1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

please help im so confussed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by young87, Mar 7, 2013.

  1. young87

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2013
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    brisbane, australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    so i guess these sort of post would normally come from new members and im not exception. i just really need to get this out and hear your advice. its a very long story so i apologise in advance but these are all the things that run round in circles in my head.

    well it started when i was young. i grew up in a small town n i grew up with a close friend who was only a year older than me. i always concidered him like my brother n we used to do everything together, you know normal kids stuff. it felt like we were im your stereotypical kids buddy movie having sleep overs, going off on adventures round the town. as we got to early puberty we were both very succesful with the girls n would talk about growing up n the dream girl we'd marry n how good our boys would be at playing footy all that normal stuff. one day when my parents were going out n my sister wasnt home we were innocently watchin tele when my parents were heading out the door n my dad told us to enjoy the night n told us secretly he'd left us a present. mum n dad left n we raced to my room n saw a porn video n magazines on my bed.
    in my family i always seemed to drift towards my mum n my sister n felt dad was always worried i was "a little poof", which he would constantly use to taunt me with "come on dont be a girl" or "dont cry about it ya little poof" etc.
    so, when we saw the porn i felt like this was dad pushin me towards what constitites sexual desire but me n my friend happily dove into the material n as is most young boys early reaction to xxx explicit content was shock n wonder n excitement. we raided the cupboards im my mum n dads room n found his large stash of porn. any young teen boys dream.
    me n my mate started to get into a routine of any chance we had my house alone we would break out the porn, which eventually leading us to jerking off. that started out as purely only one of us could be in the room then that rule was relaxed to just no looking at the others cock but during a normal sleepover one night my friend n i were wondering what getting head would feel like as we had barely discovered masturbation we hadnt a clue n when my friend asked me if i would suck his cock i was shocked to say the least but after a period of discussing how "it wouldnt be gay" there i was doing as he asked. then this lead to every sleepover the same thing give n recieve but "its not gay".

    after i had moved from that small town to the larger 'city' just 10-15min drive away our friendship dissapeared. we were now in mid high school n the social circles changed n my older sister was in the cool group so therefor i had this sibling duty to be popular too n i quickly became good friends with the popular crew of guys n fell
    into that social circle of parties, surfing, drinking, smoking n picking up chicks.
    i was fairly succesful at this n had girlfriends of and on, summer romances the whole normal "jock" type excistence, im good at sports, like cars, all the normal bloke stuff but also always had a very creative, artsy, nerdy background n always felt like with my mates that i was the friend n they were the "leader".

    everything in my life was normal except for this one dark secret but i had started to notice that to most girls i was just "the friend" n that dreaded friend zone still is like a curse on my life. anyways now the real painful memories...theres is a nude beach in my home town n everyone knew, as most nude beaches are, it was filled with gay men prowling the beach. it also was a good surf spot that was rarely used for the fear of the naked men. it was kept between to other beaches n a lot of national park bushland with long windy rocky paths but that didnt deter me. i would ride from one end of town to the other along the beaches n wouldnt let some nude men stop my path, plus because of earlier events i felt kind of drawn to it n was well facinated with wondering what other cocks looked like. i had seen pornstars n they were huge n my friend had a pretty sizable one aswell n being only a 6.5incher i was startin to become concerned.
    i would see a nudist male hanging about every now n then but they would generallybe trying to keep unseen at the treeline of the beach for its not a legal beach. eventually i didnt take notice, other people used to jog the beach so i figured hey who cares. then one day as i was carrying my bike up the very very steep steps that run up the southern hillside of the beach a man offered me a hand to carry it up. he was nice enough so we chated as we wound up through the jungle/forest path. he mentoned he needed to piss n said he was just going to duck up a narrow worn in side path. now alarm bells were ringing, im not a complete retard, i knew that something was up n then he asked me if i needed to pee n for some reason i followed him. what happened next i dont remember well but i remember being struck over the head n being raped by knifepoint.

