Kinda know the answer but... [long]

Okay, this will probably be a long story so if you don't want to read it feel free to read something else. But it helps me a lot to write out what bothers me for some reason- yet I'm not sure I want to keep a journal, lest should someone come into my room and stumble upon it.
I posted this, albeit in several parts on the ### forums but this forum seems a bit more specialised.

Backstory: I grew up in a rather conservative environment, never actually met someone openly gay (or even heard of). I liked girls, but even though I didn't yet admit it, I liked guys more. I'm not sure about the exact date, but in my first year of high school (or before that) I was already a bit 'familiar' with gay :***: (and straight as well). It was only later that I registered on LMAO (before the name change) and enjoyed it. And all the time, I fantasized more about guys, while still trying to like girls. I did find them attractive, but that was it. They were somewhat of a turnon, but not as much as guys.

So fast-forward four years of high school and my first girlfriend in 12th grade (actually it was a 'planned' thing by some friends and I just went with it...). I tried my best but in the end I gradually broke contact because I didn't want to make her unhappy- it was mostly when I realised I was 99% gay. We still talk a lot, no hard feelings. I'm glad I didn't do anything hurtful.

And I finally arrived to college, hopefully abroad (Germany) away from family and most people I knew. Unfortunately, there are a few friends (and a lot of conationals) so I couldn't just come out as I once intended to. Instead I just kept checking guys out more and more. I just looked and pretended to be looking somewhere else if they noticed.

With this guy though, it was different. A lot of times when I'd look, he'd look back. I was unsure at first and turned away quickly. Of course I still glanced, but for a while I was trying to keep it discrete. Then after a while, everytime I'd see him on the hallways, at dinner, in courses etc. I'd spot him (for some reason :icon_bigg) and look at him. 90% of the time he'd look back. I was worried people might notice, but I didn't ruin the game.

Our groups of friends barely overlapped so I didn't see him that much (or had dinner/lunch at the same table) except for a few occasional 'study groups' (a.k.a. do the homeworks). Towards the end of the semester though, after my hatred of facebook that most people laughed about, I joined so I could get his IM and chat. Stupid things people do...

Winter holidays were okay, we talked a few times, but not that much. I was away a lot, he was too, so we got to second semester. That's mostly when we started chatting a lot, doing homeworks together more often etc. For about two weeks or so it was okay, with occasional 'subtle hints' in my messages. I mostly have song lyrics for my status messages, so once when I had something sad he asked a few questions, including "is it a girl? / or a boy...". I got a weird vibe from that, but I just pretended he hadn't asked that.

A few days later we had sort-of a 'special traditional celebration'- he gave me (along with a lot of other people) a small 'gift'. I gave him something too, done at a workshop the night before, for the occasion. [Sorry I'm not giving away too many details, but I just don't feel like it would help.]
I had come out to a friend already since returning to the uni (she kinda liked me so I wanted it not to be so awkward anymore), and while talking to another friend over IM (actually, the only openly gay person I know) he suggested that I should wait for a couple weeks before 'dropping the bomb' [his words...].

Unfortunately, things didn't really go as planned because while I'm usually nervous and get stressed easily, lack of sleep combined with caffeine sometimes has devastating effects. I gave him the 'gift' sometime after noon, talked to him for more than half an hour in front of his room (he had to go to a tutorial), right next to the servery, with everybody passing by. My friend later told me she saw me but went up the stairs quickly (heh :lol.

So, after only a few hours, while I was chatting [yes, again...] I couldn't keep it all in anymore and wrote him a long message saying everything (how I liked him, how he seemed to be blind etc.). I logged off after that (not knowing he was off to dinner) and only got back on about two hours later. He just said he needed some time to clear his head (which was about an hour). His answer was that he knew it, but he didn't believe it [huh? I wasn't giving mixed signals, I was as obvious as I could be!]. I asked if we could at least be friends and hang out and do homeworks together, but he said he didn't want 'just friends'. [His words, not mine!] Then he said he needed some air, so I tried to do the same hoping to see him [gah! :/]. I did see him at the end of a hallway I was passing by, but I realised it wouldn't do any good. So I took some air myself, saw him a couple times around campus but tried not to look. [Fresh air really helped, should try it more often.] I wondered who he seemed to be going to, but I've no idea. [And I don't care, really.]

