This turned out to be longer than I expected, but please read it. Ok. This is what happened. A friend of mine has just broke up with her ex and found a new guy. Unfortunately, she cheated on him with her ex, and he found out. So I spent three entire days giving her advice etc. Yesterday, we were talking about the same old issue, and she noticed that my advice and my opinions were in general different from those of an average guy. Anyway, I ended up coming out to her. I must admit it was really easy, and I was really happy about that. No high pressure, no mumbling, no nothing. However, the conversation couldn't have been better, because she was saying at the moment that she finds it logical for people to experiment with their orientation while they are still young, and that she had kissed several girls during high school. I never said "I am gay" either, which makes it even easier. Under the typical circumstances, I wouldn't have even thought of coming out to her, because she doesn't know how to kepp her mouth 100% shut. But lately I have been feeling I am ready to come out to anyone. Well not anyone, but at least not to try to hide my orientation. Today, I told my mom about my friend's problem. How stupid she was to cheat on her boyfriend etc. The conversation was going well until it got where I had thought it might. My mom said that she had noticed how much I talk with my friend lately about her affair problems. But just because we talk about them, doesn't mean we are close enough. Because these problems are minor. Thus, she thinks I shouldn't come out to her, in case I have thought about it. It would be reckless. Breakups happen all the times. And even if everyone learns that she cheated on her boyfriend, maybe they would call her a slut behind her back, but that would be all. On the other hand, if it were to be known that I am gay, I might be in trouble. Not like someone would beat me up, but they one could use it to my disadvantage. And that would be really dangerous, because there is racism against gay people. And all of a sudden, all of my optimism had vanished away. "Oh my gosh! I told HER I am gay? She won't be able to keep it a secret!" And she has some really homophobic friends. But it's not just about her. I mean, what should I do in the rest of my life? I want to act freely, to check out attractive guys without having to be careful of who is watching me. Maybe to get married to a nice dude, maybe adopt children. I don't like this idea of "keep it a secret to protect your own back". But then again, it's not like my mom is wrong. Seriously, lately I have started to realize that there is a world behind my back. Not that everyone is secretly against me. But that things may be said about me without me ever learning about it. It's quite obvious if you think about it. People always talk about others. At least I do (and I am beginning to feel really bad for all the gossip I have taken part in), so why not others too? So I have kind of freaked out a bit. Not so much about my friend, but about my general attitude I was beginning to adopt towards the whole coming out thing. I feel I have suddenly been pushed back into the uncertainty of the closet. I had started to make plans to hit on hotties, but now everything has simply withered away. I feel so stupid to have thought things would be easy from now on. I know my mom cares about me and told me that only to protect me, but at this moment all my hopes have been blown away. And just a moment ago, I remembered that while I was in the subway yesterday, there was a really hot guy that I intently but discretely stared at. And then I thought of all the times I had hit on guys. So far, I thought that if those guys were straight, they would think "Hah! Is he hitting on me? Well too bad for him because I am straight. Lol" or just that they are not interested. But then this came to my mind "What?! Why is he staring at me! Oh! Hahaha! He is gay! An actual faggot! Hahaha! I have got to tell the others". Or "Ew! He is hitting on me! What a pevert! Gay people are all peverts! They dishonor human decency!" After those thoughts I feel really empty and vulnerable. I have exposed myself to so many people. It's really thoughtless and I never do thoughtless things. As you can see, I am in the middle of a panic crisis. Tomorrow I will wake up and I will be better. But still, I feel so sad. In just two hours I have completely lost my selfconfidence. I thought I had finally moved on to the pride phase, but now I am starting to feel bad again, to pity myself because I am gay. In addition, because of the austerity measures that have struck my country, a phacists party is gaining more power every day, and they say that they will sterilize or even sentence to death gay people. And I am skipping around hitting on strangers instead of acting more carefully. There is so much racism, but I want to be free to do what I want, to be who I want to be. And I want now, I want in my country. I don't want to become an immigrant, nor do I want to hide myself out of fear. I am really depressed now. I know I have mentioned many things, but please help me. I need to be told the truth, just the truth. Am I exagerating or are things that hard? Am I actually starting to see the world as an adult who has to fight for his rights, for his survival? Because I don't want to fight. Please don't lie. At times like these, I wish I was still a kid so my parents would just tell me to stay home if I don't feel well, put all my courses off and there wouldn't be a care in the world....