    obviously this has messed me up i was 15 at the time and im now almost 26 n i still am a constant mess from this. since then my head spins constantly, my luck with the girls got worse, i was always depressed or angry and i often felt the desire to go back to that beach. the only way i cam explain it is that i was almost magnetically drawn there. i would start walking in this blur n suddenly i would be there on the beach searchin for men. the strange ego boost i got from being there was exciting as all i would need to do is take my shirt off and men would be all stalking around me instantly.

    i know this has been massive and detailed so ill wrap it up quick. this behaviour has continued since and the circle of this self hatred keeps happening where im drawn to gay sex spas n porn. thing is i do love women, i look at them n want to kiss n lick every inch of their bodies when im with a girl n we kiss n cuddle i feel a sense of relief n joy m happyness n i feel those sparks of affection were i fall in love...but im the back of my mind i always have these sexual thoughts about men, watch gay porn a lot etc. i can see when a man is attractive, everyone knows why brad pitts a hot guy, but i dont get that feeling of wanting to lick every inch of a man or caress n cuddle wit him but i am facinated by cock n gay sex m how free sexually gay men are to be open n explore. i am very good in bed with women n love fucking them n licking them n in the end i lay back satisfied but with men instant self hatred kicks in and i wanna run away n hide. but i dont know if this is because of the way society programs you to think of gay sex or if its because i only want men from a fucked up phycological reason.

    please help i dont know wat to think any more n i am scared of being in a relationship incase i end up hurting someone n im afraid cause i feel like it will destroy every relationship n friendship i have for i hear what my friends n family say n feel toward gay men but i also dont want to live my life missing the oppertunity to live happy n free within myself. please help.
     
  2. SaleGayGuy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2013
    Messages:
    612
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Manchester, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi young87

    Welcome to EC, I am sorry to hear of what happened to you as a kid, did you get any counselling at the time or did you keep this to yourself?

    I myself don’t feel qualified to offer advice as I am new to this forum but in the 2 months I have been a member I have chatted and joined more discussions on this web site than I have done in the last 8 years on other sites, it’s a fantastic open, understanding, and non-judgemental place to be. I am sure that you will find someone on here to guide you.

    Last year I was stunned when my 80yo mum told me that when she was a child she was abducted on her way to school and sexually abused, and to make matters worse her dad was so ashamed that he made the family move to a new village. I had always noted that my mum was not a touchy-feely sort of mum and now I think her childhood experience is to blame.

    So I would encourage you seek the advice freely given on this site. I know your post was a long one, some of mine have also been long, but I think it helps others get to know you and gives them the opportunity to give better advice. I myself have found it very therapeutic and liberating to get my feelings out and be completely honest even though initially it’s to a bunch of strangers, but over time those strangers become friends.

    You said in your post talking of sex with men “but with men instant self hatred kicks in and i wanna run away n hide ”, it may be helpful to others to know how you felt immediately before the feelings of self-hatred kicked in, did you enjoy what you were doing?


    Sale Gay Guy
     
    #2 SaleGayGuy, Mar 7, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2013
  3. PeteNJ

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2012
    Messages:
    855
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    NJ
    Young 87

    Your story is even painful for me to read, that you were attacked and raped. You didn't deserve that, it shouldn't have happened to you.

    I'm sorry and sending hugs doesn't begin to convey the words that I would like to say.

    I urge you to seek out a therapist that specializes in working with people like you who have been victimized.

    In terms of questioning your sexuality and your friend... that's going to be the other work in your life.

    I so wish you healing and acceptance. Keep posting here.

