Hey, I have some concerns and need help. 23 male. I'm currently seeing a psychologist and he's helping me as we'll. as long as I can remember I've been attracted to girls and the female body and everything. Up until recently after I broke off a fling with a friend of mine, who wanted more like a relationship and I didn't have the same feelings more than that. It was after this, I felt bad and wanted to have more feelings for her and a thought "what if I'm gay?" Randomly popped in my head and I've been obsessing over it since. I've dated a few people. And they were overall good relationships. When I was 17 I fell in love with a girl and we dated for 6 months and she broke it off for her ex. I was extremely upset for a long time Well she ended up keeping me on the side and using me basically. This lasted for years and at the time was naive and didnt care, but she never wanted to fully commit to me. It was like a movie feelings is the best way to describe how i felt about her. I had one actual relationship after that one a year ago and it was great until she told me she loved me. I was still kinda torn between her and the girl who screwed me over. I've always been a "what if" worrier ever since I can remember. Even in elementary and middle school. I think I get it from my mum. She's neurotic in that sense. When I first started drinking I made out a lot, that was like age 15 or 16. (That's all we did when we drank lol) i first got drunk, and made out with a guy who grabbed me (he was gay) and didnt think twice about it. Made out with another guy who we always partied together and these girls asked us too. So we did and it was whatever thought nothing of it. During high school I went through different phases and dressed I guess you'd say"emo" I wore tight pants and had long hair, and always got made fun of and called gay. I've always been very open to gay rights and support it and I feel that's why because i felt the kinda discrimination and not even being gay myself. I've described how I'm feeling to my psychologist and he thinks I have some purely obsessional and intrusive thoughts along with a lack of self esteem and were working on that. A year or two ago I swore I had herpes and got tested and obsessed over blemishes on my penis and saw dermatologists who basically laughed at me saying nothing was there. Now after I had that what if I'm gay thought, I'm constantly looking at everyone and saying well i don't have feelings for her I must be gay or if I happen to notice a guy, il think I must be gay. It feels almost exactly how it was when I swore I had an std, constantly googling and looking up how to tell if you're gay and looking at all kinda porn and I feel like my sex drive is just gone completely with all this anxiety. Looking into my past and trying to check my reactions to people. I think about kissing those guys and don't remember feeling any arousal and it being just that - kissing. But when I'm having sex with a girl, I just want to constantly kiss them and love how it feels with them and being close with em. I just feel confused because I don't have these great relationships like all my friends do. Which they seem to jump into relationships with ease while I'm too intimidated or think ill be laughed at or embarass myself with girls. Ill mention that most these girls I've dated, I was always too shy to make the first move Sorry if this is scattered and horribly written, I just don't understand this thought randomly when I've always been confident and secure with my sexuality
I just want to feel normal again and be in aj happy relationship like my friends all seem to have. When I'm in a relationship with someone recently, I constantly question whether I love them or what. Even if days before I was confident in my feelings for them. Constant self doubt. Ill eventually just accept in my head I'm no good for them. Then feel miserable after breaking it off. I've watched gay porn occasionally, its not the first thing I look for but if I come across it I don't get grossed out or anything. I've watched random shit when I was younger, like beasitality and at the time my hormones were raging and everything got me off. My ex used to tell me she watched lesbian porn, but we had amazing sex. I have always felt more feminine than I should as a man. Raised by mum, always hung out with girls. Had guy friends but after high school I feel I have a harder time making guy friends. I don't know if all this is because of my self confidence or what but I shouldn't be. I have a great job, great looks, great friends, but in the back of my mind I always gave this thought that I'm not good enough.
