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Came out to my mom...now I don't know what to feel...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BlindDirection, Mar 22, 2013.

  1. BlindDirection

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    So, I came out to my mom about a week ago now. Coming out to her had been the most important thing in my life at the moment and I felt like I couldn't go on without her knowing. I had been in therapy and on medication. This was such a huge deal to me, as I'm sure you can imagine, that I was and still am suicidal. I just really didn't/don't want to disappoint her and I couldn't live with myself knowing that I did. She's the most important person in my life, if that wasn't obvious.

    But anyway, as far as coming out goes, it happened in an unexpected way. I have been cutting myself to deal with the pain and stress that I commonly feel and the scars are very visible on my skin. My mom noticed them about a month or two ago and she became very inquisitive. She asked me what they were and if I had been cutting myself. I lied and said no just to get her off my back. I refused to talk to her or my sister that night and eventually the interrogations subsided. Well, recently, I got angry at my mom and told her that I had indeed been cutting myself. I was just trying to get back at her with that bold admission. I know, that was very stupid of me.

    She had been worrying about me for a week after that and during that week, I was staying with a friend. She calls me one day and tells me that I need to be in therapy, that something must be really wrong for me to do this to myself, that it's not healthy, and that she and my family were worried about me. This was way too real for me. Eventually she asked me to talk to her about what was going on but again, I refused to talk, giving the same excuse that, "Now's not the time." (I'm usually extremely closed about my feelings) Until, she started to cry and tell me that she couldn't help me if I didn't talk to her and that she wouldn't know what she would do without me. I had no response. This was the turning point. After about 5 minutes of silence and her questioning, I finally summoned up the courage to just tell her right then and there. I never thought I would be able to speak those words to my mom. She told me that she had already knew and that she was just waiting on me to tell her. Funny thing is, if she already knew, I definitely couldn't tell. She didn't make it any easier on me by occasionally mentioning that I needed a gf or asking me if I was still a virgin. She had somewhere to be so the call ended with us talking for another minute or two and her telling me she loved me.

    Now, I really don't know where I am in this process. I mean, I should feel good about coming out, and I kinda do, but some of the pain that existed before I came out is still there. It didn't go as I'd like to have planned it to go and I surely wasn't ready. I kinda still feel like I'm in the closet. On the phone, she did tell me that she still loves me but that she wouldn't accept it because "God" says it's not right. I don't know what to think about that. Does that mean she's not accepting me? She didn't want to know? What could this mean??? We haven't talked about it since the phone conversation and I'm honestly afraid to. I don't know how that conversation will go and if I'll be able to handle it.

    I know there's not one, universal way of coming out but I feel like I did something wrong. I didn't have the right responses or words for my mom when I told her. I wasn't ready! Now, I don't know what to feel. Any advice or words of encouragement or something would be very much appreciated. I feel like I have no one I can talk to about this.
     
  2. Van

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    It's good that you finally told her even if you think you weren't ready and it wasn't the right time. But I think we're never ready to come out and it's never the perfect time to come out. We just do it at some point. Your mom's respond is similar to what my mom said "I love you but I still think it's not natural" but after we talked about it and eventually watched Prayers for Bobby together she now knows that there's nothing wrong with it. Or at least I hope she's realized that.
    Now, what you can do is just to talk to her. Tell her how important is to you to have her love and support. Answer her questions if she has any.
    Don't cut, it's not worth it. Your mom will come around. Sooner or later. Give her some time.

    (*hug*)
     
  3. Chip

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    The good news is, the stress of telling her is over. And it's obvious that she deeply loves and cares for you. Likewise, I think it's pretty likely that she did already know, and that's probably part of why she was able to be so immediately accepting... she's had time to think and process it.

    What is complicated to understand is how we deal with denial. In your mom's case, I'd guess that the questions about a girlfriend or whether you were a virgin probably started happening with more intensity around the time she started figuring out you were probably gay, and were, on her part, an unconscious defense mechanism... desperately hoping (as does every parent, initially) that you weren't gay.

    But now that she knows, she's having to process it, and work on reconciling it with her religious beliefs. She's already started that process, as evidenced by what she said, but isn't ready to fully embrace it yet. And that's normal and understandable for anyone who comes from a strong religious background.

    She will definitely come around. It will probably take some time, but she'll eventually be OK with it, and she'll also find a way to reconcile her beliefs with her gay son. You might do a Google search for "Matthew Vines" on Youtube and have your mom look at his amazing 1 hour video where he carefully examines Scripture and shows how it is not incompatible with supporting gay people and gay relationships. He's a 22 year old Harvard student who has done more in 6 months to move the Christian community toward acceptance than anyone else has been able to do in decades.

    And I echo the previous poster that you need to engage her more in conversation. Maybe watch "Prayers for Bobby" together with her. Ask her to talk about her questions, fears, concerns. Send her an email or a text, or leave a note if you can't do it face to face. I know you weren't quite ready for this... but you're handling it OK and it will definitely be easier as you continue to work through it.

    And... she's offering for you to go to therapy. TAKE HER UP ON THIS!!! Therapy will be a Godsend for you in helping deal with the feelings that make you want to cut, in understanding and loving and accepting yourself as a gay guy, and in being able to vent all that you're feeling -- and now venting through cutting -- in a healthier way. I know that therapy is really scary for some people, but honestly, it's no different than talking about stuff here on EC... it's just a conversation with someone who understands people and can help you see through your own filters and perceptions.

    And please keep us in the loop!
     
  4. BlindDirection

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    Thanks thatlonelyguy. I really appreciate the advice. You have no idea how good it was to just get SOME advice. But I keep telling myself that I'm waiting for the right time to talk to her more about this but I don't know what I'm waiting for, if anything. I don't know how to approach the subject so I'm hoping she'll come to me about it. Prayers for Bobby is an awesome movie and I'm sure she would enjoy watching it with me. I'm sure she'll get the message. Were your coming out circumstances as awkward as mine?
     
  5. Van

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    You need to talk to her eventually. She needs to understand that it's about you, not about her or someone else. She has to know how you're feeling. If you think she would agree to watch Prayers for Bobby with you, that'd be a great opportunity for you to start the conversation.
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/83730-came-out-my-mom.html
     
    #5 Van, Mar 22, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2013
  6. BlindDirection

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    Thanks for your advice also Chip. I'll check out that video on youtube and keep you posted. Now, I just have to decide when's the best time to do it.