:help: I've wanted to come out since I was 17. I am now nearly 21, and I've still not done it. It's caused me a lot of heartache and I am currently on anti-depressants. Everytime I work up the nerve to try and tell someone, I bottle out of it and become depressed, forcing myself to be completely asexual. The majority of my friends are typical lads and when we go on nights out, they all go off trying to pull and I'm left stood there like a lemon. I desperrately want to come out but I know I will never ever ever work up the nerve and it's depressing me so much. I know my family will accept me but I know they'll also be dissapointed, and I am almost sure my friends will say there fine with it but eventually stop inviting me to hang out. I don't know what to do, I just feel so lonely 99% of the time :'( I need some kind words or advice. I just wish someone could come out for me and get it over with
Hi There I'm certainly willing to provide kind words and whatever advice I can. Looking at the issues you mention above... Do you and your friends only get together or socialize by going out to pick up women (on their part anyway)? Do you ever go to movies, play video games, grab something to eat, etc with each other? If so, it would seem to me that you could still readily participate in these activities and then maybe find something else to do on the nights they are going out to 'pull'. Why would your family be disappointed in you? Specifically, I mean? Just trying to get an idea of what you mean by this exactly. If your friends are really your friends why would they no longer want to hang out with you because of who you want to have sex with? Surely your friendship is based on more than your presumed common interest in sex with women. Common interests certainly play a role in developing friendships, but usually it is more than one common interest and other factors, such as compatible personalities or even finding each other 'challenging' in a way that everyone enjoys can lead to strong friendships. Some of my best friends are/have been people who are quite different from me in lots of ways. While it is possible that some people may drift away, others won't. And some friends drifting away is actually something that almost everybody goes through throughout life regardless of their orientation. Beyond this, as part of coming out, you can potentially explore other social avenues that allow you to meet and befriend other LGBT people who you may also enjoy spending time with and who also have the same orientation as you. Assuming that going out and trying to pull is an important social activity for you, you can potentially go out with your gay friends when you want to do that. If this involves going out to a bar or club it is even possible that some of your straight friends may be interested in coming along, whether for dancing, good drinks, or even the general 'vibe' of the place. When I was in my early 20s I was part of a good sized group of gay and straight friends who routinely went to a local gay bar to drink and dance. The gay guys might or might not hook up with someone or they might be dating someone and so hang out with them for the night. The straight guys either hung out with their girlfriends or danced by themselves and politely turned down any offers they might receive. Nobody ever had any problem with them because they were cool about it and it didn't bother them because they were confident in themselves. Also, this particular bar was just that kind of place. You might find a similar such place. Getting back to your situation, have you thought about coming out to just one person as a start? Maybe someone you feel would be particularly accepting or positive and would stick by you moving forward? In terms of coming out to your family, a common suggestion I've seen here is writing a letter and sending/giving it to them (or to a particular family member). This lets you compose what you want to say in an organized manner and doesn't put you on the spot of coming out in front of them immediately (you will presumably need to talk to them about it eventually). Just some initial thoughts. Hope this helps, Todd
I have the same question as Todd, above: is your friendship with these guys based solely on going out to clubs trying to meet women? Also, as cliche as it may sound, if they're your real friends, they won't abandon you.
You will come out, you can come out! Do you have any gay friends or is there an LGBT center where you can get to for support? This would be great. Even if the LGBT center isn't easy or convenient to get to. Is the price of being silent about who you authentically are worth dealing with depression and meds? (NO! - and I've been there, 2012 was a shitty year) And yes, I'll repeat from above, your real friends already care and love you enough to accept you -- no matter what. They will surprise you. Don't project "they won't want to hang out with me" -- most of them will surprise you. I'm not clear if you're in a relationship with a guy right now? You probably want to be, if you're not? That probably means you're going to have to be in a group of gay friends, where you'll be able to meet men. So its you who actually might not have as much time to hang out with your "old" friends. You're going to be great -- once you come out, you will feel a huge burden lifted. All the best.
