I searched through the forum archives to see if there was anything else posted on this, but didn’t really find anything, so if this is something that has been discussed before/elsewhere, feel free to point me in the right direction. Sorry this is so long, I just need to get all points of this on the table. Truth be told, I was scared to post this in case one of the, oh, 10 people on the planet who could figure out who I am just from the information here happens to read it ... yeah, I'm that paranoid about being out of the closet. So if you are one of those 10 people, and you read this, for the love of god, don't say anything, except to me. As the title suggests, I'm the (adult) lesbian daughter of two parents that divorced because my dad is transgender (MTF). The divorce was amicable on paper, but there's still a lot of animosity/resentment on both sides. It seems like there's a billion aspects to this, so to say that I'm internally ... conflicted ... would be an understatement. 1. I'm not really "out" ... I have a few friends who know and no one in my family knows. I'd like to think that some day I can be out -- but just as me, a lesbian -- not as the lesbian child of a transgender person (see point 2). But I have no idea how to approach the issue (of my orientation) with the rest of my family, or if I even should. 2. I have had virtually no contact with my father for almost 2 years (not because of his identity, but because of virtually everything else about how he approaches life, etc). I’ve got a lot of crap going on in my head because of who my dad is and how it relates to who I am. 2a. This sounds beyond messed up, but part of me doesn't want to be a lesbian because my dad would freaking love it. Like I said, I really don’t like the kind of person that he is (regardless of identity, I'd still think he's an idiot if he was still a man), and both consciously and subconsciously try to distance myself from him because of this. Sexuality and gender are two different things, I know, but I still see it as a connection to him. 3. I’m one of those kids who, growing up, people probably guessed I would be a lesbian. I wanted my hair cut short, never liked dressing up girly, loved sports, and wanted to play “Army” with the boys while the girls played “House.” I did like Barbies, but mostly because Barbie had a jeep. 4. Nowadays, I’m pretty masculine, but it works because I can attribute it to my job and hobbies. Without going into vast and terrible detail about my interests, personality, and experiences, I will say that most people in, say, New York or Chicago would probably figure me for a lesbian within 10 minutes (or less) of meeting me. (And I have a rational explanation for every one of those points, but that isn’t the point of this post). 5. The sum of points 3 and 4 -- part of me thinks my family (not my dad though) already knows. There’s only so many Christmases where a woman can get power tools as presents before it becomes blatantly obvious that she prefers the ladies. Also, my sis cracks jokes about it – which I usually laugh off – and once when we were talking about my dad, my mom said something like “I hope you never feel like there’s something you can’t tell me.” 6. I wonder if being out is an inevitability at this point, and if I'm just making things worse for myself by putting it off. At the same time, I wonder if the only option is to just stay in the closet forever. I guess I'm just not sure what to make of all this. I don't think I'll ever tell my dad ... because I never talk to him anyway. I have no clue what to do about my mom though. And I'm not sure what I hope to gain by posting this on here ... doesn't really seem like a common situation, but I guess maybe there's a chance someone has some insight to offer.
Uh... your mom is supportive, right? Of course people will see you as "lesbian daughter of a transgender". Honey, let's be honest. People judge, and they will of course say things like that. But hey, you shouldn't hide who you are because you are in your position. I mean, everyone in here is afraid or was afraid of telling someone that they were gay in the first time. But not everyone has a supportive mom, who don't want you to hide who you really are. I might be saying shit, but that's what I got from the thread. But, anyways, I really think you should go for it when you are ready. Seriously. Don't tell your dad if you don't want to, but hey... let the people in your life know about that. Share this with them. If not now, maybe when you have a girlfriend, or something like that. Just... don't be on the closet forever, you'd go insane. Anyways, I don't know if this is helpful, but I tried.
You know her better than any of us, but personally I'd take that as a pretty strong sign that she'd be OK with it. Or at the very least willing to make the effort to make herself OK with it for your sake.
@mwaffles The only people who would know about the thing with my dad are family members, and some of my mom's and sister's friends who know because they've talked with them about it or were around when my folks were divorcing. My dad is absolutely not a part of my life, so there's no reason any of my friends would have to know about that part of the story. At this point, my best friend (and now the anonymous internet people of EC) is the only person on the planet who knows that my dad is trans and I'm lesbian. The concept of being out in my own life as an adult is a totally separate issue that I'll figure out on my own (or not). I sorta tried it once, didn't really fit in with the LGBT scene (at least not the one in the town where I was at the time), so at the time my mind was like "screw it, go back to the life you know." So maybe I'll give it another shot sometime. Either way, I know that it's pretty damn hard to live two lives -- being out seems kind of like an all-or-nothing deal. Like I said, I really just posted this to see if anyone else had or knew of someone who had a similar experience (LGBT child of LGBT parent in a straight marriage who came out well after the kids were born), to see how others in a similar situation dealt with coming out to their straight parent and other straight family members.