He got back a while later than I did (I was cold) and I tried talking to him but he said he was nervous. In the end I just went to his room (about 3am) and he kinda agreed to go talk for a bit. The main thing he asked was 'How did you know I liked guys?'. My response was 'Probably the way you looked back...'. [Although right now the word Gaydar comes to mind.] He later mentioned he hadn't really noticed me during first semester and that he just usually looked at people like that. (Didn't seem like it to me, but oh well...) It wasn't a long conversation, because he said he needed to get some sleep (He sleeps early, I'm a night owl... oh well.)

We barely talked/chatted/saw each other for the next week, unlike the previous two weeks. Then he asked me to meet him alone, but he kept saying 'You don't have to come if you don't want to'. I thought he wanted to say he was sorry or something, but we just talked and he said 'You started this, you're going to end it.' It took a while to work up the courage to kiss him (first guy, second person ever...). After that he went to sleep (again, late for him ... :dry: ) and he told me that 'Nobody must know about this.'

He went to CeBIT the next day, and I didn't find a cheap ticket quickly enough so I just went on a trip to Hamburg I had planned for a couple weeks. [The reason why I had chosen not to go to CeBIT was so I would be away from him. - It hurt that he had barely talked to me in a week.] My friend (the girl I was out to) was also on the trip and asked me why I was so happy- I just told her everything and she said I shouldn't be over excited because he might not be feeling the same way. [Oh, I just wish I had listened to her earlier.]

Next thing I know, he has mumps and he's in bed for a full week. I didn't see him since Sat night until Mon, 8 days later. I kept asking him if I could visit him but he said he didn't want that. I told him I missed him and I wanted to see him a bunch of times... He only said 'I want to see you too' once.

So on Monday while chatting to him [yes, again] I asked if he'd want anything from the mall, and he said he'd join me. Needless to say I was happy (he hadn't mentioned he wasn't sick anymore). His tonsils were inflated though (he said he'd go to the doctor the next day). He didn't behave any differently than he would have behaved with any other person. Just shopping, and back to campus.

Since then, I've seen him once at lunch (he walked by and said 'I'm going to sit over there' - I said 'Whatever'). He walked by at dinner- I turned around because I was curious who the person in front of me was talking to, and I saw him pass by at lunch today. On Tue I uninstalled Skype and deleted him off Yahoo, so I don't have any ways to double click on him and talk to him. He's never started a conversation, and I think I'm just seeing what I want to see. He's always cold, never the least bit affectionate and apparently doesn't care that we've seen each other for more than a glimpse three times in the past three weeks.

The only thing I'm wondering is- how can I make this not hurt so much? I think about him and it does more harm than good because he obviously doesn't. It feels good to get that off my chest yet again, but I still need to be able to move on somehow. I was almost ready two weeks ago, but I can't help being impulsive.

Again, sorry for the long read and for any incoherencies/grammar mistakes/anything that might make the above hard to read. I hate proofreading, hope it's clear enough.

 

Well, I guess I'll just have to update this...

He finally IMed me... on Saturday and asked me if I was avoiding him. He pretended to be upset and tried to make me feel bad, as if I'd ruined everything. Good thing about it was that I had a friend (that's been going through some rough times as well) online and she kept my spirits up a bit. I did my best to be polite, but he was very blunt (not very different from the usual, mind...).

On Sunday then, after a few hours of walking around town with another friend- who could see I wasn't feeling all well and eventually persuaded me into telling her (which I wanted to do anyway). She brought some sense into me and told me the only thing I could do was talk to him face to face.

So, after a while persuading him, he said 'Okay, if you want me to explain everything so badly, come to my room.'. So I went and he told me that in every relationship he "loses interest". And he kept his idea of not seeing anyone while he was sick and still thought I was wrong to be upset over that. Anyway, after some more bullshit he said I couldn't take it anymore so I left. He said "You don't understand". I shouted across the hallway "You don't either...".

Then he continued the conversation on yahoo telling me that he would have told me everything if I hadn't left. I just said I left because I wanted to control myself. So I went back after 15 minutes and he kept on rambling... which made me feel really bad.
And all the time he couldn't just talk to me, instead he was talking to someone on skype as well and working on a homework. I went back to my room and 15 minutes later I couldn't take it any more and without thinking I went back to his room (obviously he was surprised...) and just kissed him. He responded, didn't stop the kiss quickly, which made me feel kinda bad. Then I just left. And went with my friend to the gym, had a shower and played the piano for a while so I could take my mind off things.

