I know I'm new here...but....you guys know what I'm talking about. (for once some one does) I'm not out yet. And I swear to god I'm falling apart. I now lie more then I have ever lied in my entire life. I mean with my friends I tell them I have a crush...but I try as hard as possible not to mention a gender. Or anything. And then I finally say he... When in fact its a she...and she's gorgeous and amazing and I might have a chance. But I can't tell them that. I mean I try to look at guys but its getting so hard anymore. I mean its almost impossible. I write...I have to lie about my characters. I lie so much about things it seems any more...and thats not who I am. I don't lie. Stupid I know but I'm just honest to the core. Then I get caught up in my lies. I just want to stand on a sky scraper and scream it to the world. But that won't happen. Worst part is, I'm most likely going to live with my hardcore religious aunt (so I can go to college). Whom I know will disown me the minute she knows...the rest of my family I don't know about them...most likely the same...it happened to a second cousin of mine. But what I do know is that I'm scared shitless...sorry for language... I don't know what I'm going to do. If I'm not carful I will crash and things won't be good. :help: Yours, Lily
I believe it is ok to lie if it is not used to hurt people's feeling. What you said there is nothing like that. And I dont think you need to tell your aunt anything while you are staying at her place. If you really cant take this anymore and want to be yourself, then you will have to come out. But you will need to be prepared to take in the outcome before you come out. You dont need to come out to people if there will be no benifit. I suggest you tell your best friend that you can trust. It will be good if you can be yourself to someone. even if its only one person.
Why do you have to live with your aunt when you go to college? I think if I was you, I'd do everything to be more independant and not have to go this route.
I don't want to live with her. I really wanted to go to a college six hours from where I live...that has dorms. But things didn't work out. I really did try. See...I tend to give into family. Its one of my weak points. But this is also a cheaper route then what I had planned before. I know they won't want me when I do come out so I guess I'm trying to prepare myself for that as well as love them as much as I can before everything happens. But my plan after getting a majority of my basic credits needed (hoping for only a year, I know I'm strong but I'm pretty sure a year is all I can handle) I can transfer. Somewhere else. Bigger school more chances. This is my latest plan. But I'm always told not to plan to far in advanced.
I don't plan on telling her anything unless I have to, or I get a girlfriend and she finds out. That would be a dark day indeed. I know I will need to be prepared for the out come. Thing is I know logically what I will need to do...such as having cash and a place to go and things like that....but mentally....My family is everything to me. even if I rant about them they are everything. I don't know how to prepare for losing that. I also stopped having bestfriends. After a few betrayles of sorts. But I have good friends. But not people I would tell until I wanted everyone to know. Its just this is a really really small town and once some one knows the whole place knows with in five minutes. I'm not kidding. Now...although none of you know me in real life I suppose you could say. You all know...so in a way some one knows. And I do feel slightly better.
(*hug*) I hope things work out for you. Closets suck, don't they? Are you sure there isn't even one person you could come out to, who wouldn't react badly?
First thing you need to do is find someone to tell. Anyone, as long as you can trust them. Even having one real life confidant will make everything so much easier. Then you need to find ways to become more independent so that when the time comes to come out to your parents, you really can say "look, this is who I am, it's not changing, so deal with it" without fear. ~alex
First of all, welcome, and I hope you get some of the support, help and friendship you need that you're not able to get from those around you (*hug*) I'm really glad you've found this place - everyone here is really supportive. Also, as has been said, do not add the fact that you are not telling the truth to your burden. You already have the burden of being gay - do not add dishonesty, which is something you do NOT possess in this instance - to this burden. You should not have to BE gay, and then have the burden of being dishonest because you can't reveal it because of the stupid world we live in!! You say you are honest to the core - THIS IS STILL TRUE EVEN IF YOU ARE IN THE CLOSET. You are honest, and do not add the burden of feeling dishonest to what you already have to bear. Please believe me on this. I also think that if possible, you should try and somehow become independent. If you know you will get a negative reaction, as you know, I would definately not come out when you are financially dependent. I think you are right there. As for being emotionally dependent on family members and friends, and not being able to cope with rejection, that's also awful, and hard. I think that, as at the moment you feel financially and emotionally dependent on people who you feel will react badly, you seem to be making the right decision to wait. I cannot imagine what it is to not be able to confide in anybody, at all. Whilst I did not admit that I was predominantly (totally?) gay to myself for more than a decade, within the hour I had confided to one of my closest friends. I can't help you, except to say that if there is someone you feel would be supportive, and would not out you, then tell them. But for my part, I'd like to say that I'm happy for you to PM me if you ever want to chat more privately. But I'm glad you've at least found EC for support, and I hope things somehow get better. Sorry, I'm not much practical help, but if you do ever need to talk, I'm happy to.
