Comming-Out-Letter to Mum

So, last night I couldn't find sleep and after a long time of rolling aroung in bed I got up and decided to write a Coming-Out-Letter to my Mum to ease my mind.
Now I'm not planning on giving the letter to her anytime soon, I still want to talk to her personally when I'm ready to do so, but I think the letter is good as some sort of backup plan.

I decided to share it here and perhaps get some hints or suggestions for improvement.
So here's the translated letter (the original are 3 pages, handwritten and in german):

Spoiler

Dear Mum


There is something, that moves and depresses me for a long time now and I wanted to tell you since a long time. But until now I just couldn't bring myself to do so, thats why I wrote this letter. I want you to take your time. Read it thoughtfully - perhaps more then once. And then perhaps you should sleep over it.
Thereafter we hopefully can talk about it and I will try to answer all the questions you will probably have.

You will have noticed that I haven't had a girlfriend til now. This is because I'm not into women. I'm Gay.
Perhaps this comes as a shock, perhaps you already suspected it. In any case, please keep calm (or calm down).
You will probably need some time to process and understand all this and hopefully come to terms with it. Take as much time as you need, I myself needed many years to do so and I'm not sure I've accepted it totally even now.

I suspected that I'm somehow different, that something is "not right" with me as early as the 5th or 6th grade. But at first I didn't know what it was, or I didn't want to know.
I didn't want it to be true and I persuaded myself it's just a phase and would somehow go away. I repressed my homosexuallity (and it worked fine for a long time). I secluded myself and I wondered: Why me?
I haven't got an answer to this and presumably there will never be one. It just is as it is.
It's not due to upbringing or something, so don't blame yourself there's no reason to do so. Nobody is "at fault". It just is as it is. I am as I am. And we have - I have - to cope with it.
I successfully surpressed it for a long time. I only started to deal with the issue after I graduated.
And I only started to accept this part of me, when I moved out to study. And until now I'm still in the process of accepting.
You see, I took a long time, so take as long as you need.

I want to reassure you, I'm still the same
I'm not somebody else now, just because I'm gay. That I have also been before. The only difference is, that now you know it. That now I can be open and honest, and don't have to hide this anymore. At least I hope so.

You know It can be quite difficult and painful, not to be able to talk to anybody about what moves you deep inside. There were times, when this faded from the spotlight. Then ther were times when I couldn't concentrate on anything else and had difficulties sleeping.

I would rather tell you in person, but I lack the courage. Nonetheless it's important for me that you know, so the letter. I just have to find the courage to give it to you.

I know, you love me and did everything for me and were there for me. I want to thank you for all this.
I hope nothing will change and you can accept me as I am.


I love you,
Markus


PS:
I wrote this to you because I want you to know, not anybody else. So please especially don't tell Hans. I don't want him to know. After all he did he has no right to it.

I know it isn't the best piece of literature, but it served its purpose to ease my mind. After I brought this to paper I felt better, like a huge weight was taken from my chest and I slept quite well.

 

Thank you.
Yeah, I don't want to send that letter to her, because I'd rather tell her in person, I just don't know when I'll finally do it. Also she's not the first person I want to tell, that would be my brother.

Your Out-Status says you're out to your mom. Did you then tell her in person if you couldn't send the letter?

I'm not sure how long writing took me I think it was about 45 min

Hans is my dad's name. We don't really get along and I deliberatly didn't write dad.
He's just an asshole and I don't really understand how my mom can still live with him. He's a drinker. Sometimes there are months when he doesn't drink a drop, then he is drunk for days or even weeks. He already lost two jobs because of it and he also becomes agressive when drunk.
He never hit anybody or hurt one physically but he yells and curses and threatens. He also smashes things like the glas-door to the kitchen or living room or furniture. Once he smashed the TV because my brother and I didn't listen to one of his drunken rants. He also kicked both my brother and me out of the house before with no real reason at all. I mean I wasn't really living at home anymore (I moved out to study not long before as did my brother before he was kicked out) but normally we would come home every weekend. This was also at the end of semester so there were exams (I'm pretty sure failing in math has a good deal to do with being kicked out) and there was break ahead. I was only allowed to come home about 4 weeks later after he took his care-dependent mother in and my mom said there was no way she would live with them and I wouldn't.
He also got drunk the day my other grandma died last december and my mom was devastated as well as every Christmas for at least the last 10 years. They all ended in tears.
I don't know how he feels towards LGBT-topics or how he would react if I told him I was gay but he already made my life a hell. When I was about 12, my brother 11, he told the both of us he sets some kind of reward (I'm ot sure about the sum anymore I think it was 50 000 DM (25 000 €)) for the first of us who brought him a grandchild and he always says I don't do this for me or for you but for my grandchildren to come. Just think how this made me feel.
Last year when my grandma died and later on Christmas and all hollydays he just overdid it, that was the last straw and I don't consider him my dad anymore.

Sorry for the rant but i think I had to get this out of my system

 

I have entirely no idea what she thinks on LGBT-people or issues, since we live in a village in a rather rural area and there are no LGBT-people around at all (I at least don't know anybody).
I also have no idea how coming out to her would go, but I'm pretty sure that in the end she will still love me as her son