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Scared, tired and alone

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by silversurfer, Mar 22, 2008.

  1. silversurfer

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    I haven't posted much these days but I started to think that I was straight again and when I try to see myself as a gay man I get really depressed and anxious, then the fear starts, since I have been struggling with this for 30yrs it has affected my mind, so I'm afraid people won't like me, I have told all my close friends and my father and sister but it doesn't help. I feel like I have to act a certain way around people, I have lost who I am and I don't know what to do. I get confused about my sexuality alot back and forth. I try to pleasure myself to thoughts of men but it's really hard, when I think I'm straight I have hope, but when I start to realize I'm gay I lose that hope that everything will be okay.

    I'm scared to work or to meet other people. I'm tired of lying to myself and holding on to the idea that I'm straight. I lost my mother this year who I used to talk to all the time. I talk to my sister and she's really positive, I feel like I'm letting people down and I just want to cry. My mood shifts so much it's hard to have a clear head. Anyway thanks for listening.
     
  2. aTadInsane

    aTadInsane Guest

    I wish I could relate but I've always been sure of my orientation, I can however offer some advice. It seems that you've realised that you're gay but haven't accepted it. You need to find some way to finally be able to accept yourself, to accept who you are as a homosexual. It's a hard life to live though, alot of people will try to beat you into the dirt every chance they get (Both figurative and literally) and many people will just avoid you. You need to really think, if your friends stop liking you for who you are, were they really your friends in the first place?

    Like I said, you need to accept yourself for who you are. If you're gay, you're gay. No one and nothing will change that, and it doesn't matter what other people think of you. Believe me I've gone through some hardships, if you read any of the threads I've started you'll see that, but it's always worth it in the end because I'm happy with who I am, and I know that no matter what happens I'm living my life according to me and not someone else's opinion on how I should live it.

    Anyway, I hope this helps you come to grips with your sexuality, or at least gives you some comfort.
     
  3. Psychedelic Bookmarks

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    Maybe you could try volunteering? I've heard it's the best way to meet people, develop self confidence, and generally get over negative outlooks. You could try volunteering for a homeless charity, an environmental group picking up litter, the samaritans, an LGBT youth group, anything. The people who do such things are generally good people who won't judge you; and I've heard lots of stories from people who say it helped them get over really dark patches in their lives and make new friends. It also gives you a sense of perspective on your own situation.

    Good luck! (*hug*)
     
  4. silversurfer

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    It is good advice, I guess what I'm scared of the most is I get really nervous around people then I start talking about personal stuff and not enjoying the experience, and I don't really know how to be myself. It's like over the years I tried so hard to fit in now it's automatic, I wish I could explain things better but I'm not sure really how, I am applying to volunteer at the hospital here. I tend to see things in a negative way. How does one accept things I can't seem to be able to. I want to be myself but I'm lost. I'm seeing a pshyciatrist but I don't think he can really help, I rely on my father for financial support, and things haven't work out mentally for me over the years I've had nervous breakdowns for years. I'm afraid the stress will push me over the edge, that's been happening over and over.

    I get extremely nervous around other gay men, I met one guy online and he wanted me to call him and I got so nervous I got dizzy and my heart started pounding. The people at EC are super supportive but it's online.

    I don't really make friends easily, and when I get nervous I do and think stupid things.

    When I tell guys I live with my father and don't work they lose interest. I try to think positively but it doesn't help. It's like I have lost all my happy feelings. I try to talk to my sister and father but all I talk about is how hard being gay is. I don't know how people accept it and move on, where I live there's pretty much no open community, I hardly ever see other gay people and I can't afford to move.

    I question everything I thought I used to like, like music and movies and everything. I've read alot of coming out stories and people seem to do okay, but I'm afraid I'm one of those people that don't make it.
     
  5. Lexington

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    It seems like you're lacking a lot of basic self-confidence that a lot of us take for granted. Sure, we all get nervous tackling new challenges and meeting new people, at least to some degree, but it seems you're still nervous around people you already know, who have already accepted you for who and what you are.

    The great thing about friends and (good) family is that they DO accept us. That we don't have to put on a mask when we're around them. Sure, we make some minor adjustments - I try not to scratch my balls in front of my parents :slight_smile: - but other than that, we can just be who we are. These people aren't continually judging us, the same way we aren't continually judging them.

    You seem to lack this sort of basic confidence even around those closest to you. So maybe this is something youcan work on. The best way? Learn to LIKE yourself some more. If you start thinking you're an OK guy, then others start feeling the same way. So how do you learn to like yourself more? The volunteering is a great start. It gives you a feeling of self-worth that few other things can. Also, try new things. Go to new restaurants and try new foods. Go to the library and get some different types of books than you usually do. If you ordinarily watch sci-fi movies, rent a documentary or an old film noir. Pick up a new hobby. Keep finding things you like. And like them for YOU. These things are only to please YOU. You don't even have to tell anybody that you're watching this movie or reading that book. If you want to rollerblade or cook Chinese or color in a coloring book, go for it. :slight_smile: Enjoy your company.

    Lex
     
  6. silversurfer

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    That's good advice, and you made me laugh I love sarcastic homour, I do lack a lot of self confidence I guess I only look at the negative side of being gay. My mood flucuates alot, I have been diagnosed with a chemical imbalance but I'm not sure to what degree. Some days things look just unbearable and others not so bad, I'm on these meds and I'm not sure what affect they are having which might be another reason things seem hard to accept. The last year has been pretty hard losing my mother to cancer and just hearing about losing a cousin a couple of days ago, and now coming to the conclusion that I really am gay, its alot but I'm hoping things will balance out.

    I had testicular cancer at 15 and I haven't been the same really, just need to find a couple people that I feel comfortable around, but you're right I have to be comfortable around myself first. At least I don't have to date women anymore :slight_smile:

    I just filled my iPod with music now I'm not sure how much of it I really like anymore. I do enjoy a good colouring book though. Thanks.
     
  7. Lexington

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    Yeah, I apparently have a bit of chemical imbalance myself. Pretty minor as these things go, but I've had two longish periods where I've tackled depression/helplessness/despair. I've managed to claw myself out of both without medication, but as I said, my case is rather minor. Do talk to your doctor if you think the meds aren't having the desired effect. Are you seeing a therapist as well? That also might help.

    I>>> just filled my iPod with music now I'm not sure how much of it I really like anymore. I do enjoy a good colouring book though.

    Then color away. And if you want, make the sky green, the trees blue, and go way outside the friggin' lines. Remember - this is for YOU. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  8. Hugh

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    As one who is just thinking about coming out at 49 (50 in two weeks - eeeek!!!) and believed myself to be straight until I was 35, I have come to the conclusion that it's possible to take it all too seriously - your sexuality does not define you. It is just a part of the person you are. I'm actually finding it all quite thrilling because I can tell who I want - or not. I don't feel the need to conform to anyone's idea of a gay man (Except behind closed doors!!) Just concentrate on being yourself. And don't worry about it. Life is beautiful, isn't it??
     
  9. darkestknight

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    Hey, me too! I did have depression and almost took medications, but didn't. In that kind of period, I did whatever I like to do there, and relax + unwind.

    Fortunately I'm out of this kind of problem. Now I'm in college, and still in the journey of making new friends. I have to build up my confidence too.

    Without confidence, how much could one survive ? :grin: