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Coming out is the worst thing I have ever done. Help me.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Colin S, Mar 6, 2013.

  1. Colin S

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    My life is in genuine danger.
    I decided to come out to my mother via note around three weeks ago, at first it seemed fine, I received a text when she found it saying 'I still love you, we need to talk'.
    When I got home she kept asking me why I thought I was gay, I told her that ai had struggled with my sexuality for years and had came to accept myself at around twelve, she didn't buy it, she still thinks I'm straight at heart and that I'm just going through a phase. That was only the first week.
    Over time she has become more and more aggressive, and now shes actively blackmailing me into being straight by threatening to tell my Father, who WILL abuse me, throw me onto the streets or actually, literally, kill me for this.
    She insists that its a choice and I cant take this anymore, I'm contemplating suicide and have fallen into a depressive state.
    Ideally I need a new home, a new family.
    But realistically I need some help, some ideas, some support.
    With all my love.

    A dead man walking.
     
  2. SmokeandMirrors

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    Hey man, your situation has hit me in the heart straight up. I'm definately here to talk to ok?

    Suicide is not the answer, you're worth so much more than that. You've shown amazing courage to accept yourself at 12 (I wish I had that kinda courage back then) and to endure your mum so far. May I ask how old you are now?

    Are their any family members you can turn to? Or perhaps you need to speak to a staff member at school. Your year leader or one of the assistant heads.

    (*hug*) You're never alone, don't forget that.
     
  3. Colin S

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    I'm fifteen now, unfortunately the three years have only made me more cynical and disgusted by the world around me. I cant turn to any family members, theyre all much worse than my mother when it comes to homophobia, and the staff at my school basically ignore the existence of gay students
    I wish I could agree with you, but right now I'm more alone than I've ever felt..
     
  4. Dublin Boy

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    Hi Colin S, this is a telephone help line in the UK Providing free & confidential support & information to lesbian, gay, bisexual & transgendered communities throughout the UK
    HELPLINE 0300 330 0630 (DAILY 10AM - 11PM)

    Another number if you Need to talk?
    Contact ChildLine anytime - calls are free and confidential

    if at anytime you feel you are in danger these services are available in the UK
     
  5. Lexington

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    Your safety is paramount. If you have to lie in order to protect yourself, then that's what you do. Tell your mother you understand, and that you're no longer gay. And every time she asks you, that's what you'll tell her. Keep the porn well-hidden, and the EC link well-hidden. And we'll all be here for you when you need support and encouragement. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  6. therunawaybff

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    No, you are not alone and the staff at the school will not ignore you. I think you're assuming that they will because you are feeling extremely isolated right now, and we closet cases always anticipate the worst because it's what we've been taught by society to expect.

    As for the staff "ignoring" gay students, they're not exactly allowed to single gay students out, you know? But I seriously doubt that there are any students being turned away at your school if they approach a teacher or counsellor for legitimate help. And most school programs are aware that gay rights/safety is a major issue right now.

    Bud, my best advice to you is to make an appointment to see your school counsellor. They are trained to deal with difficult family situations like this, and many of them have resources they can utilize in case the worse does happen.

    But since you're fifteen, it's not like your family can throw you out on the street without bringing serious consequences down on themselves - at your age, that's child neglect, and at that point you can (probably) be moved to foster care if it really is a dangerous situation for you.

    (I'm making major legal assumptions based on the fact that I'm in the US and you're in the UK, but I doubt UK's child abuse laws are less stringent than America's.)
     
  7. SmokeandMirrors

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    sidenote - phew, I misread your post count as age but at least it was spot on when i posted before editing.

    Try and endure. In the grand scheme of things, you've not got very long before you can make plans to get out of there and live independently or with a friend. A year or 2 and then the rest of your life in happiness.

    If you are feeling genuinly threatened and in danger for your safety though, don't hesitate in speaking to the police or somebody similar.

    Your mum may still be going through stages of denial. If you remain true, strong and consistent then she will realise that you are who you are and nothing she can do is going to make you something she's not.

    I'm sorry to hear about the staff at your school. As somebody who's worked in education for 5 years and is qualifying as a teacher this year, I'm surprised that there are still schools where the children do not feel safe enough to approach staff members about personal issues.
     
  8. poopie

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    Well done for being brave but i feel you should of waited until you were like 18 . However it hurts more to be in the closet then out


    P.S im 15 as well if you wanna chat im here
     
  9. Colin S

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    With due respect Smokes, I cant stay resilient to my mothers goading, I already tell her that I'm 'trying to change' to little avail, she still knows I'm gay and wont let go of her badly hidden disgust for me because of it, and to live my life in happiness I'll have to skip on college, which might limit my prospects.
    Bugger it, I'd rather be poor and free than rich and trapped, thanks man, you just helped me make a major decision in my life ^^,
     
  10. therunawaybff

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    So I take it they've never heard of government-funded tuition lending programs in the UK?

    (Which is my roundabout way of saying of COURSE you can go to college, silly. You just might have to pay for it yourself if your parents are unwilling to fund your education after you come out.)

    Oh, and please don't make go making any major life-changing decisions just yet. You are just fifteen cuz, and you've known you were gay for three years. Your mom has only known for three weeks, and she's probably in some SERIOUS denial right now.

    You gotta be patient. Wait it out and see how things develop. Don't go making any rash calls before you scope the entire situation.

    She says she still loves you. I doubt it isn't true.
     
