I still feel posessive of my "ex boyfriend" even though Im a lesbian

I'm not sure if I can help you but I have been in a somewhat similar situation.

I've had a boyfriend myself, while I am very much into women (but I didn't know that back then). It felt wrong being with him, but I cared very much for him because we 'clicked' intellectually (that doesn't happen with a lot of people). I knew very early in our relationship that I wasn't attracted to him and wanted to become best friends instead of a couple, but he didn't want to do that and we stayed a couple. Even though I didn't 'want' him that way, we still formed an intimate bond. When he cut off all contact and left me (he was kind of a douche bag for doing that) I felt bad. I truly believe that it has to do with friendship.

Nowadays people consider very strong friendships to be gay, while there could definitely be no sexual attraction at all. I'm going to be a geek and use the example of Frodo and Sam. Tolkien lived in a time where it was totally okay for straight men to be really close friends who share feelings and thoughts. That is exactly what we did when we were close to those men, so we formed a very close bond and we became jealous at some point. Another example: Some straight girls become overly attached when their best friend gets into a relationship with a boy. They get jealous of the time she spends with him, while they do not wish to be in a sexual relationship with her.

Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. I don't know if I helped you, but I wish you all the luck in figuring the situation out

- Edit - I didn't even answer your question! I got too carried away trying to explain what I think. Hmm.. it is tricky. You don't have the privilege I had (no contact at all). I think the most effective way is to distance yourself to some extent and focus on attractive girls.

 

Strangely I get the same feeling of my ex girlfriend. I have to watch this guy hit on her and without realising it I'll start to figure out ways to get her to be with me again. I guess since it's someone you'vd been close to you sorta wana keep it that way even if it wouldn't work anyway...

 

I don't know if this will help but I just want to say I think I am going through exactly the same thing.

Guys just don't interest me romantically apart from maybe this one friend of mine. The idea of being sexually intimate with him repulses me (even though I think he is handsome), but I love him very much as a person because we connect intellectually/spiritually. I'm also pretty sure he at least used to like me. Recently he's had this new love interest but the thought of him being with her makes me feel jealous. Which is terrible because, ya know, I could never give him the romantic/sexual satisfaction that he'd want. It makes me feel guilty and it makes me second-guess my "hard-won identity" as you accurately put it.

 

I can relate to this a lot. I identify as queer and so does my male partner. We've been together for about 13 years now, but throughout this time I've realized my attraction to women. I've had a couple of relationships with women but none long term. I'm emotionally/intellectually/spiritually connected to my partner but not sexually. We are sexually intimate occasionally but it's hard for me. It just doesn't feel right. If I wasn't with him, I know I'd be with a woman. The thought of being with any other man is also disgusting to me. This past year, I fell for another woman (although I didn't cheat) and was honest about my feelings with my partner, but we ended up back together again. We're in therapy now, but I know it's only a matter of time. It's hard though because we are so close emotionally and have been through a lot together. He doesn't think anyone else could love me like he does. Maybe that's true, but I think about being with women everyday and I think I just need to bite the bullet and separate. I hope we can remain friends. It doesn't help that I'm an introvert and don't have many friends. I have been trying to integrate myself into the LGBT community more these days--going to meet up events, bars, advocacy orgs.

I think it's natural to feel some jealousy given your emotional attachment with him. I agree that limiting connect and integrating yourself into the Lesbian community will help. Good luck!