so I definitely think you ought to take some chances, try something new in order to find the right path for you. As long as you do it knowing that it won`t magically change everything about how you feel quickly. It might still take some time and you will still have a few negative experiences. I do not think you should stick around and do odd jobs, and stay the same. You have tried this, it isn`t doing anything for you. So a change is needed. I would put some more thought into it though, with pen and paper (or laptop). What is it you feel you are missing? Love? A purpose? What is it you want from life, and where do you want to be five years from now? Having a clear idea about where you want to end up, makes the path there more clear. If it is love you want, then coming out, or at least change scenery, moving to a bigger city, joining an LGBT organization, participate in events that have something to do with LGBT is a great way to start. Get to know more people, new people, who you can relate to and possibly find love with. There has got to be some kind of LGBT union, organization or such, in either your area, or one of the bigger cities near you. You probably don`t need to move miles and miles away (some of us like staying closer to home). And yeah, I think coming out to your friends and family would help in making you feel more whole, more at ease. It doesn`t feel good, when there`s a part of yourself you always have to hide away. None of us are well-designed to be two people in the same body. If it`s more like a purpose you are seeking, then try to analyze it a little closer. What kind of job did you want when you where younger? What is it you enjoy doing now? Do you want to help people, or do you feel more at ease with machines? There are a lot of career online tests that you can do, to get some inspiration and ideas. Also, if you investigate a little, a lot of places have courses, part time education options, etc, which you can join to get the kind of ... freck, now I cannot remember the english word for it.. proficiency (?) so that you can get a job in a field you could really enjoy working in. I was about your age before I figured out where I belonged, sometimes it just isn`t that easy. But having a job that you can enjoy to at least a certain degree, really helps how we feel about our lives. Also, volunteering, helping others, it can help us switch focus from our negative emotion to positive emotion over helping others, doing good. So I always recommend that as well. I honestly think it sounds to me like taking a chance is what you need right now. Being in that place where you feel your life is standing still, hovering over that same damned dark place is crappy, and it sucks away all joy over things you normally would have enjoyed. So be a little brave, take a chance and remember that your life and your happiness is actually in your hands, and in your power. We can at any point make a change in our lives, even if we feel like we are stuck. Unless our hands are tied, and you are in a cell, you have the power to achieve what you want. As soon as you figure out what you want (*hug*)