    Pete
     
  4. SaleGayGuy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2013
    Messages:
    612
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Manchester, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi young87

    I think, what I think Pete hinting at is right, and that is your attack and your sexuality are not directly related, they are in fact two different things and that one is not the cause of the other and vice-versa.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  5. young87

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2013
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    brisbane, australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    yea i enjoy being with men there is a rush that it brings. i often try and think about my life with a man and my life with a women. with a man the thought of the pure sexual relationship is something that does feel exciting and i dont mean to be rude but i do really get turned on from c**k and gay sex but i wonder what a relationship wit a guy would be like. i kind of just think that it would be like hanging wit a mate but whenever u get the urge you would indulge. i think it would be quite comfortable and an easy going life where you could explore n travel n be sexually satisfied where ever u go. the pressure of a straight relationship isnt there for me.
    i mean like when i think of a straight relationship i often start to get spooked about the pressure of having a future. my parents split up right after i was raped. i started to party a lot n smoke a lot of weed n went outta control for a while. the night i was brought home by the cops, well, after the events of that night it finally put too much pressure on their relationship n they seperated. before those events i wanted to marry young raise a family n settle down but honestly since then all i can think is that if im with a women then no matter wat eventually im going to destroy the relationship. if i keep whats happened to me a secret then i can never fully love n be myself n it will always be something that will eat away at me, and on the other hand if i do tell her then when? and i can only imagine that telling anyone that sort of news would shatter their perception of the person you once were to them. its hard enough in this world to find love n someone to accept you fully as you are let alone when you have such a dark past. now kids n marriage scare me for i dont want to end up at 40 with kids n then all of a sudden come out. i dont mean to b rude to anyone who has gone through that but ive been hurt so much in my life n i wouldnt want to bring my pain n my scars into someones life n no matter what if i want to have a true n honest n open relationship with the love of my life i will have to burden them with my pain.
    plus its not just a one of event, since then i continue to be drawn to men like they are the only place i can feel accepted for a moment. there were other gay carparks n toilet blocks in the town n all of a sudden because of my mind seeking it out i was exposed to a whole new world that only few know of n most would be shocked to know. now everywhere i go i see that world n can find it almost anywhere ive been. i have now easily had far more sexual encounters with men then with women.
    i dont know, i keep telling myself that i like women n when i look at a beautiful women my brain melts in awe of every part of her but i find myself in sexual situations wit men constantly n even if its for a short moment or a long encounter i feel like the men enjoy me n they are aroused n excited by my body n im really turned on by that whole idea but with women i feel like im not good enough n that i could never be good enough in any womens eyes n she could never accept me for everything. ive heard it said before a lot that 'its ok for two women to fuck, thats hot, but two men is just gross'...again dont mean to offend but that is pretty much the exact line two previous girlfriends have used plus friends n relatives.
    so in the end i feel like i have no other choice but to live a gay life for it is something i fantasise about n think id enjoy n its the only place id feel accepted even with my damage. it also might explain a lot about my past relationships etc. but then on the flip side i think is that all because of what happened to me? if i come out n say im gay theres no turning back on that n what if i missed having the perfect wife n kids n live the fairytale movie ending.
    im so confussed :frowning2:

    also yes i have gone to a few shinks since it took me until the third one to open up about this n even then there advice was the whole 'well what do u think' technique. i didnt tell anyone about it for years. it was only a few years ago i had to open up to my sister n my mum because i couldnt continue to blame the pain on other things n it destroyed the both of them when i told them. what i feared most from telling them has come true, i know they will always love me but the pain i have shared with them burns bright in their eyes whenever i see them n the way they treat me, whilst with good intention, is different n clearly effected by what i have told them n it hurts me to see that pain n that knowledge within them as i swore to take my pain to the grave, turns out thats a long way away.

    also im sorry if i offend anyone with what i have said, this is a true and honest description of my life n the world i am in. this is all really hard to say but i have to say it n ur support is very much appreciated
     
  6. skiff

    skiff Guest

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2013
    Messages:
    2,432
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Peabody, MA - USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Offend? Hell buddy we are here to help and support. Very happy to listen, get it out.

    I understand and have lived parts of your story.

    It brings back a very old story... Me and a friend were in the woods only 10-12 years old. It ended with some older boys demanding we give them blow jobs and them walking us naked down the railroad tracks with one of them policing our asses with a machete.