Alright... (Don't take this the wrong way) I think that you happen to be a step ahead of yourself. From what I gathered with you discussing your lesbianism is that YOU are not comfortable with yourself yet. It took me a while to open my eyes and say yes I'm a lesbian, but that doesn't make me a different person. You described not fitting in to the LGBT scene but then again no one truly does. You also compared to many stereotypes and seeing a likeness between them. But all those stereotypes are, are stereotypes. Just because your gay doesn't make you a stereotype. You are your own person and don't let your sexuality change that because you are special. So don't lower self to stereotypes and instead look at what make you different from them. Because I guarantee you will become comfortable with yourself again and then... Telling those important to you won't be so hard. -Good luck: Maddie
Nah, I've been aware that I liked girls since I was like 17 ... finally accepted that I was lesbian (not bi) when I was 22, so I have had a couple years to think about it. I mostly mention the stereotypes because sometimes people just assume I'm gay, and it shouldn't really be a surprise to anyone. I don't know, it's a weird situation. I'm not uncomfortable with myself at all -- in the right setting, I'm the most confident person ever (cocky even). If it weren't for my dad being trans, I don't think I'd have a problem telling (the rest of) my family at all. And they'd be like "yeah how many female firefighters are actually straight genius?" It's the context of the situation -- me being lesbian and my dad being trans -- that makes it so weird.
I debated posting this, and if I'm not helping please let me know. This is a support form and if you need someone that isn't an MTF woman saying something just let me know, no hard feelings, and I will be on my way. I'm a hard person to offend. But I know a thing or two about being pissed off at my (well step-)father. I can only pick up so much subtext, but two and two are adding up to him leaving your mom in a shitty position from this end of the internet connection and your resenting him being a selfish bastard. Maybe I'm wrong but that's the assumption I'm going to act on. If you are worried about your dad playing family politics because (hey I'm going to use pronouns differently from you but don't walk on eggshells, this is your dad, say "the shithead" for all I care) her daughter is a lesbian... I debated when I came out to my mom, telling her she could let my little brother's dad know. And you can tell from the way I said that that I do not have a good relationship with him at all. I haven't called him "dad" in forever and I'm reluctant to say "stepdad". He will be pleased as punch when he finds out I'm my mom's daughter and not her son. One of my earliest memories was him embarrassing me in front of a bunch of my mom's and my friends when he found a panty liner in some of my underwear. It will just make his day. I can still imagine his face grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat. And you know what? I don't give a shit. Really, I don't. I have my own life to worry about. He could win the lottery tomorrow and it wouldn't phase me. I would still hate him, for a lot of reasons that would depress the hell out of everyone here. But I forgave him a long time ago. Not for him, for me. Just so I could worry about me and my own problems you know? He just is not worth carrying around with me my whole life. My partner, who is a hell of a lot more accepting and caring than I ever gave her credit for, is one of the two people in the world whose opinion matters to me. You're talking to the other one. Again, I really sincerely hope that was helpful. It sounds like you were handed a lousy hand in life by your dad, and I'm just sympathizing with that. It sounds like, lesbian or not, if your dad is going to be looking to you for validation or whatever, I would just remind politely remind her that you are on your mom's side, and that your orientation has nothing to do with the way she handled things with your mom. Forgiveness is still something she has to earn, and it's not going to come automatically just because you happen to have the guts to step away from the straight life. Your orientation, and whatever life choices you make, are yours. If you go through any flack for being gay, that's not something your dad can take from you.
cassie29, A lot of what you said is pretty dead on. And just so you know, I'm mature enough to see past what my dad might have done that negatively impacted my life and see people for who they are as individuals, so I don't care what your identity/orientation is -- if you have advice for how I should deal with this, I'll take it. If you're bored or curious about my dad/upbringing/self, I wrote a blog entry about it on here so I wouldn't waste space in this thread with it. To sum up that though, I will admit that at least part of my resentment toward my dad comes from his gender expression -- as a masculine female, I'm drawn to (surprise!) masculinity, and so I see my dad's femininity somewhat negatively because it deprived me of a masculine role-model when I was growing up. But I also realize that some of those traits, while seen as "feminine" by society (especially in the context of the world I live in), are just part of who my dad is, regardless of gender. It's not coming out to my dad that I'm worried about -- I don't talk to him, at all. Trust me, I'm far saner without him in my life. It's my mom and my sister -- because they mean everything to me, and I don't know what I'd do without them, and I don't want to hurt them. My sister looks up to me, and sees me as this unique, amazing human being, and I don't want to mess that up. And yeah, I don't like being connected to my dad, at all.