When I finally got back to my room (around 1am) we talked... again. I asked him why he didn't stop me from kissing him. 'Why should I?' he said. At around 2am though, even if I was exhausted (gym, 4 hours of walking, 2 hours of playing the piano), when he asked if the kiss had made me feel better, I just replied honestly: 'No.'. 'Why?'. 'Because I love you goddamnit...'. I logged off right after that and tried to go to sleep. It took 2 hours before I was able to rest.

The only reply I got from him was 'wow...'. In the evening we talked again and he said he was sorry, but that he didn't feel the same way and he only thought of me as a sexual object. He did put a little more effort into not making me feel bad, but I asked him not to talk for a while.

So here I am two days later not being able to take him off my mind. He actually asked 'You can't let go or you don't want to let go?'. A friend even asked me if I was sure this was loving someone. What else do you call when you think about someone, feel happy when you see them, feel happy when they look at you, when they talk to you... if it's not this, I don't know what it is.

We'll have the first choir rehearsal next Monday, so I'll probably ask him then if we can still talk, just as friends. Of course, for me it's more than that but I'm just stubborn and I'm not able to let such a feeling go. I know the best thing I could possibly do would be to forget all about him, but I don't wanna do that by 'running away' from him- and I'll tell him that. Just to show him there's a way to change, but only if you want to, not if you wait for it to happen.

And the thing in the back of my mind is- I still feel very attracted to him. So I'll probably come up (unintentionally) with a way to do at least that, if I can't manage anything else. I know I won't regret it, and I want my first time to be with a guy that I feel is 'special' - even if he doesn't feel the same way.

As for the feelings, I can't do anything about them, I'll just wait for them to recede. I know I won't be able to forget everything so I'm not trying to.

People might try to convince me to let it go- but please understand that I know I should and I want the pain to stop- but my heart thinks otherwise. And I already made the choice to listen to my heart the moment I accepted I was most likely gay. I value happiness- mine and that of others. Had he ever said he would be unhappy were anything to ever happen between us- that would have been the most crushing thing ever, but the only thing that could have made me stop for good.

Thanks to everyone around here for reading my story... it always makes me feel better expressing all my emotions somehow.

Oops, I had forgotten to post this although I'd finished writing it about an hour ago.

Edit: I forgot to add. I went to lunch, spotted him without even looking in his direction and I did the most stupid thing I could- tried to avoid him. I was happy for catching a glimpse of him, I won't deny that, but I don't know why I did what I did.

 

Write a book? Lol... that would be an idea. Or post a short story somewhere on the internet, and hope it becomes popular enough so he reads it. Haha.

Yeah, I guess it was my gaydar blinking, otherwise I would never have done most (if any) of the above. I can't tell about anyone if they're certainly straight however, but some people seem much more likely to be at least curious.

Guy friends? Well, I only have one... a friend from the Philippines I met while playing an MMO. We talked just like friends for a while, and then I saw his hi5 page (he's totally out). And that's when the bond got stronger, and he's been the most support I got so far.
And the other 6 people that know about this are all girls... an old middle school friend (whom I haven't seen for 6 years), a couple of internet friends I trust a lot, and 3 other girls at the university: one that's a mess about relationships and always tries to support, but ends up making me feel bad (unintentionally), one that has problems in her own relationship and that I started hanging out a lot more with ever since I'm out to her, and one more friend I told a few days ago (I guess you can call her a 'fag hag') who's going through much of the same thing I am (well, with a guy but still...)

I don't know what to do either, but I'm not going to try so hard to think of what I'm going to do and I'm just going to let things flow. Well, a lot of my hopes are on tomorrow- hope he's at least nice because it's my birthday, but I'm not sure if he'll come to the suprise party (well, not really a surprise anymore) that friends are planning for me. I hope he'll come... in the mean time, I started having Skype status messages in spanish again, hope he gets the hint ^.^.

I know I shouldn't do this and that I should move on, but I can't help it. If he had told me he was straight from the beginning it would've been much better... not really but at least I would've known something for certain. As a friend told me, he's probably been too deep in the closet and now he doesn't want any help in getting out the slightest bit.
Unfortunately, I can be patient sometimes, although I'm usually impulsive- and I won't give up until the slightest bit of hope is gone. Kinda sad, but true.

Good luck in finding someone... and try to find someone that doesn't have so many issues.