    It was scary at the time but I give it no weight in affecting me in the long run. My sexuality was always my sexuality. That was just something that happened.

    I have never considered that day important to my life. Man, I had forgotten all about that.

    Stuck
     
  7. SaleGayGuy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2013
    Messages:
    612
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Manchester, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks Young87 for the reply with additional details.

    I have to admit to shedding a few tears when I read that your parents split up right after you were raped, that’s terrible just when you needed them most, when you needed them to be strong for you they showed weakness, and you should in no way feel responsible for that.

    You said “its hard enough in this world to find love n someone to accept you fully as you are let alone when you have such a dark past.” What happened to you was terrible but to me, and I think others, the phrase “a dark past” implies that you did something bad which was not the case, you were the victim. Words can have very powerful impact on ourselves and the way we think, although you may view it as a dark period in your life I think if you can find a different set of words to describe this period, making it clear you were the victim, it may well be helpful.

    Some years ago I had a young guy work for me who had suffered sexual abuse when he was a kid and it had caused him problems when he was older, but none of his work colleagues thought any less of him because he had been raped. On the contrary we felt that he showed strength in admitting what had happened to him as a kid.

    Bad things have happened to me and when I catch myself thinking of them I try to imaging I am watching the events on an old black & white TV at some distance so that it’s a small and grainy picture rather than a HDTV full colour 40” screen. I then imagine the TV being switched off and the picture getting smaller and smaller and dimmer and dimmer until it has disappeared into a small dot.

    As I said before I am not a trained councillor so I will leave my thoughts on the rape aspect of your post to others who may have more insight. I know you are not the only guy on here who has been raped and later went on to question his sexuality.

    Moving on : From what you have said about sex with guys vs. girls it sounds to me that you are at least BI probably leaning more to gay but are being held back by societies views on homosexuality.

    I think you really need to resolve your sexual identity and be completely comfortable with it before thinking of a relationship with a woman. I am 53yo and married for 25 years and am going through all sorts of mental anguish at the moment so I would not want anyone else to go through this believe me.

    I know you will find many posts on here that will offer guidance so enjoy the site and explore. Perhaps have a look at some of the coming out later threads to gain a glimpse of a future that you would best be advised to avoid.

    Also don’t be afraid to be graphic, I think we all appreciate an honest “tell it as it is” approach, as long as it won’t offend a younger reader, and I found it easier to say things on here that I would not have said to my therapist.

    I have to get on with some work now but I will keep an eye on this thread.

    Sale Gay Guy

    P.S. You said you are 26 but I did not catch where in the world you are from and it will be helpful perhaps to others offering advice to know this.

    PPS. I have given you access to my photo, so if you click on my user name you can see whi you have been talking to.
     
    #7 SaleGayGuy, Mar 7, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2013
  8. SaleGayGuy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2013
    Messages:
    612
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Manchester, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi Young87

    I forgot to say that it’s encouraging that you are actively thinking about what a relationship would be like with a guy rather than just focusing on the sex, and that you think it would be comfortable and relaxed. I myself just love the idea of waking up in the morning with a real cute guy snuggled up next to me, that’s even more appealing than just sex.

    I see also that you have had more sexual encounters with men women and that you enjoy them so it really sounds to me that you are more gay than bi. Although I now consider myself gay even though I am married I still look at beautiful women but in a different way, a non-sexual way.

    If you do want kids and are gay there is nothing to stop you adopting or using a surrogate mum if you live in a country where that’s possible, so you don’t miss out on the family thing.

