this week was a rough week. I overmedicated myself twice on xanax last week. And I was sent to the hospital and stayed about a week. They detoxed me off the meds. It was one of the worst experiences ever. hopefully i will be able to get in track. i was so upset in the hospital i dropped about 12 pounds. people told me how sad, tired, and unhappy i looked. my mom is a big homphobe, my dad is impossible and although i still struggle with worry my voice sounds sterotypically gay, i think it has more to do with self esteem then anything. this week i plan on applying for some jobs at resturants. there is a vocational school for broadcasting that i might look into. in truth my life has been about jogging/running and hiding in my apartment then anything else. i just dont know if things are going to fall in place. these self incriminating thoughts are torturing me to no end. i am amazed i looked so good in pics because inside i was miserable. glad to be home justin
Justin! (*hug*) Take this as a wake-up call buddy! Next time you might not be so lucky! You have got to pull yourself together and realize what a wonderful person you are with or without approval from your parents.
Firstly, Becky's advice is spot on. Drug overdose is serious and can be fatal, or can lead to permanent organ damage (such as liver damage). It sounds like you got treatment in time, which is good news. Next time you may not be so lucky, so make sure there isn't a next time. This may sound a bit harsh but it is not intended to. At 28 you are old enough not to be dependant on your mum and old enough to disconnect yourself from her if her attitude is causing you problems. She may see you as her "little boy" but you're an independent adult. If you are financially dependent on her then try to fix that ASAP, even if it means moving to cheaper accommodation. Live for yourself, not for her, and if she doesn't like it that's her problem. Otherwise you will have more difficulty moving forward with your own life. Yes, it would be good if she was on your side, but if she isn't then do it anyway. Please try not to let her hold you back and try not to let her opinions influence you. I think getting a job would be great. It gets you out and more independent, and mixing with other people. The broadcasting school sounds great to me (but then I am a bit of a closet radio anorak)!
thanks guys. I am not sure what got into me. It was such a bad move. The amount I took could of easily killed me. I drank the charcol to get out of my system. I have been to weak to run/jog. Hopefully I will feel up to it tomorrow. Justin
It would hurt all of us so much if anything were to happen to you! I'm sorry you had such a bad week, and I hope that tomorrow is a better day. (*hug*)
Hey Justin.... I'm really sorry to hear that you were feeling so down. When you get like that you're supposed to CALL ME!!!!! I wish you had. If I don't answer - leave a message!!! I'll call you back as soon as I can. There's no need for you to feel alone. And as perhaps the only person here that has heard your voice, I wish you'd stop thinking that it's stereotypically gay! Because it simply isn't!!! I'm glad you're back home and feeling better. Keep in touch, ok? You're a great guy. Talk to you soon. Jim.
Good luck with that restaurant job! You really need something external to concentrate on right now. I really hope you start feeling better soon! (*hug*)
The jump from the parents' place to independence is one of the scariest leaps you'll ever have to make. There IS some exhiliration involved, but still, it's a frightening move. But there's no move that boosts the self-esteem quite as much. Because you realize you CAN survive on your own. That you ARE a worthwhile person, and you can do it. Yes, it takes work and sacrifice. But it's totally worth it. Lex
I just don't know where to start. I have little self worth and self esteem. I think one thing I have to stop doing is people pleasing. I have done it way too long and I think that is one of the reasons I aim unhappy. People seem to take advantage of me. The thing is 4 years ago I was put on disablity. But now I am doing a lot better except for the xanax mistep about a week ago. But now I am phobic about doing anything. Its a struggle to get go grocery shopping. Sometimes I don't even bother. Now I feel like I am in a rutt. I can't seem to break my obsession about my voice. I just keep going over what was said to me in high school. I have been stuck with the train of thought for 14 years so why would it stop now. Some days its a struggle to talk. I am takign some different medications and hopefully that will help. The isolation I have been doing to myself is also really bad. And since I was in the hospital i dropped extra weight i didn't have to lose and people are asking me what happened. this all so embarassing. I am also self consicious about my physical. I actually need to put on 7-10 pounds I am starting to look gaunt. I am frightened to the core. Its just a struggle to get out the door in morning. Not sure if I can work. The first job was awful and a bad experience in general. And ended badly. My apartment looks like a trash can. I don't even know where to start. My mom makes homophobic comments to me. My dad is mean. I know I am 28, but I am just hurt by them. I guess the best thing is not for either of them to help me out at all, but I am having a tough time doing the basics. I am just worried things will not get better
Katmando/Justin, You're a fighter. You've accomplished so much in the time I've been around EC. You never give up. You are an example of strength. I know how a place gets messy. A week ago my floor was spotless,now it's got stuff everywhere.It got there one piece at a time.If we spend 10 minutes today cleaning it'll be better. I'm going to clean right now.!!
