Here is my situation: Sadly, I have been in the closet for the largest part of my adult life: deeply in the closet, having never as much as hinted to a soul that I might have any same-sex attraction. All through that time I have been engaging in casual sex with men secretly. Unlike some others here I was well aware that I was sexually attracted to men from an early age, no older than fourteen. I regard myself as at the absolute cusp, the last of a hopefully dying breed, of that older generation that really didn't stand a chance of normalising their sexuality at a young age. All sorts of unfortunate factors led me to a life in the closet (until recently). I am painfully straight in demeanour and am never picked as being homosexual. Growing up in a time when gay men were always stereotyped as being effeminate, my very clear-cut sexual feelings led me to immense confusion and seemed at odds with my masculine identity. The fact that I was very much not attracted to stereotypically gay acting males didn't help. So of course I stayed in the closet. During my mid-twenties it began to dawn on me that there were many like me but at that point I was married and making babies (two, who are the centre of my life). I always fooled myself that I was either bisexual or a homosexual hetero-romantic. I never kissed men. One night at a beat, at the tragically late age of forty, I actually felt some emotion for a man who I was having sex with (I should add that I am a masculine top). It was a moment of catharsis (is that the word). My ambivalence towards all things I identified as "gay" (for instance I would only ever have sex with guys "like me"-that hasn't changed though) kind of melted in moments....I suppose it was the culmination of a longer process. In the past I had been completely uninterested in any kind of gay culture and had never gone to gay bars and didn't have gay friends (I should note that I never ever claimed to be a homophobe: which kind of makes my case stranger as I was an avowed liberal in all respects....other than profound shame towards my own sexuality. I put this down to having gone to a boys school where bullying of boys suspected of being gay was intense and having had a genuinely homophobic father). All the sudden I wanted to shout to the world i was a gay and unashamed. Profound sadness for all the missed opportunities and for the fact that I had so horrifically suppressed my sexuality during my best years followed. I felt anger towards the society that had robbed me of my rightful sexuality. That night I told my wife, the next morning my kids and a few days later my parents. None had suspected. To illustrate how ashamed I was of my sexuality I must add here that my wife had told me on many occasions she found gay men sexually attractive and even then I dared not tell her! My wife, who genuinely never suspected (despite the fact we rarely had sex and my frequent late night leaving the house) took it well, in fact she was fabulous. Most of all she didn't see why we should end our relationship. My kids, who were raised in a liberal/atheistic environment seemed totally un-bothered. I, however, decided to move away and be true to my sexuality. After a year or so of living alone I began to feel guilty about the money (I live in a very expensive town) I was spending and the fact that I could contribute that money towards my children. I was still minding my kids after school and cooking for them (I freelance while their mother works full-time) I had never used the kitchen at the apartment I was living in nor was I having guys over that often. I made the decision to return to live with my ex-wife and the kids. There is no intimacy between me and my ex and I sleep on the couch in the living room. I have a fairly active gay-oriented social life and no-one interferes with this. I am openly gay to all and we are not pretending to be a married couple at the kids school or anywhere else. Yet I constantly feel like gay guys look down on me for living in the same house as a woman and kids. I want to say that as far as I am concerned gay men are just as capable of fathering kids as heteros and whether one is hetero, bi or gay being a parent comes with the same responsibilities and sacrifice. Parenthood is irrespective of sexuality. Yes my ex-wife is atypical in her response....should all women react in the same manner? My life works for me, I am no longer in the closet and am not in a romantic relationship with a woman. Sure our household is a bit progressive (I don't do anything sexually inappropriate in front of the kids and do not host). I am now looking for a meaningful relationship and if I find the right man hope to move out with him. Why should I receive flack from gay guys over my lifestyle?
Hi hereiam2 Welcome to EC. I have been a member for the last few months and have come across over 40 gay guys so far who are either married or have been. I have found their guidance, advice, and different points of view helpful to me as I struggle to come to terms after discovering I am gay in my mid 40s and accepting it in my early 50s after 25 years of marriage. I look forward to your points of view adding to the mix. Sale Gay Guy
Hi, My personal opinion... Gays look down on us because we are closeted. The wife and kids just makes the closet deeper and the openly gay bias against us stronger. I do not say all open gays feel this way but enough for it to resonate. It is not personal, it is simply we are standing on the sidelines while they are front line troops. We do vote though, even in the closet. Possibly they could treat us as reserve troops or a silent underground force but so far they have not called upon us to aid them in any way we can, even covertly in shifting public opinion. This will not apply to me much longer as my world is changing. But I encourage the gay community to enlist the aid of closeted gays in any way they can contribute. Stuck
...the thing is that I am in no way closeted any more and not in a romantic relationship with my ex-wife. The fact that I live with the ex and the kids is a matter of convenience and wanting my kids to have their father in their lives. ---------- Post added 11th Mar 2013 at 05:02 PM ---------- I should add that the night at the beat was a rather amazing experience for me. Prior to that night coming out was unthinkable....after that night staying in the closet was unthinkable. Prior to that night, beyond the fact that I found (some) men beautiful and fantasized about having sex with them, and of course sometimes did I had completely blocked out any connection to being gay from my life. The most basic gay thoughts had never even crossed my mind and I knew nothing about the topic. All my connection to gayness boiled down to was quick thoughtless and meaningless sex acts in the dark. I had never even once wondered if other men found me attractive or liked me. I had never tried to look attractive for the sake of men. That night it was like someone had bashed down a locked door to my brain and all the sudden a fully functioning gay man was revealed: having been there along. The next day I was buying new clothes and a week later hitting the gym to get rid of a stubborn gut. I few weeks later I snuck some foundation in my shopping basket. So deep was my denial and shame. People worry about the reaction from the kids, in some way I did what I did for them. That they should always be true to their inner essence and never do what I did...live a life that was a lie and exhibit an outward persona that had no resemblance to their inner self.
I don't have any answers for your questions, HereIAm2, but I will say this: I have a great deal of respect for you doing what you are doing for your kids.
I'm also in the late but great coming out group. Thanks for sharing your story. I learn from everybody here. In terms of house sharing with your ex (and I'll admit, I couldn't do that, so that's my filter here) -- as long as you have enough privacy, as long as you don't use living there to avoid living out & potentially starting a relationship, and as long as there are clear boundaries, perhaps it could work. But do you really think that a guy looking for a LTR (and that seems to be what you're hinting at), would be comfortable with your living arrangement? I know I wouldn't be. We can all do things on a temporary basis, knowing there is an end date or setting a goal. If that's how this is for you, then ok. If that's not the case, then I think you need to seriously understand both what you get from this and what you're not getting. Wish you well. Pete
Well you have touched on the major issues. You are right, most guys I date don't feel comfortable with it. Some younger guys with a preference for very masculine guys seem turned on by it though.
