Help with coming out and just about everything else

Hi There - Welcome to EC I'm not familiar with some of what you describe below (such as details of how some apps work), but will try to answer the best I can. Likely others will weigh in as well. Folks are pretty supportive around here.

I'm sorry to hear this and that it is distressing you. However, at the end of the day, this ship has basically sailed and can't be called back. The best you can do is not send any more, be honest with your future or potential romantic interests about it (and that you're embarrassed by it and wish you hadn't) and move on. Did these pics show your face or are they just body/body part pics that couldn't definitively ID you? If the latter, it's probably less of an issue.

Be honest with him about your situation. If he's as cool as you say he is, he will be fine with it and will be willing to both 'show you the ropes' and do it at a pace you are comfortable with. For a lot of what you might potentially do (kissing, touching, mutual masturbation, oral), it's mostly a matter of 'doing what comes naturally or feels good' and things will usually take care of themselves pretty well.

For more involved things that you might need to 'prepare' for (I'm guessing that might mean anal sex in this context), there are various resources available that can explain the mechanics and techniques and folks here are willing to offer lots of advice for making your first time as low stress and pleasant as possible. And if your friend is experienced in this area and cool, he will want to make it as pleasant as possible for you. Most importantly you will always want to practice safe sex, of course. This assumes you (or he) are interested in anal sex which, contrary to what the stereotype says, not all gay guys are into. Even those who are into it can be into it to varying degrees.

With all of the above, communication is key. Don't be afraid to ask questions, be honest about your comfort level with a given activity or the pace things are moving at, and listen and pay attention to your partner, both in terms of their reactions to what you are doing, but also what they say about a given activity.

Final thought: While porn may be entertaining, it should not be taken as a documentary demonstrating how actual gay sex normally operates.

In terms of coming out, it sounds like the odds are good that your family will be fine with it, or at least come to accept it pretty quickly. You might consider coming out to a family member you think would be most supportive/accepting first and then working up to the others, or come out to them individually at a pace that is comfortable to you. You have every right to ask them not to tell anyone else (including other family members) and leave that to you to do when you are ready.

As far as your job, it seems likely that the two managers you mention will take it quite well. You might consider coming out to them first and then getting their take on how the rest of your co-workers will react. Then come out to co-workers that are likely to be more supportive first.

Another option might be to come out to a group of family or co-workers, or sending/giving them a coming out letter (this probably mainly for your family). Exactly which method(s) you use mainly depends on what you feel most comfortable with.[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately, there is no way to know this one way or the other when first meeting a person, regardless of their gender or orientation. Determining this is one of the main things everyone does when they first start dating someone else.

Some rules of thumb when first getting to know them might be:

a) Initially only meet in a public place with a large number of people around.

b) Don't go somewhere alone with them until you feel comfortable doing so

c) Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable doing, sexually or otherwise.

d) Don't give out your personal information to them beyond things like phone numbers until you know them better.

e) Have your own transportation options - don't rely on them for transport

f) Always always practice safe sex.

I think where you've put it is fine and if there's an issue with it, a moderator can move it if needed. If this is the length it took to clearly lay out your situation and concerns, then your post is exactly as long as it needs to be

Hope this helps,

Todd:smilewave

 

Always happy to help If you ever need to talk, about this or anything else, I'm around a good bit. And of course, there are lots of other folks here as well who are both really cool and also happy to talk.

Good luck with the guy you've met. I'm hope your date goes really well

Todd

 

It sounds like you've done all you can for keeping the photos from getting out. One thing to remember: in today's world nude photos could surface for anyone. There have been so many incidents of cameras hidden in locker rooms, etc. That may not be the same as a sexting photo, but it can pretty embarrassing. As athletes whose moms see their son in their full glory can tell you.

As for coming out, I think it sounds like your parents will be OK. One thing to keep in mind: you don't necessarily have to tell everyone. This is a personal decision, but I, myself, would tend to tell the people who matter, and let everyone else know only as needed.

Finally, if you haven't already, learn the basics about safe sex before you are in a situation where you need to know. Googling "proper condom use" two minutes before you need to know is probably not the best idea.

 

So I'm just coming out -- and am on the same dating app [BEFOREWARNED -- don't mention apps or sites by name on EC-- I'm sure the posts above will be edited by mod]

I may not be 17, but damn, I have the same concerns.