Hi Justin. I really feel for you because I was in a similar position, although I won't pretend to know what YOU are going through. I've had many days where I just didn't want to face the day and so I didn't even bother getting up out of bed. I've done a couple suicide attempts. I've been dealing with depression for all of my adult life. I have good days and bad days. Sometimes the bad days have stretched for weeks. But I got through it. For me it's had to be an "inside job". What I mean is that I've had to be the one that makes the effort. They're probably words you don't want to hear/read, but I feel it's the best thing I can say. Even though I know I've had depression for many years I'm still trying to figure it all out. You know, I think it's ok to have bad days. Everyone else does. They happen all the time. But perhaps you could try letting yourself have a good day. Forget about everything and do something you really enjoy. Set a whole day aside. I'm a worry-wart myself, but I think the benefits of having "YOU" time would outweigh taking a day off. Just a guess anyway. I've just started going to AA meetings - I've managed to find a gay group and been about 5 times. The first one was frightening [I sweated like a pig] but I stuck with it and I've found it hugely beneficial. I don't consider myself an alcoholic nor an addict [nor am I suggesting you are!], but for me listening to other people's stories has helped because I know I'm not alone in just normal daily struggles. I was surprised in the similarities of their stories with my own. [I haven't actually shared anything myself in the meetings! I'm very shy but working on it.] What's the obsession with your voice? Hang in there, good luck with the job, I'll be thinking of you. I hope this helps.
Justin, about your voice. Do you know that when you think about something over and over again that neurons connect in the brain responding to that thought and that is why you feel emotion about that thought every single time you think about it? (That was a run-on sentence!) You have thought about this comment from your high school days for 14 years! Many others have told you that this is absolutely not true and that there is nothing wrong with your voice. When you find yourself starting to think about this, you need to concentrate on the many others who've told you that there is nothing wrong with your voice. Turn your thoughts around Justin. When you think about this negative thing that happened so long ago, it feels like you are swimming upstream. Doesn't it? Turn yourself around and go with the flow. Think "There is absolutely nothing wrong with my voice. In fact, my voice sounds nice. I can use my voice to quiet a barking dog. I can use my voice to comfort a hurting friend. I can use my voice to sing to a baby." You get the picture? Start thinking of positive ways to use your voice. Soon, those old neuron connections are going to go away and you are going to be connecting new ones that make you feel great about your voice!
I'm not sure what to suggest Justin... your therapist is in a better position to tell you how to get on the right path. I'd think that getting out and doing things on your own terms might help. Don't look for a job. Volunteer somewhere instead. Perhaps at a local hospital. Or nursing home. You seem like such a sweet guy... people would appreciate seeing your smiling face AND hearing your voice speak to them. Do just a couple of hours a week to start. Keep up with your running. Do your household chores. And build up slowly the amount of time you're spending out of the house. Perhaps there will be a paying job come out of your volunteer work - this often happens. Going to an AA meeting is a really interesting idea. Giving up your fear of stuff isn't much different from an alcoholic giving up his drinking or a sex addict giving up their 'lusting'. A 12 step group could be a really really good idea. AA is probably the most welcoming and open - practically everyone can attend an AA meeting if they want to. Only one thing is certain - you can't continue to live like you are currently - something needs to change. What's it going to be, and how can I help? You're friend,
Thanks for all the support. I don't know how much of this is really OCD vs being insecure. I think being bullied in high school really took away a lot of my self esteem. Jim, I agreee with what were you saying and the poster and I don't think an AA meeting is a bad idea. Actually, I am aware of one that meets fairly close by so I will check it out. I also contacted some gay sports leagues and going to look into that. The guy from the bowling league already emailed me back. See the thing was I could hide from my insecurity of my voice by my physical appearance some. But since I was in the hospital and lost some weight now I am insecure about that. I truly only need to put bad maybe 2-3 pounds now, but when I hear my cousin say to you need to put on a few. I worry. Like when I hit my weigh right again I keep thinking wondering is this right?? The problem is I don't always know when these worries/obsessions will hit and how long they will last I have been worried by my physical so much in the past I didn't leave my apartment. I know I sound paranoid and maybe am a little, but the thought of people glaring/starring at me is devasting. I still have to clean my apartment. I am just overwhelmed I am going to ask for some help from someone. Its depressing to live in what I am living in. There is a little place called chagrin falls and its a popular place to go for iced cream. I know summer is a few months away, but my goal is to to chargin falls for iced cream with friends(don't have any right now) I keep thinking some guy is going to come to my apartment doort and become my boyfriend. It just doesn't happen. I have to make it happen. All I can say is I can not believe the rutt I am(I can't believe this is me). I have become a hermit/ and agoraphobic. I hope to get out of this soon. This is not where I want to be. I think work might be too much right now. Volunteering might be the right way to go. I need to keep working on this. Thanks for all the support on here I appreciate it. Keep cheering me on. Justin