    Sale Gay Guy
     
  9. young87

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2013
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    brisbane, australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    when i refer to a 'dark past' i think that way for i have seeked out gay sex a lot since. i have seen the pain that it causes those close to me just to hear i was a victim but i dont feel like anyone will understand why ive gone back, im not sure if i understand myself. im only interested in a gay relationship with older men as in my mind they are the only ones who appreciate me n want me n it comes hard for me to believe anyone else could like me or find me attractive.
    when i think of a relationship with a man i imagine waking up to a hard cock next to me, picture going on long drives or holidays with a hard cock next to me, picture spending days at nude beaches, gay spas n clubs, going to gay orgies n spending most our time at home naked n having sex. i find those submissive thoughts very arousing but im unsure if that stems from whats happened to me n that event creating a daddy complex of which i feel the only time im truely accepted is when physically pleasuring an older man?
     
  10. skiff

    skiff Guest

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2013
    Messages:
    2,432
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Peabody, MA - USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Nope. You are gay. The incident was simply coincidental. If not you it would have been the next guy on the stairs. You were the innocent.

    I posted on your wall.

    Nothing wrong or shameful about being straight, bi, or gay. It is simple natural variation in biology.

    Your dreams sound normal to me. Though I would pass on the orgies. I just need one man. Ha, ha, ha.

    Coincidence buddy. Simple coincidence.
     
  11. young87

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2013
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    brisbane, australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    also once that sexual act is finished with a man my mind instantly goes into denial with thoughts like 'why did i just do that' 'you dont enjoy it you were just horny' 'nothing about that was fun' but then later i start to convince myself that i did like it and next time i will enjoy it more. in the heat of passion its like my brain clicks into 'gay brain' to rationalise whats happening n i enjoy it and become 'the young sub' but immediatly after my 'straight brain' comes kicking n screaming back n that self hatred spirals outta control.

    ---------- Post added 8th Mar 2013 at 08:05 AM ----------

    i feel like if the social issues werent around id be bisexual as i really to love licking pussy n pleasuring a women but i also kind of feel that being bi is worse than being either gay or straight. for women the idea of bisexuality is something most men would welcome
    their partners to have but from every thing ive heard the other way around women find men on men gross n i struggle to think that anyone would understand. it seems an easier issue to go to my mates, who are like a close group of brothers but anti gay im a way most straight men are, and say i like men i dont know what it is but since a child, and its not a choice it the way i was born. which is what most straight people can resolve in their minds. to going up as bi and saying hey i love women there are beautiful in everyway n sexy n all that but i like to take cock as well. the one thing most straight males try to avoid thinking about if one of there mates came out as gay. i feel like being gay would be accepted but being bi would just be viewed as sexually deviant

    ---------- Post added 8th Mar 2013 at 08:12 AM ----------

    also if i tell people im bi or even whats happened i feel like if i was then i date, fall in love and marry a women everyone would just think its a cover up. i feel that way introducing my mother n sister to new girlfriends now after they know whats happened. i just feel like their happyness for me isnt genuine n they really just worry that im covering.
     
  12. young87

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2013
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    brisbane, australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    really questioning things because i have been on gay dating sites n have found a guy who would be perfect if i was gay and he is showing a lot of interest but im also talking to a women from work who is perfect for me if i were straight but i feel like i may be getting friend zoned by her. but i keep this desperate thought of 'if i could just be happy in a relationship with a girl i concider perfect than everything will be normal' but im also not an asshole n dont want to just use her as a test subject. so these are the stupid arguments that circle my head all day :frowning2:
     
  13. skiff

    skiff Guest

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2013
    Messages:
    2,432
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Peabody, MA - USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Every guy shuts down after orgasm sexually speaking. There are biological processes that need to recharge. You are taking that shut down as a signal that something is wrong. Society has programmed this shame into you. Not yours. Give it back.

    You may be bi on a journey to gay or bi and fixed but I would never label you straight.

    You are young... Experiment safely. You will figure it out.

    Don't over think it, just use safe sex and learn about yourself.
     
  14. Winfield

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2008
    Messages:
    362
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    VIC 3000
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    sorry to hear about your past ...thats some crazy shizz...

    maybe your bi?

    or like me? im gay but would rather f%&* chicks over dudes...