  11. Colin S

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    College is actually completely government funded here, but Id have to get a job to actually live. Not pay for tuition, you silly goose XD
    And full time jobs cut pretty hard into the time I'd have for college
     
  12. SmokeandMirrors

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    of course, know thyself but also know that you have probably got a stash of hidden inner strength knocking about that cost a lot to use but is beneficial for your sanity when you do.

    I agree here. It's great that you can see the bigger picture but, thinking slightly selfishly for yourself, you gotta make sure you are in a stable enough situation to being supporting yourself or at least paying your way somewhere with a friend perhaps.

    Don't write college off either, there's so much still on offer and I'm sure it'll all change (hopefully for the better) in the next couple of years too.
     
  13. therunawaybff

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    Sorry, I live in America, land of the privatized industry and the unwashed, uninformed masses. We don't believe in government-funded education. :lol:

    Can't you just live in the dorms while you're in school? That way you'd only have to have a part-time job for gas, food, entertainment, etc...

    I might be talking out of my ass, obviously I don't know much about the UK school system. But if you really want to go to university, there is nothing that can stop you. You've just got to work the avenues and find the loopholes you need to achieve your goals.

    In other words, if things come to that pass, you're gonna have to hustle a little. But if you work hard and plan carefully, you can still have everything you ever wanted.

    That being said, I'd sit back and see what happens. It might not come to that.
     
    #13 therunawaybff, Mar 6, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2013
  14. SmokeandMirrors

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    :roflmao: that's my line!
     
  15. Live Love Smile

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    If things get too tense at home, do you have friends that you could stay with for whatever length of time you need?

    Is there any teacher or school staff member you'd feel comfortable (at least partially) explaining your situation to? There's always been that really relaxed teacher that's fine to talk to if you need to, at least for me there has been since high school.

    I don't believe that you should have to lie to your parents, or that your parents should be this way at all, but your safety needs to come first. You could try saying that you're trying to get over if and 'straighten out', but gosh, I can't believe your parents!

    Best of luck and stay safe.

    ~L.
     
  16. hkboy93

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    Please do not kill yourself. A lot of us on here (including me) have intolerant and perhaps even bigoted parents. You still have us to talk to. I would try asking your school's headmaster or someone in higher ranking to assist you and perhaps work out a solution should your parents reject you. If you want to talk to another person physically and not be scared you can PM me and we can work from there.
     
  17. Winfield

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    Shizz ive heard of this on the news and stuff but never right infront of me...(the comp)

    everyone has pretty much said it all... ask for help and assistance from those authorative peepz in school.... and 15 is a real young age too... you've got a big future ahead of you...

    and damn!!! the govt pays for tutition? shizz man ... in the US the govt does jack.. even here in aus the govt finances everything for education...
     
  18. Colin S

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    Oh my sweet evil Jesus! The support you guys can give is astounding, I love you all, really, this has brought such a goofy grin onto my face ^^ you're all wonderful, I just hate EC slightly for the no-contact info stuff now cause I would really love to talk to you guys more!
    Still, thanks for caring about this, it means the world to me

    ---------- Post added 7th Mar 2013 at 11:42 AM ----------

    Oh, and just to clear things up for one of the US guys, despite having the actual college being gov-funded, the living areas need to be paid for, we don't typically have campus living arrangements
     
  19. Alaya

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    When you say college do you mean A-levels/BTEC level or University Degree?

    If its university then you can usually live on the maintenance allowance you get from student loans especially if you are savvy in where you choose to go to uni. (Some places are far cheaper to live at than others.) Also you can usually manage on a part time job and as along as you manage your money well and can prove it most universities have some kind of crisis loan system in place. I'm not sure if you would qualify but if you can prove you are independent from your parents (if you did get kicked out for instance) then you can usually get a bit of a bigger loan. On top of this pretty much everyone I go to uni with has a part time job to make up the extra money they may need and their studies don't suffer too much for it.

    If it is level 3 college you're talking about then it is harder but it is possible to find accommodation for students if you live in a university town. I know the year before I moved into my student house the people living here were college students. I'm not 100% sure what financial support is available at college (do they still do EMA nowadays?) but there are finance offices at most colleges where you should be able to get support.

    Also 3 A-levels or a BTEC only comes to around 12 to 16 hours a week and its possible to work around these usually. Even if full time study isn't an option because of needing to work there are always evening classes for A-levels.

    Oh and there is always open university which you can get grants and loans for if you need to work full time in order to live, they are well respected degrees too.

    Sorry this information doesn't help much with your current situation but I'm kind of pro-education and both university and college's are great places to find support from LGBT groups (I'm a bit of a whimp and don't go though!). Most people at uni are pretty accepting as well.
     
  20. CountessAbby

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    You must make the best of a bad situation and thats very hard when you are so young and still dependant on parents. I think there are some very good coping mechanisms in the above posts. Above all, some parents do not "get it" and they for some weird reason seem to think this is a "choice" you made. As my 16 year old gay son says who the HELL would CHOOSE this mom?" Choose to be this way"? You are the way you were born. Find somebody that can help you. A teacher, perhaps one of your friends has a set of open minded parents, a neighbor, someone who seems more open minded and not religious or not super judgemental. There are people all around you who are gay....I am sorry your parents are not supporting you esp your mom. This is not about HER!! This is about you. Please do not seek to harm yourself..your potential is so all about later on when you are older...you have no idea the joys you can experience later on in your life. This is a bump in the road. What doesnt kill us does really make us stronger. 10% of the people are gay on this earth. In a few short years you will resolve things. If you feel you ARE in danger find a school friend whoh as nice parents and maybe live with them? A shelter? Anyplace is better then being in danger.