Here's what works for me -- a guy's gotta be really open with me, or I'm outta the conversation. If I ask his real first name, he refuses, that's a red flag. If I talk about my kids and get nothing back, that's a red flag. If he doesn't say anything specific, just talks about the weather, also not good. Texting is about communicating. If its not 2 way, and if its not open, another red flag.

I like getting texts from guys who are someplace -- Starbux, a local bar I know, because those are safe places. When I meet a guy there, if the vibe isn't good, that's the end. No drama.

So I'm learning that sending c*ck pictures, well, its pretty much part of the deal. Let's be blunt, if you really end up sleeping with the guy, it won't matter, really. And if you don't, he's probably not interested to do anything with the pics anyway. (and as long as your face isn't in the pic -- you're safe, too) Since you're under 18, be particularly careful with anyone who isn't your age about sending nude pics or getting nude pics.

Safe sex -- if it gets that far, you cannot afford to not talk about this. Insist on playing safe. Bring a condom with you, to be sure, even if you think it won't get that far. Never do anything that doesn't feel right to you.

Coming out is first all about accepting yourself. Then its finding out about yourself and what you like and don't like about other men.

It would be a scary process (ok, its at least a little scary even now!), without having other gay guys to talk about this all with. What they've done. What apps, sites, etc. work for them. How to be physically safe, sexually safe, and keep safe. To learn about relationships - how they got into then, how they keep them going. And having their friendship is great!

My coming out group has men from 19 to 55. So much is the same for all of us.

Brad, your life as a gay man living out will be great. You have a super attitude.

And when the time is right, you'll come out to your family. They love you already. Heck, they may even think you are gay already. They'll accept you and want you to be happy, have a boyfriend, have fun, be loved.

Peace

 

I'm 17 just-now coming out to my parents but fear rejection but I thought about it a lot and i cant keep it a secret i need help on how to tell my parent also how can I be sure they will still love me? And one last thing there's this boy I like how do you tell him in school with out embarrassing myself

 

Hi there

Regarding your parents, do you have a sense of what sort of reaction you're likely to get or if there is one parent who might take it better and who you could come out to first? I don't know that I've ever heard of parents flat out no longer loving their child for being gay, although (and I've gotta be honest with you) that doesn't mean they won't react negatively.

First and foremost, do you have any reason to be concerned about being able to continue living at home or for your safety? Most definitely NOT trying to scare you or say that anything that extreme WILL happen. But it has happened for some people and it is better to think about these things ahead of time (and how best to respond to the possibility) when considering coming out. So what is your sense of things in this area?

In terms of how to come out to them, there is flat out telling them, probably by sitting down and talking to them, or giving them a coming out letter. Both of these are commonly mentioned here and likely lots of folks here can share their experiences in this area as well as any additional ideas they might have.

Finally, regarding the guy in your school - do you actually know whether or not he's into guys? That question needs to be answered first before anything else can be considered.

Hope this helps,

Todd

 

Thank you for replying its good to talk to someone about this
First the guy is gay
Second my dad believes I will go to hell if I am gay but mom I think is cool with whatever yet instill fear telling

As always input is appreciated

 

At this point, I'd say you probably are better off staying in the closet, at least as far as you parents are concerned. If your dad is thinking about you going to Hell, then--I'm guessing--he's a conservative Christian. I've been on this site less than two weeks, and I've seen at least two people here discussing huge problems with what appear to be conservative parents.

I also wouldn't suggest telling your mom--at least based on what you say about "instill fear." Also there is a chance she might let something slip to your dad.

 

I think he meant that he thinks his mom would be OK with it but he is still afraid to tell her.

On the one hand, I agree that one should only come out when you feel ready. On the other hand, unless his dad undergoes a sudden and massive change of heart, one might ask when would be a good time to come out, then?

From a purely practical perspective, an argument could probably be made for not coming out until he is moved out on his own and financially independent of his parents. However, at the end of the day he has to do what feels best for him.

Ok, I'm also going to stop talking about Frank like he's not here Frank, if you're still listening and have additional thoughts or questions, please feel free to share them. Brad, you too if you're here.

Todd

 

Good point. I saw "instill fear" and read it as instilling fear of being gay--going to hell, catching various diseases, etc.

And yes, the timing needs to be what Frank101 feels is right. I'm just thinking about his age, and practical survival issues.