I've been doing some soul searching over the past month, about who I am. It was in middle school that I noticed my attraction to the same sex and have had it locked up tight since. I've been in a state of denial throughout my 20s, or fear of facing who I truly am. I think I figured that it would just happen, I would meet someone like me through a social type of function, I might get asked the "are you gay, oh so am I," and bam, problem solved. I started to realize, with my 28th birthday coming up quick, and the past couple of years flying by, that I was being naive. I believe part of my denial is due to the fact that I'm not very obvious. I'm extremely masculine, into sports, brutal suffering fests on my road bicycle with the team. I suck at decorating my place, hell I even hire a personal shopper because I hate shopping for clothes! This makes me dance back and forth about who I think I am. My ego trying to dominate the conversation. I'm extremely shy, always have been. It takes me awhile to warm up to someone I have just met and start feeling comfortable enough to really open up. I know that I care way to much about what others think about me. This makes me most fearful of being rejected, the hate and discrimination I see in the news, and what I see around me. As I'm writing this, my inner ego is still trying to fight, stop me from what I'm planning on telling my mom tomorrow, even when I know that she won't care. That she'll provide me with all of the support and love that I'll need. I've been scouring these forums for the past couple of days, reading new and old postings, and it's been comforting to learn that I am not alone. That I'm not the only 28 year old that has waited this long to come to terms with who they are, or has had to fight the fear and unknown of coming out. For my entire life I have lacked the courage to do what I so fondly admire of others who freely accept and announce who they are. Envious of their strength, while I watch and kick myself on the bench. If I can come to tell my ego to shut up tomorrow, and follow through, I still feel like I'll have a lot of work ahead of me. But I've got to say, I am starting to get slightly annoyed about constantly getting hit on from the opposite sex, others trying to play the matchmaker, or my paternal grandparents (whom I don't think I will be sharing this news with!) tell me I have 3 years to get married to a nice girl and give them some grand kids. For the first time in 28 years, I am finally able to tell myself, I'm gay, it wasn't by choice, it's just who I am. But this sure will be a scary ride...
I hope you find the courage to come out tomorrow. Just from your post it looks like you need to get it out and be yourself. Tomorrow will be the day where you get off of the bench and become the person you admire, who "freely accept and announce who they are". I'll check back to see if you have a coming out story for us tomorrow night or sometime soon. Good luck buddy.
Good luck, Brain! I know it's not easy. Think of today as the first day of the rest of your life. If you think you can't do it, just close your eyes, put yourself in your happy place, and just say it. No more reservations, no more fear. Put it out there and be ready to be happy. And don't you worry about if you think you don't act gay. It doesn't matter if you don't go to Broadway musicals every time you're in NYC, or if you're not into the latest in men's fashion. What matters is that you keep doing what you enjoy doing! If that's playing sports with your friends and biking, then great! And believe me, I know what you mean when you say you care about what people think about you. I'm the same way. But when I've come out to friends, or people I think won't care, I tell myself this: If they don't like me because of one little word, then that's their loss. I am a beautiful person and if someone can't see that because they're blinded by hate, then they can go live in their hateful little world without me. Best wishes today and I hope you come back and tell us how it went
Thanks for the words guys. I ended up having to do it through an email I had prepared, then drove over and received the support that I knew I would. Sat in the car for 10 minutes just starring at that send button. I can't imagine this gets any easier. I'm thinking it's now Dad next and I'm not sure how or when I'll approach my two younger brothers. I felt a lot of underlying joy and happiness, but am more overwhelmed by strong feelings of embarrassment and shame. It also feels very surreal. I know what gender I like to be checking out, but I feel guilty about it. Hopefully setting up an appointment to talk through all of this with my Mom's therapist that she saw through her divorce, will help me move through this, because I want to feel normal and be happy.
Congratulations Dude, Loads of respect to you for coming out to your Mom, I could so relate to your post, I don't fit any of the Gay Stereotypes at all & nobody would even suspect I was Gay, I am getting all the pressures at the moment about settling down with a woman again & it's doing my head in! I know my Mom knows deep down that I am Gay, but I think she is in denial & it doesn't help by me staying in the closet, I am out to some friends, but most importantly I am out to myself, I could feel your hesitation, as I know that feeling oh so well I want so much to be out & proud, but this feeling of rejection, is not something I would want to encounter, damn society for putting these obstacles in our way :bang: I don't think it's going to be a case of if I do it as a case of When I do it (*hug*)
You are so brave and I can completely relate to all the feelings and emotions you are going through right now. All that internal dialogue can wear you down, as it comes at you 24/7. Just know there are other people here going through the exact same things as you, you are not alone or abnormal or shameful. I'm 30 and just finally coming to terms like you at 28. looking back I wish I would have been able to do this sooner, you are who you are and everyday spent in the closet is a day spent not living. I am excited for you and anxious to hear your story as it will give me the extra courage to do the same in my own life. Good luck and be proud.
Congratulations Brain! I guess part of the anxiety and shame that you still feel is that some of us are people-pleasers, we don't want to be hated for anything and will do anything to please anyone else but ourselves. In fact it's quite a devious thing the ego does to us. Our created self-image as someone popular or acceptable. What you did by pressing that little send button is to assert your true self, despite your ego, because it was more important to you to set the record straight (so to speak) than to soothe your self-image. I was the paramount people-pleaser, but such nice guys are not always so nice, they engage in those passive-agressive behaviours that can be quite damaging to relationships. What you did today was deny your ego and reveal to all who matter who you are so that they understand: this is who I am, and who I wish to be! I'll end with one of my favourite Winston Churchill quotes: "You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."
